maskormenace | [ Voice ]

[ Sasaki will be using audio for this because it's much easier when you can't see his face. ] ... I think I'm done running from the elephant in the room.

Three years ago, SS rated ghoul Ken Kaneki was captured by the CCG and lost his memories. And from that, I came to existence. I'm legally a human, but not biologically, and I have no memories beyond the three years I've lived. [ so yes. Haise is technically Kaneki ] I know that this body is Kaneki's, and I know that Kaneki is somewhere inside my head I don't really remember anything about Kaneki's life; I don't know who his mother is, I don't know how he met his little sister, and I don't know what he felt when he woke up after being turned into an artificial ghoul.

But ever since I stepped out of the Porter, I know everything that Kaneki felt and lived while in this world. I know the people he met here and matter to him, I know his sadness and his loneliness, I know his happiness and I know his feelings. It's as if these are my memories, even though I'm not Kaneki. I'm not; I'm just... a dream. With two years worth of memories.

[ there is a moment of silence as sasaki tries to gather his thoughts ]

I know Kaneki will slowly take over, and with time all of the memories will return and I will no longer be Sasaki. I will be replaced with the real thing. And yet, I really want to exist. I don't want to fade away, that's why- it was really scary when I arrived here, when I looked at your faces, everytime you called me Kaneki, everytime you expected him.

I still can't tell you what is happening. It's a mess. [ he sighs, defeated ] About that night when Kaneki went crazy and attacked people- I remember it all as if I was the one doing it, so I want to apologize. I'll be visiting the native victims, and the imPorts he hurt and attacked, I'm terribly sorry for what has happened. And the person who triggered that whole mayhem- [ sasaki isn't going to say the name; he knows who it is ] We are going to talk.

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... I don't know.

But if he remembers the bad things he went through... then, it's a possibility that he still won't be able to handle them.

There must be something we can do to help.

[ sasaki doesn't know. Wanting to die, wanting to fade away, having PTSD flashbacks at every corner, being tortured, seeing his world crumble... how can someone help about that? ]

... you are a good friend, Sasha.

Oh, ah...

[ She didn't expect to hear that. ]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to do much then. And that I almost shot my arrows, too...

No, I think you did a lot, actually.

Really?

You managed to stop him.

I...

[ It somehow doesn't feel as if she's "saved" him, though. ]

... I don't like having to fight my friends.

Sometimes it's necessary. Kaneki didn't want to do any of that, so it's a good thing you helped to stop him.

He won't be mad?

He was thankful.

Even if...

[ She hesitates, looking a bit nauseated. ]

Friends aren't supposed to hurt each other, you know? But it seems lately...

.. Lately? What happened? [ besides kaneki ]

Um...

[ She should probably be telling Kaneki this himself, but he's not here now and Haise is. Still, she owes him the truth about his friends from her world. ]

Reiner is your— Ken's friend, isn't he?

[ sasaki goes silent, clearly surprised. now that's a name he hasn't heard in ages ]

... yes...

-why?

Um, it's...

[ Shit... shit, she shouldn't have brought it up. She can't backtrack, though. Instead, she frets inwardly and outwardly on how to explain to Haise that someone he cared about is probably dead by her hands and others. ]

Reiner is — we were... w-we didn't have a choice.

[ what? What?

Sasaki is there, staring at the screen and he feels like his heart is going to drop. Until there is a real sharp pain behind his eyes and he can only clutch to his own head with a pained sound .

Reiner's dead.

Reiner's dead. ]

S-sorry- I'm-

[ what does he even say?! ]

[ This was a mistake, she realizes. Panic is already setting in, her palms sweaty and shoulders tensing. ]

I-I am... I am so sorry, Ke— H-Haise. I wanted to tell him the truth, b-but...

[ How exactly do you tell someone you killed their friend? ]

No- I-

[ it hurts, it hurts real bad. Sasaki coughs out another pained sound and quickly reaches for his communicator. ]

It's not your fault, Sasha-

[ he hears Kaneki inside his mind. he hears hims creaming and he hears himself, his head is such a huge mess and it feels like it'll split in two ]

He told me- it could happen, I'm-

I'm sorry, I can't do this right now- [ he needs to turn the communicator off or she will see him screaming in pain ]

I'm so sorry.

[ She feared this, the pain she would inflict others that cared about Reiner, but also the overwhelming guilt that had been stewing in her stomach, now rising into her chest and desperate to claw its way out.

Suddenly, her throat locks up and her voice is hoarse and desperate: ]

I-I didn't want it to be like this...!

It's not- your fault-

[ it's hard to speak ]

Thank you for telling me, i'm-

I'm sorry, I can't- anymore- I'll talk to you later-

Haise...

[ She doesn't know what else to say, to make it better.

Because she can't. What they've done is unforgivable, even if there was no choice in the matter. There's nothing she can say to make anyone feel better, herself included. ]

I can't-

[ not now. later on he will talk to Sasha. But right now, he turns off the communicator. ]

[ Voice ]

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