[Video] Attempted Private to Castmates (Settings error: user must fix)

[yilingdaddy]

[ By all appearances, Wuxian looks as perky and cheerful as always. Maybe those who know him best would see past the smile to the sorrow and depression that's a constant companion. ]

So! Shijie, Jiang Cheng, and I are going to be shopping for our first dinner in the new house. It's coming up quick and she thought a nice dinner for everyone would be nice.

[ Yep, little brother, you have been voluntold to help get groceries. ]

If anyone has a special dish they want made, let one of us know.

Comments

[dazzlingdream]

I never said it was correct, Zewu-Jun. The crime is obvious, but I did not spring to life in a void.

[ze_uwu_jun]

Nor did those who stood in your way.

[ He can continue to ask. But Maiden Jiang may not... need to learn some of the things Xichen wishes to ask, just yet. But, truly, had the women that Meng Yao silenced after using them to kill his father - had they had an easier life than him? ]

I do not think you will be able to persuade anyone that you have changed until you know why what you said is upsetting.

Least of all my brother.

[dazzlingdream]

I was blind and cruel. I spend my every waking moment regretting how I handled my pain.

[Going for the throat solves nothing. Just because he can do something doesn't mean he should.]

The loss of life is something to mourn. I understand.

Jin Ling lives - thank goodness - but he is lost to me unless he returns to these cities.

[ze_uwu_jun]

You words to Jiang Wanyin did not reflect that in the least.

[dazzlingdream]

He and I have an antagonistic relationship. I sometimes think he is difficult for the sake of it.

[ze_uwu_jun]

Do not look to his actions. Only yours.

Your insistence to hide behind others, to claim you had no choice and the choices were those of others. That was your path to how bad things got.

Do not walk it again.

[dazzlingdream]

I am hiding behind no one. If I am to be accused again and again of my crimes, am I to remain silent? How will anyone understand me better?

Isn't it sad that this is the foundation on which I have to build?

[ze_uwu_jun]

You said that she is not a detestable lech, a lady I have deflowered or the product of incest.

It implies that you have the right to take the life of a lady of your kin that you have deflowered. That you have the right to take the life of a child.

This is the foundation that we see.

If you wish to compare, to try and see why that makes others angry, consider this: I do not think that I have the right to the life that I took.

[dazzlingdream]

No!

I never said I had the right. Never. No one has the right to take a life.

Not like that.

I know where I erred! My point was: the Lady Jiang is as far from those circumstances as a star from a piece of grass! Her brother needn't worry.

[ze_uwu_jun]

[ Xichen is just so tired. He doesn't need to be in the same city as his brother to know how furious Wangji is. And he knows that he will keep his promise, but the promise had a condition.

And the condition is for Xichen to retain his clarity of sight. If Wangji believes he is being deceived again, then he is free to act as he wishes. Xichen knows what that intent is.

He wants Wangji to be able to trust him.

He wants to ease Meng Yao's pain, too.

When did he allow himself to once again want? Did he not learn that it never leads to anything good? ]

I think he will worry while there are circumstances at all that seeking her position relative to is what you bring up.

Because while there are such circumstances, there will always be the suspicion that another circumstances might appear which she is part of. Circumstances you might decide on.

I know that good things do not happen quickly, while bad ones do. Good ways to think of things and people take time to build up, but can be reduced to dust overnight.

But, please... please. Keep trying.

[dazzlingdream]

[Wanting is living and Meng Yao wants to make better connections with those he knew before. But he does get frustrated and sometimes his eloquence with language fails him or he isn't as detailed as he should be.]

I lost my temper. Zewu-Jun, no one sees me during my counseling; no one sees me taking those pills, no one sees me waking in a panic each night. I don't speak of those things.

I am miserable from what I have done and each time your brother drives that I should be miserable home, it doesn't help.

Perhaps I should cut off contact with all from our world. Every time a chance is granted, I feel a sword at my back or my throat. Granted, I deserve both! But none of it is helping.

[ze_uwu_jun]

[ That might account for it... living is not high on Xichen's list of priorities. ]

I understand.

[ Perhaps, if Xichen had ever been good enough at guidance, Meng Yao would have tried to understand and listen from the first time Xichen interjected.

But Xichen was never enough. Never good enough, never firm enough, never stable enough to suffice. ]

I tried to interject before it got to that point. It

Meng Yao, have you ever wanted to protect someone more than anything? More than your life, more than your goals? To make sure they never lose anything important, never get cut on purpose?

[dazzlingdream]

[Life should be. Especially for him. Meng Yao wants him to live and be good in this world and any other he visits.]

You.

But I failed miserably.

[ze_uwu_jun]

[ Maybe, one day. ]

What was, was.

What I mean is...

Each person from our world at least, that is here, has at least one person they want to protect like that. Sometimes that person is not here. Sometimes that person has been lost already, but this world gives the hope that they will return.

My brother's sword is not only at your throat. It is also pointed at anyone else who has harmed me, or young master Wei, or the juniors. Jiang Wanyin's, at the throats of those who have harmed his sister, or his nephew.

As you did not mean to lose your temper, so do they not mean to make your recovery harder. Do no harm, mean no harm, and with time, those swords will turn to where there is actual threat.

