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[It's late and his bedroom is pitch-black except for a small stream of moonlight. Meng Yao's voice is low - the pitch pleasing to the ears - yet what he says can't be true. The man is speaking to the dead.]

Mingjue, you judged me too harshly. I only wanted to be accepted by you; I wanted you to trust me. I served you so well, didn't I? Why do you look angry?

[His tone trembles and there is the sound of sheets and blankets shifting.]

Everyone will be able to see you this way! It's not so bad. You're as handsome as ever!

[There is a small cry as if he has been struck. In reality, he has hit himself.]

We'll be together... Don't fuss. You're only haunting me.

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... Meng Yao?

[ What is sleeping, anyway? But this is ... alarming. ]

[Xichen is one of the few that can summon him back. Meng Yao comes into view, pale and his eyes unfocused.]

Zewu-Jun, he does not wish to be seen. What do I do?

[ Xichen is... equally pale, even his lips are bloodless. This... whole thing...

His voice is steady and soothing, all the same. He has to be so. ]

Meng Yao, he is not here. It is not real.

Would you want me to play for you?

[ The xiao. He needs to find a way to make himself a guqin soon. ]

[The device is turned to show...no one sitting on his bed. Meng Yao flicks on the light for the room, shaking.]

He -

I saw him. He was speaking to me.

[He covers his face and sinks onto his knees.]

...please?

Edited 2020-06-15 08:17 (UTC)

Of course.

[ There is some rustling, and the soft click of doors, and then there is the sound of the xiao. It is a different song from the one Xichen has taught him, but soothing one all the same.

He is also playing while going to Meng Yao's place.

There are times to stay away. And even though all of this could be acting, on the chance that it is not...

Xichen is going. ]

[He rocks a little as the music begins, glancing now and then around the room. Meng Yao doesn't have the presence of mind to switch to audio and, frankly, not being seen in some capacity frightens him. What if Nie Mingjue returns and finishes what he started?

It isn't as if he doesn't deserve it.

But the music pierces his fear, helping him to rise above it to a place where only Xichen resides. Xichen won't have any trouble getting inside since Meng Yao left him with a key.]

His neck... I'm sorry -

[ Well. Xichen was walking and playing.

Now he's walking, crying, and playing.

Da ge was a good man.

He did not deserve...

He did not deserve this.

And it was Meng Yao's doing.

And for all that Xichen feels like he is betraying a good man, he can't leave Meng Yao to suffer like this. It can't be good. It can't lead to good things.

The music pauses briefly as Xichen lets himself in, for the first time, in the other's place of residence and disconnects the call. Then resumes, soft, as Xichen leans his back on the door, this time the spiritual energy very much working too, tears tracks down his cheeks very far from drying. ]

[The music is what leads him to Xichen, his legs trembling so badly that he can hardly hold himself upright. He is wearing only a thin robe that trails behind him, silver in the moonlight, and it isn't tied as tightly closed as it should be. But politeness must be abandoned tonight.

His hands grasp thin air until he finds Xichen and then he latches onto him, embracing him with a sob.]

Zewu-Jun! I saw him in my bed! He's so tall -

I know he couldn't hide!

[ Xichen finishes the movement before taking the xiao away from his lips, tucking it into his belt and wrapping his arms around the younger man. No, he's not that bothered by the thin robe, mostly because he barely registers that. ]

It's not real, Meng Yao. Your mind is playing tricks on you. He is not here.

I'm ... I'm here.

[His world steadies and the whispers of Nie Mingjue, his little son, his wife and the countless others he has killed grow distant. In a rush of gratitude, Meng Yao rises onto his toes and presses a warm kiss to Xichen's mouth.]

Will you stay? Please?

[ Xichen freezes, but doesn't either push away or lean back. Only closes his eyes over more tears.

Then he swallows. ]

I'm here.

Will you - will it be easier if we settle on the couch? Can you sleep there?

[ He can insist that they move to the bed. It's probably going to make things worse. ]

[There is moisture on his lips and when he licks them, he tastes the salt of Xichen's tears. If possible, hurting him is worse than seeing a ghost.]

