MARCH 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 10TH, 2016

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING
As seen in Washington Beltway newspapers via press release:
The NSA reports a pronounced pattern of imPorts who are disgruntled by President Freemason's patriotic attack on a Soviet ally. There will be a congressional hearing to determine if anything ought to be done in a legislative reaction, or not.

SHE'S BEEN CALLED A SUPERWOMAN
As seen originally on BlueTube, with news media outlets reporting in reference:
Downtown Heropa got quite the scare when an imPort later identified as Maria Posada bodily shielded Manolo Sanchez, a fellow imPort and budding musician, from getting crushed by an oncoming bus. Thanks to her impressive, superhuman strength, the two were unharmed. Although no charges will be filed, the incident still garnered attention after a video captured by an onlooker went viral. Certain fans on Rumblr and other imPort-related forums are charmed by the pair, and hope to see more from them in the future!

CARLMANIA
As seen on BlueTube:
A post made by Carl Grimes (teenage heartthrob, imPort, and USSR survivor) made his second post on Bluetube, thanking American citizens for helping out in the imPort rebellion against the Soviet occupation. He came up with an idea for a bonfire to burn all the Soviet propaganda forced upon imPorts and to the American people. There is some criticism on the youth's harsh language and vulgar gestures.

However, rumors are circulating on Carl Grimes' mysterious wound, even though he barely goes into detail about it.

RUNNING ON EMPTY
As seen reported in international news and major national newspapers:
The Washington Think Tank American Intelligence Counsel held a conference of diplomatic and social scientific experts on imPort behavior. This topic has been rising in popular insider discussion, and imPorts have proven themselves to be an explicably formidable force. As one conference goer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said: "The strategic terrain of what to do next is not on any map, but rather the keys lies between that of imPort ears." The three-day conference begins March 10th and concludes March 12th in Washington, D.C.

SOFTBALL WITH CHRIS MATTHEWS
As heard on public radio:
Springtime is breaking pretty in De Chima and Maurtia Falls! With Daylight Savings just around the corner, many residents are thinking about outdoor pastimes. De Chima local Christina Matthews has petitioned the idea of both cities forming their own softball teams -- and imPorts are welcomed! Matthews said that given what both cities have recently been through, she thinks this would be a good bonding exercise for imPorts and locals alike. After all, they have more in common than not, and who doesn't like a little softball? Matthews has since been gauging interest through social media.

SOMEONE CALL MCCARTHY
As seen through BlueTube, local and national news stations, and discussed on Bwitter:
A statement from the imPort Ambassador of Nonah.

Statement as follows:

"I am not too proud to say that I am very pleased and grateful for the action of the brave citizens of Nonah and the other ImPort cities, who have shown that they are made of the Iron Stuff that will pull on the rungs of the Iron Curtain, bringing it down once and for all. In the time where others might have blinked, you brave Americans stared your invaders right in the eye and made them blink. It is an honour to live among your number.

I am grateful too for the brave men and women of the armed forces that helped rout the last of the Reds in our need.

But I am dismayed by one thing. It keeps me from the proper joy that our liberation should bring. Debrecen.

As Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of my world, I was asked to make some pretty tough decisions. I will even go so far as to say some of them would damn me to hell. I understand, deeply, what thinking that brought President Freemason to make her decision. I do not believe she took it lightly or out of ignorance. But I cannot ignore the great deal of collateral damage caused by the action. Hungarian children, nor indeed, many of their mothers and fathers, are not responsible for the actions of a misguided few scientists and their Russian masters.

It would no doubt be of grim and little comfort to the survivors of Debrecen, but I offer my condolences for the suffering you've endured in our name."

RUSSIAN IN WITH YOUR OPINION
As seen on the 24-hour national news cycle and in brief on the international news cycle:
"Russia has always had a very strong counterintelligence capability," reports ex-CIA Director Lucas Schwab. "So it is little wonder why President Freemason is rejecting calls for severe economic sanctions and is instead pursuing aggressive, offensive tactics. Remember that the presidential cabinet was infiltrated. Russia knew what we knew, and then misled us. Remember what happened to the imPort cities. You cannot afford to forget -- Russia will not let you."

Stay tuned, citizens.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from COMRADE RED, which is a fake color and will be ceremoniously stricken from the record, to CAPITALISTIC GREEN, because that's how it trickles down.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[deadtective]

Shows what you know about softball. The more brutal you were the faster they'd bump you up to the top.

[helpline]

Shows what you know about softball. That's rugby!

[deadtective]

Rugby shmugby. Play a couple games with some high school age American girls. They'll fucking eat you alive.

[helpline]

Speaking from experience, I take it?

[deadtective]

You don't win your state championship by being nice.

[helpline]

Now I want to see a picture of little Hazel in a softball uniform. I'll even hang it on the refrigerator.

[deadtective]

I wasn't little!!! For fuck's sake it was a couple years ago!

[helpline]

Did you wear your hair in pigtails? I hope you wore it in pigtails, wouldn't that be cute?

[deadtective]

Are you even listening? I looked almost exactly the fuck same!!

[helpline]

Tiny little Hazel with her hair in pigtails. I bet all the boys pulled them on the playground.

[deadtective]

You're having one of those goddamn twilight episodes again, aren't you. I can say whatever the hell I want and you'll just keep fucking going.

[helpline]

Sorry, can't hear you, I'm still stuck on the idea of tiny pigtailed Hazel in her school uniform.

[deadtective]

Have you ever fucking looked at me? You couldn't get any serious pigtails out of my hair.

[helpline]

Because you cut it. Baby Hazel probably had hair long enough for pigtails.

[ HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW TO HAVE A CONSTANT STREAM OF BULLSHIT AIMED AT YOU, HUH HAZEL ]

[deadtective]

Fucking stop it right now or I'm going to start spewing bullshit at you and sell it to one of these fucking tabloids.

[when in doubt, escalate. and try to turn a profit.]

[helpline]

You'd look adorable.

[ bring it, homegirl ]

[deadtective]

I'm illustrating them.

[THERE WILL BE REGRETS]

[helpline]

Did your world have scrunchies? You'd look cute in scrunchies.

[ BATTLE OF THE BULLSHIT ]

[deadtective]

I'm gonna come up with the most dumbass design for you goddamn imaginary spaceship.

[DING DING START OF ROUND ONE]

[helpline]

Did you have to wear a plaid uniform skirt? I bet you probably did.

[deadtective]

You're gonna have a huge forehead and those big ugly eyes like all the 1950s illustrations.

[helpline]

And knee socks. If we're going for cliched grade school, you have to have the knee socks. High school Hazel with the pigtails, scrunchies, plaid, and knee socks.

[deadtective]

Oh, and maybe I can do a bit about you getting trapped in a fucking port-a-potty because you don't understand anything about earth. That'd be pretty fun.

[helpline]

I imagine you'd be the pitcher, you certainly know how to throw well.

[deadtective]

Catcher, actually. You'd be amazed the kind of bullshit you can get away with saying when you've got a mask on.