00:02 | TEXT

[timeframes]

hey its that time again
this special day when a dude turns seventeen and gets fuck all in return for it
seriously though who the fuck decides im somehow arbitrarily just not eligible for shit until our planet flings itself around the goddamn sun one more time
what difference does it
the president peering through his fuckoff huge space telescope or whatever while he decides who can get tatted up or not
turns to the guy writing the constitution and is like yo that SO TIGHT but you gotta see eighteen of those sick tricks before we let you do anything cool
cant be getting a sweet full sleeve of carebears on your arm or BIG DICK BILL directly on your forehead until youve supposedly survived a full set of life experiences absolutely every shitbird out there will have somehow before that magic date passes that allows them to make mature and rational decisions
maybe ive got a serious emergency only fireworks or lottery tickets can solve and because some guy whos most definitely dead decided 1000 years ago to pass some sort of moral judgement on me
something to think about

whatever
point is
i dont really have a point guess its just been a while since ive actually DONE something to mark the day my diapered ass got slammed into the earth at ten thousand miles an hour
so you could indulge in that time honored tradition of giving into the lull of modern consumerism which states you have to bestow worthless crap on someone for the great feat of continuing to breathe another year
or i guess more practically you could stop by krakatoa and listen to some of my sweet jams since i work there or something
hey thats some free advertising right there
i should be getting paid for that namedrop

Comments

text.

[glowsferatu]

not to lend any credence to this planets habit of arbitrarily assigning certain allowances to age
but chronologically you arent actually seventeen for three more months
im pretty sure weve talked about this

also if you have BIG DICK BILL tattooed to your forehead i will forget i ever knew you
thats a promise

text.

[timeframes]

so you dont want to legitimize this obviously oppressive system then try and make me bend to it immediately
thats some deep shit
you should really examine that one yo
anyway i took a brief survey of time experts here and since im pretty much the go to guy on all matters related to chronology and other assorted time shit then im gonna have to go with
nah
im seventeen now

and thats the point
i cant get that tattoo
until next year

text.

[glowsferatu]

actually i think lying about your age not only to others but also yourself instead of confronting the system head on does more to legitimize the system you dislike than anything i said
youre being no less arbitrary and fighting an entirely different system
while still making yourself beholden to the problem
so today may be your birthday but it doesnt mean youre seventeen

hopefully you use this year wisely
so when the time comes youll undertand what a stupid idea that is

text.

[timeframes]

nah youre taking the anti establishment rhetoric too far
you gotta just take a single stand and stubbornly defend it until the other side gives up
hell if we unravel this whole thing then we can get mad trippy with trying to cross compare the age of my consciousness and this particular meatsack in which im currently residing
because i got a shitload of backlog if you count time doubles and angst riddled birdselves
dave in general all added up can probably be eighteen
yeah i like that
guess what im eighteen now

[heavyhitter]

that ad sucked im not paying for shit

[timeframes]

they pay celebs top freakin dollar to namedrop all the time
it was subtle and unforced that shit should be bringing in some major dough

[heavyhitter]

are u a celeb tho, are u really

anyway not paying for that ad but i am definitely doing u a birthday. u really want all that shit?

[bloodpressured]

CONGRATS ON THE BREATHING, BRO. FOR SERIOUS. SOME CHUMPS MIGHT TRY TO DOWNPLAY THE ACCOMPLISHMENT, BUT WE DON'T NEED TO STAND FOR THAT SHIT. I'M PREPARED TO PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE TO MAKE CLEAR THAT THERE WERE SOME TRULY UNPARALLELED FEATS OF BREATHING IN THE PAST YEAR IN ADDITION TO A VERITABLE MASTERCLASS IN METEORIC DIAPER SLAMMING, AND YOU DESERVE EVERY COMMEMORATIVE NACHO BUGLE MONEY CAN BUY.

[timeframes]

thanks dude
you get it
obvious some people got higher standards for the bare minimum of effort but not me
the fact i get pants on almost every day is yet another gold star in my book
personally pretty goddamn proud of my achievement and intend to savor every last nacho bugle i get
i EARNED this seventeen

[bloodpressured]

YOU SURE AS SHIT DID. DON'T LISTEN TO KANAYA. IF WE'RE GOING TO BE UPTIGHT ABOUT THE NUMBER OF DAYS IN A YEAR, WE CAN MAKE UP OUR OWN BULLSHIT FORM OF MEASUREMENT. CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S BEEN THREE DECEMBERS, THAT'S SEVENTEEN NOW WHEN YOU COUNT THE DOUBLE DECEMBERS. OH, WHOOPS, DID ANOTHER JUST GO AROUND AGAIN? NO, NO, FALSE ALARM, THE GUY WITH MEDIUM DICK BILL TAKES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

IT'S NOT A PROBLEM IF I ALREADY BOUGHT YOU A DIFFERENT GOLD-FRAMED TUMBLESLAT PORTRAIT, IS IT?

