maskormenace | Video

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Video | Phase One

[ Joker stands before a painted backdrop of a cozy-looking fireplace. He wears a Santa Claus hat and an ugly reindeer sweater vest, and he beams at the camera with a look of unmistakable self-satisfaction. ]

Hello, friends! Joker here, with a special message of cheer.

Now, I know this is a stressful time of year. You’ve got presents to buy. Traffic to fight. Disgruntled henchmen to shoot at the Christmas party. Why, it’s just about enough to make you crazy! And in all the hustle and bustle, the true spirit of the season can so easily be lost.

Call me sentimental, but what with the world nearly ending and all, I got to thinking: What if this year, we refocused the holidays on what really matters? And no matter what you celebrate, I think we can all agree: In the end, it comes down to friends, family, and mocking the less fortunate.

So to that end, allow me to present… [ He gestures grandly to a red curtain, which parts to reveal a handsome Christmas tree hung with festively-decorated folded notecards. ] The Joker’s Tree of Unfortunates and Undesirables!

Each one of these glittering cards contains the name of a boy or girl or robot in desperate need of a little holiday humiliation. Let’s choose a winner, shall we? [ He pretends to consider his options, then plucks a card. He opens it, then flips it so the camera can see what’s inside: a drawing of a very sad, very dopey-looking cartoon scarecrow. ] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Dr. Jonathan Crane!

[ He tucks the card into his sweater-vest’s pocket as he talks. ] Our Dr. Jonny’s had an awfully hard year. In fact, I daresay he’s had the hardest time of us all. Why’s that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you: It’s because he’s forgotten who he is. [ Joker pulls a sad clown face and offers a mournful nod. ] Yes, I’m afraid it can happen to even the best of us in a place like this.

Perhaps some of you can relate? You start feeling all that pressure to conform. To behave. To dot your i’s and love your nanites and maintain a sparkling image on the ever-sacred Network. And in the process, well… Sometimes all the good messy nastiness that made you interesting in the first place falls by the wayside. Especially when you’ve got a bad influence like Batman gumming up the works...

Once upon a time, Dr. Crane was a true-blue madman! Capable of all sorts of creative debauchery. And just look at him now. A sad, obedient, docile barkeep. It’s pathetic. It’s tragic! And it’s high time it came to an end.

So here’s what Santa Clown’s gonna do for you, ‘Crow, old buddy:

I’m going to give you one truly devastating day. A day of memory! Of awakening. In which you can see what you might have been, if you hadn’t let all those useless goody-goods strip you of your spine. And because I’m the generous sort, I’ll let all of De Chima and Maurtia Falls share in the fun, too.

In fact, the celebration’s already begun. Listen—do you hear what I hear? [ He cups a hand to one ear, pulling an exaggerated listening pose. A blood-curdling scream rings out from off-screen. ] There it is! No, they’re not off to see their in-laws. That fresh, festive shriek is just the result of some good old-fashioned Christmas Fear Toxin… which I’ve unleashed upon both lucky cities with the help of my elves. I mean, the holidays make everyone want to scream, anyway. At least today you can be honest about it!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ooh, my, that sounds grand. How can I get some of that into my system?” And here’s the really lovely part: you’ve probably already got it! At this very moment, chances are very high that the dear Doctor’s toxin is already dashing through your bloodstream like a tiny, crazy reindeer… just waiting for the right moment to fly. [ More giggling. ]

And I’ll let you in on one more little secret: just like the weather and Dr. Crane’s professional prospects, things are only gonna get uglier from here! So buckle in, dear citizens—you're in for the slay ride of a lifetime! [ And with a round of wild, manic laughter, he ends the transmission. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ The guy is clearly insane, and if it weren't for the latter part of the message Allison would be ignore this psycho entirely. Except that there's screaming, and then there's the proclamation about the Fear Toxin, and, even more importantly, that part about how it's already in people. ]

What they hell so do you mean it's already in people?