video

[fuckai]

[Oh hey, look. Its another one of those armored guys. Sorry, Mask or Menace.]

Hey. This is Private Leonard Church. You may know me from things such as The Real Meaning of Dibs and The Reason Why Shades of Red on an Emergency Alert System are Fuckin' Stupid.

I'm here today to tell you a thing or two about the good, ol' American holiday you're all celebrating. I know, I know. Why the education after the fact? After all the shit's bought and pies are cooling and giant birds are taking up space in the fridge?

[Pause for effect, aaaaaaaand...]

Because I guarantee not a single one of you assholes know what this day's really about. Sure, there's the crap about settlers and Indians and giant corn being sent to the King-- [N...o... literally none of that is right] --but you know what no one talks about? The truth behind everything. The fact that for one night a year just about every American has come together to lay a slaughtered bird out on the table.

And before you animal right's activists pull your picket signs out of your asses, let me lay out some facts for you:

[He raises a hand, ticking everything out on his fingers] First- Turkeys. Just look at 'em. [A picture appears in the upper corner of the screen.] Ugly assholes, right? Beaks made to peel flesh, skin that's like five different shades, and what the fuck are those ridges? That extra piece of skin just hanging from its face? These things were just made to be pieces of shit.

Second- these things are honest to god douches [A video starts playing in the corner now, replacing the monstrous close-up from before] Pilgrims vs Indians? Yeah, that's just what the government wants you to think happened. Why the hell do you think everyone came together over a burning carcass, huh? These assholes probably kicked the shit out of some kids and-- hey, powdered wigs? They weren't always white. You do not want to see what comes out the other end of those things.

Third- turkeys are those assholes who do half the work and get all the credit. [Church what does that even mean] That feather trick? The one kids color with their hands? The ones on all the fuckin' merchandise? Peacocks got that first, but you don't see them in stores everywhere as soon as November comes rolling around.

[.... even if.... peacocks are dicks, too....]

Anyway, the bottom line is fuck giving thanks! Kill a turkey!

Douchebags deserve it.

Comments

PERMAVOICE;

[worstever]

This is what you spent your Thanksgiving doing?

PERMAVOICE;

[fuckai]

Fuck yeah it is! What the hell else would I be doing?

[Eating.

Eating's a thing you would be doing.]

instantly thieves joke

[worstever]

Eating. Eating is a thing you could be doing.

i laughed a lot

[fuckai]

Well no shit I could be eating! It's Thanksgiving!

But people should still know why we're slaughtering douchebag birds.

video + link

[buildsfriends]

BUT CHURCH! Turkeys are very complimentary! Just look at this guy! [no seriously check it out]

That man is so touched he is crying. I don't speak turkey but I'm pretty sure they must be saying some very nice things.

video

[fuckai]

Yeah uh. They're not saying nice things, Caboose. [What the hell Rookie stop ruining his point]

I just talked to a guy. A super, uh, important Turkey-ese translator. The turkeys actually have that guy's family hostage. And are forcing them to sign up for Red Team.

[Shit what else can he say to have Caboose permanently on his side in the Great Turkey War?]

Oh, right, he said they were also saying Tucker's a better recruit than you.

video

[buildsfriends]

What?! [SPUTTERS!]

Well that is just- That's just not true at all! That's not true. I am pretty bad at being a soldier, but I can't be worse than Tucker. [the important part]

video

[fuckai]

Hey, I'm just passing along what the birds are saying. [... you know, it's almost amusing how well this is working out.] You want to prove something, prove it to them.

Text;

[pastdoesntdefine]

[ ..Wow. W O W. Alpha has officially outstripped Epsilon of the title of ANGRIEST AI IN EXISTANCE -- after Omega, probably. Either way, it takes a few minutes and a full rewatch before she can bring herself to comment ]

You have the strangest grip on history, you know that, right.

Voice;

[fuckai]

[You know what? He'll take that title and wear it proudly.]

And you obviously haven't done your Thanksgiving research.

[Church your "research" didn't even make it off shitposting forums.]

Text;

[pastdoesntdefine]

It was actually called 'history' back in school. Only a few centuries out of date compared to now, at least, but likely more on the nose than yours.

I think you just have it in for birds.

video;

[moneylogues]

...Wow. Now that was some speech.

[That was one of the stupidest things he's ever witnessed in his life. But that's par for the course with these morons.]

video;

[fuckai]

[Welcome back to Sim Soldier Hell, Felix.]

Hell yeah it was! Turkey are fucking vermin, we should be eating them more than just once a goddamn year!

[He's just going to be ignoring your judgment.]

video;

[moneylogues]

[He regrets everything about this already.

But it's like a really stupid car accident. You just can't look away.]

And how many turkeys have you personally killed? Give me a rough estimate here. How deep does the rivalry go?

Audio

[mammal_robot]

Well I feel educated.

Audio

[fuckai]

You should! People keep way too quiet about what assholes these birds are.

video;

[givetheslip]

Are you trying to be funny?

video;

[fuckai]

Funny? Hell no! Why the fuck would I joke about turkeys on Thanksgiving?

[Contrary to the words coming out of his mouth.......... Church sounds extremely devoted to everything he's saying.]

video;

[givetheslip]

That's what I'm asking. I'm not exactly an expert on the holiday—it's only my second.

text

[failureisntachoice]

You could try not embarrassing yourself in public.

voice

[fuckai]

How is this embarrassing?!? Turkeys are fuckfaces that deserve to be killed by the millions!

text

[failureisntachoice]

Because you're bitching to the entire network about killing turkeys.

voice;

[bestever]

Y'know, you're missing the real enemy here.

Geese. Geese are the worst.

voice;

[fuckai]

Huh.

Okay, new plan. We get geese on the Thanksgiving kill list.

voice;

[bestever]

... Huh.

How do geese taste, though? I mean, is this gonna be a step down, or anything?