maskormenace | text. anonymous.

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text. anonymous.

Is there anything about yourself that you would change, if you could?

And do any of you have the ability or powers to change people's physical bodies? Like with magic, or something.

Not science.

[ Science has already let him down. Science led him here. Luther doesn't much savour the idea of another brilliant person with brilliant inventions trying to get beneath his ape-like skin, when he and his father already tried and failed.

There is something to be said for acceptance, and coming to terms with yourself and your new capabilities or lack thereof. Luther isn't there yet. And he has too many memories now, of an entire decade in the City without this albatross around his neck, this anchor around his ankle. Every time he thinks he might have readjusted to his malformed body again, this world delivers him another goddamned reminder of what he's lost: accidentally remaking his own form when dreams became real; his siblings winding up in others' bodies; waking up looking like his teenaged self, from a far simpler time. It rankles; makes it harder each time to feel comfortable again.

So. He asks the question, finally. ]

& ooc: I don't want to permanently 'fix' Luther, but if your character can do it, I would absolutely be open to a change backfiring or working temporarily! Feel free to plot ICly, or reach out OOCly to hash out some details!

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Yes.

I wish I could be human again.

[ Wince. And there it is, the thing he was fishing for: a kind of jagged solidarity, and confirmation that somebody else feels the same way. He suspects the statement's more literal than figurative, too. ]

Sorry. I know what that's like.
Did something happen to change it?

[ Change you, rather, but he's being polite. ]

[ this goes private because some people know him, even if kaneki never expected anyone to know. This world is a bad joke sometimes. ]

Yes. There was a doctor at a hospital, I though he was helping me but in the end he was just experimenting on me, to see what would happen. [ It's the first time kaneki says (writes?) this on his own, for a very long time he was in denial and really wanted to believe Dr. kanou had no idea he had done such a thing. That's wishful thinking, though, of course he knew what he was doing. ]

[ It's only the second time in a year that Luther's really broached this subject, either. It's only under the comforting mask of anonymity that he could ever bring it up, could ever hope to be as honest in discussing it: ]

Shit. Like, an actual stereotypical mad scientist running experiments or something? That's awful.

Mine was a doctor, too, except the doctor was my father. He was trying to save my life, but it had inadvertent side-effects.

[ He types it out carefully, not realising how closely it might echo Kaneki's experience. ]

So far, I'm the only one he created. He will create more in the future. [ kaneki knows this because there is someone from his future who told him this. And who also underwent the experiment ]

I'm sorry. He was trying to help you, though, at least it was out of kindness. [ and not out of being absolutely batshit insane who wanted to throw science at a wall and see if it stuck, like Kaneki's doctor did. ]

I guess so, yeah. [ Reminding himself that it had been done out of kindness was, sometimes, the only thing that had gotten him through the past four years. ]

What did he do? If I can ask.

There are creatures in my world that humans are afraid of. He put organs belonging to them into me. So I became like them.

What were your side-effects?

[ Luther is gonna feel like such an idiot if he hears about Kaneki's side-effects!! Still, though, he braces himself and makes himself type it, and rips off the band-aid and hits send: ]

Started off human. Now it's like my head's been sewn onto a gorilla's body. Transformed by a serum made from ape DNA.

Edited 2020-07-17 14:35 (UTC)

[ that's not so bad. Well, it IS probably terrible because no one likes to feel different and like a freak. BUT. At least they aren't eating humans. Or apes. That's good! Yay for positive thinking.

but no, truthfully kaneki feels for the other. He knows what's like to feel like a monster and Kaneki CAN hide it, while this person can't ]

I'm sorry. It must be hard to live like that. Do other people mind the way you look a lot?

They pretend they don't, but there's always, always a double-take. Surprise. Questions you can tell they want to ask but they're too polite to. Even when people are kind about it, I feel like you can still tell.

I think I understand what you mean. Even when they say it's okay, they are still thinking "how monstrous".

Yeah. Like they can swear up and down that it doesn't matter, but it's not normal, so of course it does matter. And I don't blame them for reacting, honestly. I react every time. If I'd been born this way, at least I'd be more used to it.

How about yours?

[ the answer comes late. Kaneki doesn't know if he should answer. This person doesn't know who he is and he can hide himself, but what if they try to find him? Try to find that one imPort who happens to have in their file "eats humans". At the same time, it's hard for Kaneki to write it. Because it means somehow accepting what he does as something that can be easily written down and it's not.

But it's unfair that this person told him and Kaneki isn't being truthful.

it takes a while to write, but eventually he does ]

I eat humans.

