Whoopsie Daisies

[criminallysane]

[ Joker has decided to use that fun new flower and gift delivery service to send Valentine's Day presents to a few of his nearest and dearest. Unfortunately, the orders have all gotten scrambled, and everyone on his list receives a gift meant for someone else.

All gifts include a card with a personal message, but (tragically!) no sign of the original intended recipient's name. ]

The Gift List

Meant for Loki, but sent to FINN: A vase of candy kabobs and a Whirly Pop
I'm a sucker for your style! Call me when you're ready to come play in the big leagues.
-Joker

Meant for Barbara, but sent to GEORGIA: A long, natural-looking arrangement of purple and white wildflowers
For the woman who's always known how to find the wildflowers in the weeds.
-J

Meant for Carol, but sent to KIRK: An elaborate, vibrant arrangement in electric pinks, purples, and blues
Let me take you to dinner tonight.
-J

Meant for Beck, but sent to HARLEY: A strange, moody arrangement in muted purples and greens, with a bright yellow rubber ducky tucked in the center.
You're an odd little duck, but you do have your charms. One of which, I hope you'll recall, you still owe me...
-J

Meant for Finn, but sent to CAROL: A donut bouquet
For your arsonal.
-Joker

Meant for Harley, but sent to BECK: A massive bouquet of red roses, so ridiculously over-the-top that he's certain she'll see it and assume he's asking her to come back.
Just kidding! Enjoy your day alone.

Meant for Crane, but sent to BARBARA: A surprisingly tasteful bouquet in crimson and peach
Couldn't send you an actual head this year, but hopefully the color palette's close enough to do. Fingers crossed for next time!
Regards from the Back of the House

Meant for Kirk, but sent to LOKI: A snack basket
No one's ever made me feel more delicious than you do! Hope you're ready for round two — I know I am. xoxo

Meant for Georgia, but sent to CRANE: A bouquet of paper roses made from book pages
Still more readable than your work!
-Joker

Meant for Jane, but sent to GABRIEL (who wasn't even on Joker's list): A box of pretty, playful strawberries and other treats
I've been wondering: what's under your candy coating, anyway? Is it juicy-sweet, or a little bit rotten? (Survey says Door B...)
-Joker

Comments

private text;

[madlove]

[ Whatever. He sent something, obviously after Saturday's mess, which means he's still thinking about her. ]

Ok, first off, dickhead, I don't owe you shit.

Second, why are you bothering Quentin and Barbara?

private text;

[criminallysane]

You never could accept presents gracefully.

And since when is he "Quentin"?

private text;

[madlove]

That didn't answer the question.

But this reminds me.

You said someone "murdered" you.

I need a name.

I want to send them flowers.

voice;

[usaf]

[ Yeah... That deserves a phone call. ]

Uh... Thanks for the donuts? I don't really get the note, though.

[ Be glad she didn't see what you TRIED to send her. ]

voice;

[criminallysane]

[ ...Donuts? She must have gotten a gift from someone else today, too. Mixed up the cards somehow. ]

No, no. I sent the flowers. And if the note was out of line, I mean...

You've just been on my mind lately, that's all. And I thought, if you didn't already have plans...

voice;

[usaf]

I mean, I'm not an arsonist, so it's out of line in that respect... And just because something is arranged in a bouquet doesn't make it flowers.

[ What the hey? ]

Is there something you're not telling me, Joker?

text

[choosetruth]

Wrong number.

text;

[criminallysane]

You didn't really think I'd forget you that easily, now, did you?

text;

[choosetruth]

Considering I'm not sure who this is? I didn't think anything one way or the other. There are a lot of people with J-names.

Trust me, whoever you are, it's the wrong number. I'm not someone you want to send flowers to. With or without nonsensical cliches attached.

text;

[fireandhoney]

I'm pretty sure these aren't from Jonathan, just on the basis that he would have actually signed his name on these.

But, the candy does look quite good. And colorful.

text;

[criminallysane]

Ding ding ding! We have a winner.

But they're called "donuts," kiddo. Keep up with the class.

text;

[fireandhoney]

So donuts come in jelly candy and lollipops now?

comment not here

[tricksterofasgard]

[ Xoxo.

Who is Xoxo and why is this being sending him snacks?

At least he has some use for snacks. He can munch on them while following the network.

Then again. Who is Xoxo and what in Odin's name is the meaning of that card? Should he be worried? Is this related to those sausage deliveries he still gets every month?

There sure is gathering a lot of food at his place by now...

Xoxo. Right. He will have to keep an eye out for that name. At least he has some snacks now. ]

private text;

[restingstitchface]

[Because he doesn't want others pouring all over this conversation.]

Thank you for your gift. Unfortunately, paper doesn't mesh with water. The stems have gotten rather soggy, I'm afraid.

[No they haven't. It's actually in his office before it goes in the trash, because it is pretty to look at. Not that he's saying that.]

private text;

[criminallysane]

[ Oh, for heaven's sake. Did that wretched app get none of his gifts right?

The good news, Joker tells himself, is that he can now pretend that he intended to send absolutely anything. If it was all a big mix-up anyway, well, who's to say what he meant to send and what he didn't? ]

Listen, I'm sorry about that card

Seems they sent A to B and B to A, and X to C, and who the hell knows what else.

You were supposed to get a saint's head cake, jsyk. Devil's food, wrapped in fondant. Lots of cornstarchy blood coagulating underneath.

I was awfully excited about it, to tell you the truth. Seemed like just the thing.

ditto that from here on, etc

[restingstitchface]

[Play along with the rules of this game, he tells himself. Twist them and allow yourself a little fun.

So he does.]

