maskormenace | [ Voice ]

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[ Voice ]

[ Sasaki will be using audio for this because it's much easier when you can't see his face. ] ... I think I'm done running from the elephant in the room.

Three years ago, SS rated ghoul Ken Kaneki was captured by the CCG and lost his memories. And from that, I came to existence. I'm legally a human, but not biologically, and I have no memories beyond the three years I've lived. [ so yes. Haise is technically Kaneki ] I know that this body is Kaneki's, and I know that Kaneki is somewhere inside my head I don't really remember anything about Kaneki's life; I don't know who his mother is, I don't know how he met his little sister, and I don't know what he felt when he woke up after being turned into an artificial ghoul.

But ever since I stepped out of the Porter, I know everything that Kaneki felt and lived while in this world. I know the people he met here and matter to him, I know his sadness and his loneliness, I know his happiness and I know his feelings. It's as if these are my memories, even though I'm not Kaneki. I'm not; I'm just... a dream. With two years worth of memories.

[ there is a moment of silence as sasaki tries to gather his thoughts ]

I know Kaneki will slowly take over, and with time all of the memories will return and I will no longer be Sasaki. I will be replaced with the real thing. And yet, I really want to exist. I don't want to fade away, that's why- it was really scary when I arrived here, when I looked at your faces, everytime you called me Kaneki, everytime you expected him.

I still can't tell you what is happening. It's a mess. [ he sighs, defeated ] About that night when Kaneki went crazy and attacked people- I remember it all as if I was the one doing it, so I want to apologize. I'll be visiting the native victims, and the imPorts he hurt and attacked, I'm terribly sorry for what has happened. And the person who triggered that whole mayhem- [ sasaki isn't going to say the name; he knows who it is ] We are going to talk.

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[ there is a moment of silence again ]

I know you wish to help, but this isn't something people want to talk about. Because this is just the tip. What you know about Kaneki, it's not even half of it.

You mean well, I know. But once you understand, you can't go back. [ and he will wish he didn't know ]

[Jaime thinks, momentarily, to what he's heard of. Of Armin's torture (I think he wanted to do things to me), of Killua's childhood (they poisoned me every day to build up my tolerance), of Shinji and Ken's suicidal feelings, of Minato's desire not to die, of Bart's world (all we are is meat), and thinks to himself, do I regret hearing any of that? Do I want to go back?

He's quiet for a moment and confesses, voice honest,] I've heard a lot of stuff. I haven't regretted any of it yet.

[ there is silence yet again.

And Sasaki turns this to private ]

Kaneki was mentally ill. After everything he went through, his mind started to break. He hallucinated all the time, he had PTSD, strong feelings of paranoia and many things triggered him into psychotic episodes. He was strongly suicidal to the point when he learned here that he was going to disappear and I would take his place, he actually became better. He always lived with the idea "it's alright if I die" and that became easily"I want to die".

[ Sasaki sighs softly. ] I'm afraid I will become like that the more I remember. I'm not suicidal, Jaime. The person I was before was.

I'm sorry, Sasaki. I know... the idea of going to that must be awful.

[It's better than he had expected, somehow, but sadder. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that someone who's been driven to eat human flesh would suffer from feelings of worthlessness and suicide, but that doesn't diminish the tragedy of it in any way. There are good people who feel this way, good people who feel this way for reasons Jaime can understand. And he can understand this one. It's reflected in his voice, sad but far from emotional. Instead, he's very, very calm.]

...have you ever thought of seeing someone for it? Like, a professional? Not an imPort. Someone else.

[ kaneki's suicidal thoughts weren't because of becoming a ghoul. when he still had black hair, when he was "pure", certainly depression had already creeped in, and feelings of self-hatred were there, but not wanting to die. that begun after his torture. and after he realized he did everything wrong. ]

How can I? What can even a professional do? I'd tell them about ghouls and it'd feel like it came out of a book, to them; I tell them about kaneki losing his memories and me emerging from him, and that sounds surreal. even I think it's surreal.

We live through things that no one can understand. Even some of them I don't understand myself...!

[ sasaki's voice cracks a bit ] My own father he- Arima-san put two spears through kaneki's brain. I have sent Kaneki's little sister to prison so she'll be disposed of in a month. Kaneki killed his own best friend and lover and I'm the one feeling like everything is ending for it...!

How can I?!

[All of this is slightly -- well, no. It's much worse than the other bit, which Jaime is better equipped to deal with, but he's glad, for now, that this is on voice. Even though there's distress in Sasaki's voice, Sasaki doesn't have to see the expression on Jaime's, and he's gotten pretty good at keeping his voice quiet and calm when he needs to. And now... he thinks he needs to.

That part about Kaneki's little sister stings, though. What will Kaneki do when he remembers? What will he do to himself? No, no thinking about that yet; they have to solve the problem in front of them.]

I'm sorry. That you both had to go through stuff like that. [He's rubbing at his own forehead too, thinking ouch.] I know there's not a lot any therapist could recognize in there, but maybe there's something. Even if it's not dealing with... with what happened, there's, um -- they call it risk management. Even if the causes are different, managing it might be at least a little similar. To have something to lean back on, when it gets bad. And with all of this you're dealing with... I think it will.

[He wishes he could tell Sasaki it was going to be okay, but it's not. He's got a journey ahead of him, and it's longer than most of Jaime's friends' journeys, but it's possible. It has to be.]

