001 | video

[fayzedandconfused]

[ Holy jittercam, Batman. When the video feed clicks on, whoever's manning the communicator is moving it so quickly that at first it's difficult to see what's being filmed. After a couple seconds, the blur of colors settles into a skinny young girl, sprawled on her bed, lollipop stick poking out of her mouth. Judging by how smoothly the communicator's filming now, she must have set it down onto some kind of hard surface.

Brianna pops the lollipop out of her mouth in order to speak. ]

Hey, you. Yeah, you. You are so lucky, and I'll tell you why. You're in the presence of a bona fide superhero. "But Breeze!" I hear you saying, or typing, or whatever. "We're all superheroes!" Well, not really. Because I don't know about you, but since I got here I've been hearing people whining about how imPorts here don't want to fight crime. Blah, blah. I'm not here to shame anyone. Not all of us are up to that kind of life.

[ In goes the lollipop. Out comes the lollipop. ]

That's where I come in. I'm offering my services to help you out with whatever you need. Fight a baddie? I can do that. Deliver some vitally important message? You got it ASAP. Clean your messy room? I can get that done in about thirty seconds. All I ask for in return is a pair of size six sneakers, or some cash. I don't even care what they look like or what brand they are or how much you pay, as long as it's not a total rip-off.

[ She reaches for the camera again and after another dizzying second of jittercam, the video is pointing at a pair of the rattiest, most falling-apart shoes you've ever seen someone wear. ]

See, that? That's the one crappy thing about having super speed. [ Well, one of them, anyway. Brianna flips the communicator so it's aimed at her face again, then grins widely. ] So, yeah. I hope this can be the start of a wonderful business relationship.

[ A pause. ] Oh, right. And if anyone can tell me what a lifestyle advisor is supposed to do, that would be cool.

[ And then, signing off, she winks. ]

Comments

voice;

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind takes a little offense at this. Mostly because it seems like absolute bollocks that there's a power to run away extraordinarily quickly, and here it's gone to someone who isn't even going to use it properly.

He's a bit jealous.]

A super-hero? Honestly? You're - you're like twelve, aren't you, you've got your whole life ahead of you, why in the world would you waste it on something like that?

video;

[fayzedandconfused]

I'm thirteen.

[ And considering her "superhero" work got her killed just a couple days ago, his comment stings. ]

It's not a waste.

video;

[wizzardly]

I'm just saying there are a lot less dangerous things a young person with your talents could be doing, and still be worthwhile. - Farming, maybe. Think of how quickly you could feed the chickens and little - little rabbits and things. [he has never actually been to a farm.] Or you could work in a library! Gosh, you'd be able to shelve the bookcases in no time at all...

[fayzedandconfused]

[ She quints. ]

Do you need someone to do farm stuff for you?

[wizzardly]

What? No, I'm - I'm trying to mentor you, or something. Give advice.

[fayzedandconfused]

So your advice is to become a librarian?

[wizzardly]

Yes. [smiling, pleased.] Exactly right.

[fayzedandconfused]

No thanks.

[wizzardly]

Do you not like books?

[fayzedandconfused]

[ She frowns, thinking about it. ]

They're not my favorite, but they're okay.

[wizzardly]

Well what is your favorite, then? [he tries to remember being a kid, and the sorts of things kids like.] ...Balloons?

[fayzedandconfused]

Balloons? Seriously? I'm not five.

[wizzardly]

There's nothing wrong with balloons. [defensively, his ears turning pink in embarrassment.] They're - they're pleasant. Well, not the sound they make when they pop, that isn't, but - just in general. It was a fine guess.

[fayzedandconfused]

But people don't like balloons as a hobby. You can't do anything cool with them.

[wizzardly]

Well now that's not true. You can take them places, and they float. Here, I've even seen them twisted into animal shapes before. Plus, hobbies don't really have to not be boring, you know. I happen to think boredom is its own reward.

[fayzedandconfused]

[ Pffffft. ]

Wait, no no no, wait. You're telling me you like being bored?

Voice

[mammal_robot]

Shouldn't you be in school? I swear I remember hearing that young imports still had to go to school.

[wizzardly]

Wha - well, yes, yes, I do! [Rincewind seems vaguely aware that he might be being made fun of, and he crosses his arms petulantly.] Boredom is fantastic, all right, it's just most people are spoiled with so much of it that they can never appreciate it.

video;

[fayzedandconfused]

Maybe I don't believe in school.

[mammal_robot]

That's ridiculous, how are you going to get anywhere in life without an education?

[fayzedandconfused]

I hate being bored.

[fayzedandconfused]

I learn by doing!

[ That's legit, right? ]

[wizzardly]

[this. This is the trouble with youth, in Rincewind's opinion.]

You'll outgrow that. ...Probably. With any luck. Or else you'll become some traveling adventurer or barbarian, I suppose, but it's really not as glamorous a life as they make it out to be, you know. There's no lavatory paper in deep forests or caves, for one thing. People never think of that.

[fayzedandconfused]

Dude, trust me, I know all about that. I'm not stupid.

[ Well... okay, that's debatable. But she does know how to survive without TP, gross as that is. ]

[video]

[helladoomed]

[Chloe just looks so amused. At least the kid is making some progress here...]

Superhero-for-hire, huh?