[ The delay in response isn't surprising; Luther's own comments, all over this post, have had gaps in them, hesitant pauses where he has to muster everything together to respond, find the right words. But here, for the first time in maybe about a year, Luther's oversized thumb slips across the keys and accidentally sends the message before he's done typing. He is that shocked, that caught off-guard: ]

W hat

[ He's not sure what he was expecting. He wished he hadn't sent that; like blurting it out, that fucking double-take he was just talking about, except now directed to this poor soul. ]

Like... a vampire?

No. Not like a vampire. [ like an actual cannibal, but Kaneki will not be writing that. There is a big limit to what he is willing to accept about his condition, and calling himself a cannibal - even though he is - is a big hard limit ]

Due to what I was turned into, I'm no long able to feed on normal human food.

Ah, shit.

[ Luther rarely swears, but he's already done so twice in this conversation — it's worthy of it. And it's like a bucket of cold water, a dose of perspective suddenly flung right in his face, a realisation that some parts of it could still be worse. Both their situations are awful, in different-but-similar ways. ]

I already said that sucks, but at the risk of complete understatement... that really, really sucks. What kind of person would do that to you, just to see if they can?

[ Kaneki feels... gross. Disgusting. He just admitted to someone what he was and all of that is the right response to it, right? Bewilderment, disgust. Is this person disgusted? They should be. Kaneki is. Even someone who also feels monstrous for how they look would find this disgusting. And yet he hates this response, too. Because Kaneki doesn't want to be seen like that, either. Like he said, he wishes he was human again.

But actually, most likely he'd hate whatever response given to him, no matter what it was.

"I eat humans". There is no good response to that, is there? ]

I don't know.

I'm sorry. [ he needs to apologize, of course. This person shouldn't be involved in this and they shouldn't know about this. Kaneki just put them in a difficult (and probably terrifying) position.

They now know there is a man-eating-monster among imPorts but they don't know who, of course it's terrifying. ]

I shouldn't have said it.
I promise I'm not hurting anyone. I promise I don't want to either. I promise I won't do anything bad.

[ And for the first time ever, Luther experiences the turning of the tables and it catches him wrong-footed: for once, seeing someone else roiling with that panicky self-loathing that's far, far too familiar. Luther falls back on shattered politeness, too, when he's hurting.

So he tries to reel the commenter back in; kicking himself for possibly having scared them off. By being such a goddamned hypocrite. They'd opened up, and he'd jolted just like everybody else. That would be his worst nightmare too. ]

Hey, no, don't worry. I'm sorry for being surprised.

Thanks for trusting me with it.

How long has it been?

[ Nobody should apologize for being surprised at that, Kaneki thinks. He doesn't blame this person at all for that reaction because it's, after all, normal. Natural. It's what it should be.

And he is trying to be nice about it, Kaneki realizes. After all, they have been talking how the world sees them as monsters, and this person felt it too, the way others look at him. So Ken understands why he is trying not to judge or trying to be nice about it, but he doesn't have to. Because that reaction he had is the right one to have, despite how it makes Kaneki feel.

He isn't sure if he should continue this conversation. But he started it, didn't he? And this is hardly "trusting" when he doesn't show his face or name. ]

Four and a half months. [ it was only one month and a half back in this world, and then three months in this place. He is surprised he has been able to live as a ghoul for this long, in fact. ]

I'm sorry. I think I should go.

If you want to. That's okay.

[ God, he's really put his foot in it now. Because Luther knows and recognises this feeling. Knows it so well. The first time his siblings had seen what he looked like, he'd literally turned and fled and run away from them. When Allison had tried to talk to him about it the day after, he'd shut it down entirely, slammed the metaphorical door in her face.

So he gets it. He does.

And at least this conversation is private. There's one last thing he can try, one last line cast out into the ocean. It's a leap of faith, but he owes it to this person, whoever they are, after his comment fuck-up— ]

My name's Luther Hargreeves. If you want to find me on the network, or talk again any other time.

You don't have to tell me your name.

[ Kaneki looks at the name for a while before he even thinks of answering (should he?). He, naturally doesn't want to give his, but he also didn't want the other to feel like he had to do that. ]

You didn't have to tell me your name.

No, I didn't.

But I know what it's like when there's no one to talk to. And you wouldn't be able to find me again otherwise. So, just... I'm not very good at talking but if you did want to, later, you can do that now.

[ There is another pause between replies, this one probably longer than before. Kaneki eventually gets off anonymous (but not private) ]

Ken Kaneki.

It's nice to meet you, Ken.

[ Polite and well-schooled, as ever. ]

text. anonymous.

[ Anon ; text ]

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> private, but still anon

yuuup perma-private

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