And perhaps try to at least consider that there may be others who deserve your protection. And that you are the person who others think worth protecting.

[dazzlingdream]

[Him? Protecting? It sounds almost as absurd as someone protecting him, yet his heart yearns for it. For both. He wishes he could be the sort of man others could run to and rely on.]

I will not attend the party. If you can relay that to your brother I would be appreciative. The Lady Jiang expressed a wish to make me a basket of food at a later date. Should she need to be accompanied - or if someone should come in her stead - that is fine by me.

[Then, a bit later...]

I don't want to live fearing my death. It already awaits me. I want to live and soothe as many hurts as I can.

[ze_uwu_jun]

[ Yes, well. Xichen is certainly extending protection, despite the fact that it's hurting people he also wishes to protect, to do so.

Jin Rulan also offered his.

Meng Yao might not find it easy to see, or to believe, but it is there. It has been there even when it shouldn't have been. And there were more, too. Su Minshan, for all his flaws, did wish to protect Meng Yao that much. Others have, too. ]

Your grace in agreeing to this is appreciated.

Many people live awaiting death. Some break under the weight of it. Some few, and you know examples yourself, only try to protect and shield others harder as an effect. Even others whom most believe would be better off dead against the slightest chance that they might turn bad.

May I ask you something which is likely to upset you, but is not meant as an accusation of bygone sins, but merely a new perspective, to consider and contrast against your own?

[dazzlingdream]

[He falls into that category, doesn't he? He is someone "whom most believe would be better off dead" and that is a problem he isn't sure how to handle. Or if it can be handled at all.]

You can ask me anything. Even if it were an accusation, you are hardly the first, Zewu-Jun, and you won't be the last.

I am doing my best to not break again whether I am wanted or not.

[ze_uwu_jun]

I promise it is only for you to consider. Not to make you feel more guilt of pain.

Those people that you ordered strung before archery targets... They were spared that day by the grace and skill of young Master Jin and Young Master Wei.

Do you think you are in as much danger as they? That your fate will be worse of better than theirs?

[ It's Xichen. When he says many people live awaiting their deaths... It is not a figure of speech. Each of those he has encountered and but powerless to save, he remembers.

He is haunted by. ]

[dazzlingdream]

[While it does feel like another blow - well-calculated enough to make him consider calling the entire day ruined - Meng Yao pushes that initial pain aside and he considers what awaited those Wens.]

The arrows are in different shapes for me. Words and swords are the arrows I must survive.

So, yes, the danger is similar. However I chose to put myself in this position; they did not.

In that way, because of their innocence, the arrows that could have spelled their death were far less...just. Those projectiles were cruel and I was cruel for organizing such amusement.

[ze_uwu_jun]

Yes.

Try to remember that as terrifying as things may be for you, you are not alone in that terror. And that, sometimes, there are people who will believe that your life is worth being kept, because it is precious.

Even in the darkest of times. Even though you may have made mistakes.

A life is a life. Brief, dangerous, brilliant.

Live it. Make the most of it. The danger will always be there, but so must the hope be. Do the right things, as much as you can.

That's all anyone can ask.

[dazzlingdream]

I mean no one any harm. I know my word isn't good enough; I have used my talent for speech to manipulate and to lie in the past. However have I not been open since my arrival? You are welcome into my home any day at any time, Zewu-Jun, and you will find no secrets.

I have lifted my sword only once: to potentially defend Jin Ling when he arrived on my doorstep unexpectedly. The rest of the time, I bear no weapon. I do not use my guqin.

What I have done is paint; I put my emotions on a canvas. I also look after two hyper children that demand attention.

[ze_uwu_jun]

I do believe that you have done what you can, and that you have not broken faith here.

I do believe that you want to be good and do right.

And I do understand why the threats make it worse, and harder, for you to hold on to the light.

But to have

To have more than a single glimmer, one that you will always fear losing thus making it harder to hold on to it, the path is strewn with blades from where you stand. For it means you have to open your heart is compassion and empathy and understanding, from you to others. And that will hurt. I know, because it means feeling the pain of others and not looking away.

If it is a journey that you do decide to undertake, I will be there to lean on. If not, so long as your pattern of kindness and righteousness holds, I will protect you.

Neither path is gentle. Neither path lets you rest just yet.

But I will not turn away from you.

[dazzlingdream]

It's much like my life before. I am being tested and I know better than to bite or lash out. Jin Ling's absence has made it much worse for me. He, surprisingly, became a soft place for me - though I know I am not deserving of comfort.

Knowing and desiring are two very different things, aren't they?

I am on that journey, Zewu-Jun, no matter how I fuss. But it isn't fair to include those from our world in my struggle. Any gathering in the future will be free of me. If I am needed, I can be found in De Chima. The space will allow for more healing among our fellows.

[ze_uwu_jun]

That is...

Until and unless something changes, that may be easier on you than to have expectations disappointed.

Private.

It is a hard journey. As long as I am here, you will not be entirely alone on it.

Private

[dazzlingdream]

My heart is with you, Zewu-Jun. Always.

I will not put you in an awkward position if it can be helped. I think you have done too much for me. It is time I did something for you.