I can. [He swallows the desire to lay with the other man. He knows if they did, he wouldn't be able to stop himself.]

Zewu-Jun, you came for me...

I did. You have been fighting bravely on your own but, sometimes, you don't have to face things alone.

[ Please don't ask him, Meng Yao. He's still not great at saying no, what he wants is a great gray unknown, and if it happens, he'll probably lose whatever ledge of traces of sanity he is standing on.

For now, he seeks out said piece of furniture - so odd at the beginning, but now something he is used to expecting - his arm scooping around the slighter man and guiding him towards it.

Then he sits at one end, Liebing laid out beside him, and carefully motions towards the thing. ]

Come, stretch out. Your head resting on me.

[He is very reluctant to let Xichen go, but they have to separate in order to get to the couch without tripping. Belatedly, he pulls his robe closed and waits for the other man to settle. The offer is accepted immediately - gratefully - and Meng Yao lays down, resting his head on Xichen's lap. His trembling quiets further and he forces himself to breathe deep.]

I keep asking too much of you. [He isn't a fool; he can see the strain he causes.] I accept what awaits me, Zewu-Jun. There is justice and I want to believe you will wake up one day and know, without a single doubt, that you are happy and fulfilled.

[ Xichen's fingers start carding and combing gently through Meng Yao's hair as soon as they are settled, steady, soothing.

But his eyes squeeze shut at the last part. He doesn't believe he will ever be either of those things.

He doesn't believe he deserves either of those things, or ever will.

But then he looks back down on the man in his lap, the man who tried to have everything and then lost everything, and his self-pity adds to his guilt. How dare Xichen make any of this about himself... ]

It is human to hope. In this place where what awaits you isn't, yet, it is all right to ... try to not hasten its approach. To try to not repeat the mistakes of the past. To do and have different things.

It's all right.

[He feels himself drifting - from a nightmare to a dream - and he gazes at Xichen in sleepy awe. When the other man closes his eyes, he lifts a hand and touches his cheek. There are so many wounds he can't heal, but this is the one he wishes - prays - he could heal the most.]

Do you listen to your own advice, Zewu-Jun? [A small, affectionate smile follows.] It's okay to want and to feel.

You can sleep in my bed tonight. I will rest out here.

[ Xichen just sits there, eyes lowered to the familiar, beloved face. To that smile. And no, he is not going anywhere. He wasn't going to sleep, anyway. ]

It is... different. Your mistakes were in the path you chose, the path perhaps you could not help but choose.

Mine were in hoping and wanting to believe in goodness enough that it blinded me. In wanting to hold on to partial information, out of pure pride and selfishness.

When my mistakes were wanting and selfishness, how would going back to them be wrong?

[ Slightly, he tilts his face into the touch. ]

When I know I am no longer blind, that my hopes and wants won't lead me to the wrong places, then I will allow them to myself again.

[ His own advice is simply not applicable to himself, that's all. ]

You are too hard on yourself. [But that is the way of a Lan. Meng Yao could use more of that discipline - more of that deep understanding of morality. He might not have lost his way so badly if he had been a Lan.

Gods know, he would have been happier at Xichen's side.]

That is how you are able to look at me. But I tell you now, Zewu-Jun, you are worth a million of me.

[No, more than a million and all of them must be behaving like they should. Even then, Xichen would be priceless in comparison to them.]

You are not blind for caring about a monster.

[ Xichen shakes his head very slightly. ]

Do not think so about yourself. Your heart beats such as mine does. Your hands touch in tenderness, as mine do. We are different, but not so much. You are human, and so am I. There is nothing that makes you worth less.

And no. I am not blind for caring about you. But ... I am blind for ignoring the things you did wrong. For wanting to be right and those who brought the truth to me wrong. For hoping that I was seeing the real you. For believing I was giving you enough, that you were showing me yourself.

Not for caring. But for failing to guide, to help, to know.

[His expression falls at the admittance and he strokes over Xichen's cheek with gentle fingers.]

