03 | text

[deadtective]

I was going to apologize for throwing more inane bullshit on here, but since we're all going to be dying of plague soon I guess it's actually kind of topical. Get out while you still can, you know?

Anyway. Has anyone from an earth like this visited their home here? Was that kind of fun or just massively depressing?

And uh, I guess if the overwhelming answer is depressing I'm also taking vacation recommendations. I'm not really picky as long as it's somewhere kind of quiet and thought provoking. Someplace you can clear your head, you know?

Comments

[deadtective]

Try and write it off all you want, but we all know the truth now.

[cephalothorax]

If the truth is that you like to hurt odd accusations at people about their home heating preferences, we definitely do!

[deadtective]

I don't like it any more than you do, but someone needs to do this job and unfortunately for you I'm unemployed.

[cephalothorax]

Are you admitting that's an odd accusation, then?

Why don't yoy have a job?

[deadtective]

I don't know about odd, but it's the first time I've had to throw something like it out there.

Haven't found one I can do that'd hire me. Isn't that everyone's reason?

[cephalothorax]

Didn't they give you one when you arrived?

[deadtective]

Yeah. I quit as soon as I got here.

[cephalothorax]

But why?

[deadtective]

Because I'd rather chew off my own arm than be a motivational speaker, that's why.

[cephalothorax]

Motivational speaker?

Wow.

[deadtective]

Exactly! I'd probably be better at trying to be a legitimate private detective.

[cephalothorax]

Well... why don't you do that, then?

[deadtective]

You need a license or whatever? And who has time for that shit, seriously.

[cephalothorax]

Didn't you just say you're unemployed and play video games all day?

[deadtective]

I watch late night documentaries too!!

[cephalothorax]

I'd say that leaves plenty of time to get licensed.

[deadtective]

It definitely does not! You need years of prior experience and there's a test! I'm waaaay too busy for that, are you kidding me? I just got my social life back!

[cephalothorax]

They would probably make allowances for imPorts. Why not look into it!

[deadtective]

You just glossed right over that part about my social life, didn't you.

[cephalothorax]

Absolutely.

[deadtective]

Well here I am lacquering it back on top because I do have one and fuck if I'm giving it up just to tell jealous wives their husbands are sleeping with hookers on their weekends!!!!

[cephalothorax]

People can have jobs and still maintain a social life. Actually, I would say most people do that!

[deadtective]

Not people preparing to lie their way through a private detective licensing exam.

[cephalothorax]

But that's temporary. Then you finish the exam and... there you are. Licensed.

[deadtective]

And friendless. Ready to sit alone in a rundown office waiting for dangerous women with low necklines to saunter through as I struggle with my alcoholism and cynical world outlook.

I'd need to buy a fedora too. Come on, this is so much work.