[timeframes]

hell why not just discard the idea of age entirely
who cares
its not like were beholden to any parents slash guardians and who the hell to say its not totally legal on whatever backwater version of earth to buy all the fireworks i can afford

and obviously not a problem bro
there are a shitload of walls to cover in here and great gold framed tumbleslat portraiture is a rare find
we gotta start our collection young so that shit will be priceless in a few years

voice;

[buildsfriends]

Oh yeah, yup. Yup, you are definitely on Red Team. You should probably tell Grif since he's the only Red here.

voice;

[timeframes]

I'm pretty much a master of sports metaphors but this one is a little lost on me, man. I'm way down for telling some random dude I'm on his team for no reason other than the the fact I picked a font color I liked when I was 12 and stuck with it, but you gotta give me some more deets.

voice;

[buildsfriends]

Oh yeah he's on Red Team? He's pretty lazy, doesn't like doing things. I think if you probably don't ask him for stuff you'll be okay. Sometimes he'll do stuff, but only if he really feels like it. You can give him cookies, he'll do some stuff for cookies.

voice

[timeframes]

Well the guy isn't in danger of me waltzing up to ask for shit out of the blue unless I go out of my way to change my pretty strict policy on not asking guys I barely know to do shit, cookie bribes or not. Hell, I kind of agree with his philosophy. Obviously only do things if you really feel like it or someone is offering some snackage for it.

Any other benefits to being on this team other than "some other guy is on it too and he'll do stuff for cookies"? I got some options to weigh here. Dental. Holiday paid time off.

[nitidus]

Happy birthday, little 'bro.'

[ha ha ha because she's 18 she's so funny dave.]

Don't let Kanaya harsh your 'birthday buzz.'

[timeframes]

ha ha ha
okay there weve all had our laugh about wildly unfair time shenanigans fucking me over yet again
but lets agree to never call me little bro again its kind of fucking with me

dont worry wasnt planning on it
its my birthday gift to her to let her get worked up about something i barely give a shit about
she loves it
the birthday buzz is riding high and im all about spreading the joy

[nitidus]

Actually, my gift to you is twenty-four hours of non-stop reminders that I, Rose Lalonde, am older than you. A whole eighteen years old, just so that it is fresh in all our minds.
:)

[timeframes]

do we really want to go here
im all about having a rousing birthday bash up but is this road one we REALLY want to follow to its conclusion
i see some weird dark shit further down the winding path and im just passin out fair warning before it gets uncomfortable
big sis

backdated because i've been super busy

[wonk]

theres 2 crates of apple juice @ home waiting 4 u

happy birthday son!!! welcome 2 being seventeen. itll take a while 4 u to start feelin it but itll get there

no worries me 2

[timeframes]

woah shit you didnt actually have to get me anything
obviously i dont actually deserve anything for doing the bare minimum of sort of existing for yet another yet
but uh
thanks
thats awesome

does it actually feel different
have i unlocked a whole level level of emotional tolerance or powerups or something
when i do start feeling the instinctual knowledge of how to drive a car

[wonk]

youre family u nerd ofc im gonna do SOMEthing

car driving hasnt kicked in for me yet but ull start feeling the chill soon i think

look at u from a year ago i bet youre WAY more calm than him

Text

[lucke]

This is probably the most colorful conversation I've ever seen...

... It's hard not to join in and play along

text

[timeframes]

hell yeah dude
throw down the fuckin yoke of typing like an adult and void the warranty on any device by breaking that piece of junk free of the binds of manufacturer settings
this was all the rage when i was a punk learning the ropes of online chatting
also pretty convenient for identifying your friends at a glance

but hey maybe as a brand new twenty one year old i should move on to new territory
enough of this text for kids shit
its time to roll entirely into businesstown and strap on my serious letters to relay messages about taxes and corporate holdings

oh fuck no this is too weird

[lucke]

Age has nothing to do with fun. There's not a damn thing I'm doing now that I wasn't doing when I was thirteen. Because I knew I could handle it.

If you think you've got it in you, I say do it. Especially you import kids. The same rules tend not apply.