You stood up for me; you believed in me. Do you know what that means to me? Zewu-Jun, you were and are my sanity and my heart.

I was ashamed to show you the worst side of me. [And so he hid it deep, making himself forget it entirely when they were alone together. It was like he had lived two lives.] I know now that if I had turned to you and told you the truth, you would have been merciful to me.

It takes a strong man to show mercy to someone like me.

[ Xichen's own hands have not hesitated in their soothing motion through Meng Yao's hair. After a moment, he shakes his head. ]

I wish you had turned to me with the truth before you had gone too far for everyone else to be able to accept it. But... what is done is done.

All we can do now is not repeat the same mistakes.

Do you think we can manage that?

[ Cutting down innocent people for ambition, forswearing the oath the three of them took together and killing one of the best men whom Xichen has known, killing his own son. Xichen cannot deny that those are the actions of a monster. But ...

He will still think of Meng Yao as human, first. As someone who can choose, though it may be at a price so high. As someone who can learn. Who can to better. Who can strive for goodness, just as he has not, before. ]

[He thinks he might be able to sleep if Xichen keeps that up. But not before he tries to help. He can't keep taking. He has to give.]

I'm trying. [Meng Yao hasn't hurt anyone since his arrival. Not physically. Emotionally... Well, that can't be helped when it comes to people from their world. He has done too much damage there for it to be fixed overnight.]

I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's difficult. I had so many defenses for years. Now I have nothing. Just myself.

[ It's a little easier, right this moment.

Xichen has missed him, too, and felt guilty about it, but missed him. ]

Weren't you so alone, behind all of those defenses?

... [He nods because saying the word out loud hurts.] I can't remember...not being alone...in some capacity.

[ Xichen swallows. He is... perhaps not the person to say the words that follow, but he has tried to lower his own. His hands remain soothing in Meng Yao's hair. ]

Then, perhaps, those defenses were not what you needed. Nor what you nee.

[Xichen's kindness seems boundless to him and he gazes at him in quiet, sleepy awe, resting a hand over the other man's beating heart.]

I was scared to trust anyone. I believed nothing good could last.

I... understand. [ For a moment, his fingers linger, caressing a cheek for a moment before returning to the hair. ] Trust is difficult, and an easy path to get hurt.

But it is more than only that.

[His eyes close and he breathes deeper. If he just lets himself be weak before Xichen, maybe that won't be so bad.]

I trust you.

[His eyes open again and he sets his lips into a thin line.]

What was between us was real and powerful.

... Sir?

[It's late, but Jane was just about to go to bed when she came across this. It's too clear a cry out for-- something? For help?-- that she doesn't feel right ignoring it.]

Are you alright..?

[The unfamiliar voice has him fumbling in the shadows. The bed creaks and a shaking hand grabs the device, lifting it so that he can see her.]

Can you see him?

[Erm...]

See who?

[She can see him, but it looks like he's alone.]

...Nie Mingjue. [He says the name desolately.] He visits me at night, but there is no record of him having entered any city.

I can't see anyone else with you.

[But she's concerned. He sounds very distressed.]

Is he... someone special?

[What is sleep? You can't sleep for hundreds or years and not end up with some kind of difficulty sleeping.]

Hey! You alright?

[She reaches over to her Warframe and grabs Lex Prime, the weight of the pistol strange in her hand but it's more a reassurance for him at the moment. He won't have a teenager (exactly) coming to help if he needs.]

[He wishes he could sleep for a hundred years! How does one go about accomplishing that?]

I can't say. Do you see him?

[A pale hand vaguely gestures at the empty bed.]

I will believe you.

[Just trust an alien entity like a mother and climb into a cryopod like she tells you after winning a war. No problem.]

I don't see anyone but that doesn't always mean much. You're feeling threatened, that's what matters.

Do you need someone to come clear out your apartment or house or whatever?

[And yet that would still be better than the end that awaits him! That's just sad, Meng Yao.]

If it isn't real, does that mean my mind is getting worse?

[He blinks at the offer, flushing in shame in the dark.]

How would you go about doing it?

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