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Xue Yang. [He has nothing to hide; of course he is associated with the delinquent! This is totally normal. Nothing to worry about here. Please move on.] I wish to speak with you at your earliest opportunity.

[Then, in a softer tone, as Meng Yao moves to his art easel, lifting a brush gracefully.]

Zewu-Jun, Lady Yanli... May I offer my condolences? I have noticed...an absence. If I am mistaken, please correct me.

[Is he watching their house? Noooope. He would never.]

For everyone else, would you suggest purchasing a home in the city or outside of the city's limits?

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They are strong. It is you I worry for more. Being separated from family is never easy.

[He frowns faintly, gathering his courage.]

Would you let me take you to lunch?

[ Ah.

Xichen's shoulders slump a little. It would be so, so easy, to lean on Meng Yao again. To bask in his company and let it soothe him.

He is...

Without his brother here, he is just a little lost.

And yes, he knows he is likely to incur Jiang Wanyin's arath with this answer, but, on his own, he has to figure things out without someone looking over his shoulder. And that will not happen by running away from any of it. ]

Thank you. I think I will like that.

[Xichen has been under too much pressure by far. Meng Yao expects nothing and this is truly an offer without any strings attached. Of course he can't help being besotted with the man, but that isn't anything new.]

I know just the restaurant unless -

Would you prefer it if I cooked for you?

[ Xichen tilts his head slightly. It's tempting, so tempting, to indulge in the privacy of a home. With the man he once held among his closest.

But...

He knows that might not be the best idea. Even with Wangji gone, there are those who would prefer Meng Yao's influence limited. ]

Let us start with a lunch out.

[ Perhaps the other one, later. Another time. He yearns for the company, for all he recognizes part if it is habit. When he missed Wangji before, during his time of recuperation...

Well, anyway.

He does not wish to see him hurt while he is trying to do better. And Xichen does think Meng Yao is trying. ]

Do you have a favored place in one of the cities?

[He will do anything - everything - to make Xichen comfortable. Everything he has acquired, he will share in the blink of an eye. His Zewu-Jun, at the very least, should cease to suffer. He can't protect him from the truth, but if his comfort is accepted, he will give it generously and often.]

As you wish. [Being in public won't stop him from showing his affection. They have always been more about soft touches and gentle words anyway.]

I know of several. I would like to take you to my personal favorite. It is comfortable and quiet.

[ That road... just got a little longer and more winding. It's fine. Xichen has juniors to keep him focused rather than withdrawing from everything as he wishes he could make.

The world is... infinitely emptier, without Wangji. But leaving it is not an option available to him, is it?

He manages a small smile, inclining his head. ]

Then I will like to join you there.

[He is an excellent place to rest against and he has a talent for braiding hair - or smoothing it out. Xichen needn't toil alone on that road.]

Zewu-Jun...

I think I am making headway. There are some days I almost feel...calm.

[ Maybe... they might not get that far ahead, but still. ]

Calm is a good beginning.

Within calm, there is clarity to be found.

[Clarity... He has come to one realization within that clarity. Well. Two.]

Zewu-Jun has my heart. [There is the first.]

And I will not repeat the mistakes of my past.

[ Well. The other thread might. Help with understanding while the confession might not have the effect of joy that might reasonably be expected.

But at least it's not met with anger or rejection. Xichen falls still for a long moment, then nods, slightly. ]

Thank you. I - will try to n-- [ he swallows. ] To not cause harm again.

[ He is glad that Meng Yao is working on not repeating mistakes, he truly is.

He just has no idea how to not fall into his own mistakes again. So any encouragement feels hollow and false, and he refrains. ]

[He keeps stumbling, yet thankfully his mistakes are words and not actions. And he would have to be madder than he is already to expect Xichen to return any of his feelings.]

What harm did you cause? I was the one who pulled a blindfold over your eyes, Zewu-Jun. Don't blame yourself for -

For me.

[ They are not wrong words, not a mistake. But Xichen doesn't have enough left to love himself, let alone trust himself with feelings for anyone else. There is Wangji, of course, and opening his heart to welcome Jingyi and now Miu, and that is hard enough, what with how his story with chosen family goes.

What Meng Yao is offering...

I'm not enough.

If there is one thing he knows about the dynamic between himself and this man, it's this. He's offered him all of his love and support from the first day they met, demonstratively, unstintingly. But all he got, in the end, was the repeated reminder that what he offered...

It was a stepping stone. The means to an end. Get recognition, find the weapon, find the means to kill someone...

Not an end.

He hears the reassurances now. But he knows his own limits. He will only fail again.

He does blink slightly and Meng Yao's response, one of the things that still makes sure he doesn't sleep - Shuoyue running through the slender, golden-clad body - playing in his mind's eye again.

But as this is public, he only shakes his head. ]

It's more complicated than that.

Let us... Have lunch, and rest in each other's company?

Yes! [His enthusiasm makes his voice shake and perhaps Xichen is not a stepping stone or a means to an end. Meng Yao was split in two a long time ago and the best part of him stayed with Xichen. Every time he was knocked down, he reminded himself that there was a man who helped him stand up again. But he was greedy and deluded and broken.

Instead of embracing peace, he declared war against every one who ever dared to belittle him.

And all of them had the face, the voice...the demeanor...of his father. Even Mingjue.

He had loved Mingjue.]

I'm sure you haven't been sleeping well. I can help.

[ That is the worst part. Xichen ... does believe Meng Yao had loved Mingjue. He even believes he had loved his son.

That had not made either of them any of them safe from being discarded. ]

I... work nights. There is no need for concern. I get more rest meditating.

[His mental illness can only be quieted and contained. Meng Yao knows what awaits him if he allows something terrible to happen. Xichen probably won't be able to see him again. At least not out in the open air.]

Then meditate with me. I came to Cultivation late and I learned to mimic others without truly understanding the techniques for myself.

Edited 2020-06-09 16:21 (UTC)

[ This, at least, is easy. Xichen shakes his head. ]

You learned very well, I know that, and that the cost to you was great, as well.

But I would like that. Meditating together.

Being near you calms me. I know it's selfish of me to ask, but how can I resist when you're right here?

[His smile is shy and sweet.]

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