Yes. I suppose it's perfect for a man who likes ripping religion apart. Trust you to push ahead and make it literal.

[A little hidden humor, there.]

Though, I really should take it to a church bake before I go and do that, shouldn't I?

| Video

[privatepurchases]

[Gabriel is so angry that he's forgotten to hit the private button - but he's also smiling. It's a predatory enraged smile as he leans forward at his desk, looking reasonably more put together.]

Your jokes are awful.

video;

[criminallysane]

[ For a moment, Joker actually thinks it's him. Perhaps that gift to Barbara pinged Bats's radar. Perhaps he heard about things with Harley. Perhaps Batman just wants to be a dick today, who knows?

Then he looks closer, noting all the little details about the caller — the way he's dressed, the way he holds his shoulders — and the pieces snap together in a hurry. No, this is not Bats; this must be the other one. Though why this fellow should want anything to do with him is anybody's guess.

Even so, Joker's gaze remains on the lower half of the man's face for a half-second longer, and the predatory smile he sees there gets his heart thumping in a way it hasn't in weeks. That smile, on that mouth, has always meant the most delicious sort of pain. That's the smile that comes right before things go completely to hell, the one that means they're about to dance in earnest.

Joker smiles right back, his own wide and mean and unmistakably self-satisfied. ]

Well! Hello, handsome.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Re: video;

[privatepurchases]

[Gabriel smiles like that in smiting demons. In battling his brother Lucifer, in battling his minions, and he smiled in torturing humans. He bares his teeth at the video before folding his hands behind him.]

...Your little joke.

[He doesn't say anything else.]

About how I taste?


[His eyes glow slightly and the smile is gone.]

Explain. Now.

Video

[mysterioisthetruth]

What are you saying to me?

Sending me red roses and implying I'll be alone...

video; (second half private)

[criminallysane]

[ Joker has, by now, come to terms with the fact that Tina Belcher's app is a steaming pile of hyena vomit, useless and stinking and ruining everything. He's just grateful that if one person was going to get the roses, it's Beck.

Or, as Harley would say, "Quentin."

The bearded sonofabitch.

Joker's lips press together for just a moment, then spread into a sheepish smile. Beck, after all, is a friend. A colleague, even. This can still work out just fine. ]

All right, all right: you caught me.

[ He switches the video to "private." ]

Truth is, I'm alone over here, too. Thought maybe if I goaded you, you'd be game for a night on the town.

Have a couple drinks. Maybe meet a couple girls. Just... you know. Take the edge off, for a minute.

[ He's still under curfew, technically speaking — one of the joys of being on probation. But that's beside the point. ]

Private video

[mysterioisthetruth]

I can't get away right now.

I'm currently entertaining Harley.

[Totally innocent. But 'entertaining' could mean so many things...]

Private Video

[bodilesswarrior]

[ Not long ago, Barbara would have suppressed the urge to smash the bouquet against the wall until she took some samples. Maybe burned it.

Now, she just stares at the note with wary amusement. Some kind of wires have been crossed here, she just doesn't know which or where. (Is it an oblique reference to Harley? No, she doesn't think so.)

The best way to figure it out is starting with a joke. She messages him with a wry smirk, refusing to look concerned or squeamish. ]

Please tell me you haven't sent so many severed heads that you've lost track.

private video;

[criminallysane]

[ He's spent a good deal of the last week attempting to rid himself of the weakness and sentimentality that's been ruining his life as of late. He got rid of Harley. He began plotting his revenge against Kirk. And, perhaps most importantly, he thought long and hard about why in the fuck he allowed himself to become so sloppy with Barbara Gordon.

She, after all, has been at the heart of nearly everything this reality has thrown at him. He's not sure if she's the most valuable cog in the machine, a test in her own right, or just a particularly potent catalyst, but one way or the other, she matters. And if he wants to ever return to his former glory, he must find a way to overcome her hold on him...while also keeping her close enough that he can preserve whatever small chance he has of getting her to help him find Lucy. He must charm her a little, without allowing her to charm him at all, and he already knows that that's going to require every bit of his defenses.

As a result of all this, the man who answers her video call now is not exactly the same one she spoke with a week ago. His smile is a smidge too bright, too shallow, too sharp. His eyes have none of the tenderness they've been showing her lately, but gleam flatly instead, cold as green glass bottles. His courtesy remains, but the affection behind it has vanished. ]

Only three this year.

[ He's relieved to know that she received what she did, and not, say, the dinner invitation intended for his probation officer. It's a shame that her intended gift was wasted on that half-wit Georgia Mason, but still. Could've been worse. ]

Probation's made them difficult to get hold of, I'm afraid. [ He shrugs vaguely, like they're talking about getting good produce in winter, and not severed body parts. ] Maybe next time.

Tell me: did you like the substitute?

private video;

[bodilesswarrior]

[ Now that smile is a lot closer to the one she remembers.

And still, it doesn't shake her like it probably should. Even after years of hardening herself to it, forcing herself to stare at footage from every source, it still lit something desperate and ferocious inside of her. Fight or flight, even if no one else could see it anymore.

There's an echo of that, a memory, but she looks at him now and no part of her is truly afraid. The anger is there, and she could stoke it easily, but for now it's a steady burn in the back of her mind.

Her brow furrows, letting him know that she's noticed the shift; her smirk doesn't waver, letting him know she isn't intimidated. No, they're definitely beyond that now.

]

It certainly smells better. [ Yes, she's implying intimate experience here, but he's probably figured out that she's seen her share of corpses. ] It should look better on the dresser, too.

Unless you'd rather someone else had it? [ She's a helper, and definitely not probing for information that could solve a cold case somewhere. ]