[ this is exactly why he didn't want to dump it on jaime. Because it's not just being suicidal; it's all of that which made him so. And Sasaki doesn't even remember half of those things and most of them he only knows because Kaneki mentioned them to someone here in this world; when Sasaki actually remembers the torture kaneki went through, when he actually remembers killing Hide, when he remembers Rize, when he remembers Kanou, then what will happen?

It's a lot and it's scary, and he didn't want to force any of that into Jaime's lap. In fact, if not even a professional would know what to do, why is he dumping it all on jaime, anyway? It's unfair to him. Even if he says he is an adult and can handle things.

He can't. Not any of this. ]

... I'm sorry. Jaime, this isn't something you should be listening to. It's not something you understand; I don't understand it, either, so- [ so it's unfair. Sasaki doesn't even know what he expected to tell anyone about this, he honestly doesn't. it won't make a difference. ]

It will be alright, somehow.

Of course I don't understand it. Nobody from this world would. But it's not like I'm having a freak attack at you, am I? [Jaime's voice is as calm as it was before, though a little wry when it comes down to it. With this guy, it's one step forward and two steps back, isn't it?]

You don't have to decide what I should or shouldn't be listening to.

[ oh he has no idea. Sasaki is a huge coward, too, so it doesn't help at all ]

Yeah- just need to decide what to tell a psychiatrist; not too much or they might lock me up for being crazy. [ and sasaki says it like he is joking, but he really isn't. ]

People know our lives are different. Our files have been leaked about five hundred times; they know our lives aren't like theirs. And the government will have a file on you that proves that what you're saying is right. I mean, I don't blame you for not wanting to share all of it, but I wouldn't worry so much about that part.

[ Sasaki smiles a little, even if jaime can't see it. he is not going to a psychiatrist. ]

I know, the government can vouch for what kaneki has lived. [ but Kaneki hallucinated, had break downs - he was dangerous. ] Our files haven't been leaked in a while, I'm surprised. [ that was a offhand comment, really, nothing to muse over. ]

... Kaneki was forced to admit he was a ghoul because of that. After he was killed by Suzuya-san - who is actually a good friend of mine back home. [ everything is such a mess. ]

A lot of bad things happened because of the leaks. And they will again, if it happens again -- we just have to hope that it won't.

[He didn't know Kaneki had been killed, but the things coming out of Sasaki's mouth are coming as less and less of a surprise -- besides, imPorts have a nasty habit of killing each other, around here. It's not as if he even knows who Suzuya is.]

They would know about you -- that happening to Kaneki too. Isn't that just the proof you need that they won't lock you up? I mean, they don't lock any of us up. Even the ones that should be.

[ he hums again ]

I'm not going to a psychiatrist, Jaime.

I've a probation officer- [ who is a Sith Lord, but no one knows that ok ], I do meditation and I sketch. I keep myself busy every change I got and I don't think too hard. I do what I'm told and what I'm meant to do.

It's a good way to live. [ without remembering things that can turn him suicidal again ]

Talking about this... you don't sound happy, Sasaki. It's up to you. I'm glad that you have those things to do and all, but -- well, even if you don't wanna talk to me - [and clearly, he doesn't] - I hope there's someone out there close enough to you that you can.

[ now he feels a bit guilty ]

... it's not that I don't want to talk to you. I just don't know how. And what parts to talk about. And I'm-

[ scared. terrified. ]

It's not easy.

I know it's not. It's... look, I've had friends before who were suicidal. Plenty of them, actually.

[It's common, around these parts.]

And when they decided that it was easier on everyone else to just hold it in, that it was too hard to talk about --

[He remembers Ken sitting there afterwards, so small.]

It doesn't end well, man.

... I'm not suicidal, Jaime.

[ this is so complicated. Sasaki sighs softly ] I mean, not right now. I don't know if I will.

Kaneki was. Maybe because he couldn't handle the things he lived through, he couldn't handle the things he has seen and he has done. If I remember them, I might wish for- [ for death? A beat follows before he continues ]

Maybe I will turn like Kaneki when I remember everything.

But I really want to live. Which makes all of this unfair- Kaneki wanted to die, and I want to live. And yet I'm the one who will disappear and he will be returning someday. [ ~~Sasaki, you really should stop seeing yourself as a separate entity from kaneki ]~~

[Jaime does what he usually does when something uncomfortable crops up: blithely ignores it as if it doesn't exist. Because what Sasaki's saying sounds an awful lot like Sasaki feeling that he deserves life more than Kaneki, even though they're the same person, gaining the same memories, and... god, what a mess. So instead, he focuses on what he feels like he can.]

Suicidal or not, you still got plenty to deal with. And I don't think -- people who have those... feelings, they don't feel it all the time. It comes and it goes. [That's what Shinji said, isn't it? Just not in so many words, trying to explain to Jaime how he could be laughing with him one minute, and spiral downwards the next.] You don't gotta wait for it to get to that point to need to talk about it.

[ it's a bit of self-preservation though. Sasaki feels like he is fading away and wants to hold on to his life a bit longer. Scared people don't always say the right things ]

Kaneki felt it all the time. [ it's spoken softly. Sasaki has learned a lot about Kaneki and even if he is scared, he feels a lot of sympathy for him. But at the same time, kaneki can't deal with living. ]

... alright. I'll talk about it. [ not to a psychiatrist, though. he is sticking to that. ]

You did say you weren't him. But if you become a little more like him... I'm his friend too. I'm glad, though. That you'll at least talk about it to someone. That's not so weird, is it? We all need someone to talk to.

[ it's really weird. ]

... yeah.

Thank you, Jaime.

...you're welcome.

[What else can he say? A little of the wind goes out of his sails. He did his best. What happens next is up to Sasaki.]

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