Entry #004 | Video

[quaerit]

[ Here is Gansey, looking a little strange. He’s wearing a navy-blue sweater emblazoned with a raven – an Aglionby school sweater, over what appears to be ordinary clothes. His shoulders and hair are damp, like he’s been rained on, and he looks strangely pale. Despite that, he’s displaying a welcoming smile, and his hazel eyes are bright and vital with some emotion he’s holding back. ]

Apparently, I vanished yesterday.

I say apparently because it feels more like several weeks ago, but according to this – [ he holds up one of De Chima’s daily newspapers – a tabloid, headlined with speculation about the upcoming import elections ] – it’s only been a day.

A lot can happen in a day. Sometimes things that give you perspective.

Can I ask – the school year is almost over. Some of you will be graduating. I will. Which is odd, because I was here for eight months, and then I went home and it was Fall again, and Senior year was just beginning. I’m not completely sure what age I am now. I turned eighteen a couple of months ago.

[ Which, he actually never mentioned. It had seemed like there were more important things to be getting along with, and the thought of getting older in the wrong world had annoyed Gansey anyway. He’d kept quiet. Now, if he could do that over again, he thinks he’d celebrate it more – even though he’s only mentioning it now because it’s relevant to this. ]

Then I go home, and I’m seventeen again, so now I don’t even know what counts. Graduation will, though, I know that much.

So: to everyone else who’s graduating. Or even if you’re not, even if it’s just that you see change coming for you. What are your plans? Will you work, will you travel? What would you like to do, ideally? I think I’m ready for it to be summer again.

Private to: Billy Kaplan, Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch, Noah Czerny, Matthew Lynch

[ This part goes to everyone’s private inboxes. Gansey’s smile is less presidential here, but his eyes are even sharper. He seems energized, like he’s on the edge of something. His voice is trying not to sound like it. ]

Hey, everyone. I very much hope I didn’t worry you. I think I was mid-conversation with you, Billy. I’ll have to blame my rudeness on the Porter.

Listen, I’m on my way home. Could someone bring the car and pick me up? I’m getting pizza from that Italian place near the porter in De Chima. I’m absolutely famished.

I’d…like to know if anyone else vanished, too. Ronan, Adam?

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[quaerit]

[ Gansey feels time slipping around him.

It's not the first time, though it has more meaning now than it ever did before. He imagines he's back in that moment, as if that moment is every moment -

He takes a breath, smiles at Noah. ]

You know what I did. You've always known, haven't you?

There was never any other way.

[admemoriam]

[He tucks his knees up onto his bed. In the dim light, his eyes look too dark. He may be alive now, bounding off his own energy, but Noah is still an otherworldly thing. They can never forget.

One nod, hesitant and gentle. His voice is soft.]

Everything happens at once. Our whole lives... You never realize it, then.

[quaerit]

[ Noah is a boy who is a ghost, and here, he's a ghost in a living body.

He looks more ghost than boy right now, though. And he's still more alive than Gansey has ever known him in their own world. There was a time when he'd been so sure he could have saved Noah, but that was never going to happen.

Noah saved him, instead. Noah always saves him. ]

I do.

Sometimes. It takes me by surprise, and I used to think it was because I died.

Now I think it's because of Cabeswater. I think it's because I lived. Noah, I'm so sorry.

[ For the decay. For being too late. For all of it. ]

[admemoriam]

[Noah shakes his head. No one owes him anything, but least of all Gansey. If Noah's chance at a life had to go to anyone else, he's glad it was this ridiculous, brilliant boy in front of him.]

I had my life, Gansey. It was over, years ago.

[He sees that now, outside the endless ebb and flow of time, with his head finally clear.]

I didn't want you to throw yours away.

[quaerit]

[ It was, and Gansey knows it. He'd seen what was left, everything that Noah had been hiding. The shell that the demon had exploited, and turned Noah against his own.

Gansey remembers the guilt that Noah had shown him, here. Guilt he had never seen at home, because it was too late, always too late. He hadn't deserved that, either. ]

I won't. I promise you. This is the first time in years that I've felt it wasn't chasing me.

Do you think you can do the same? Now that you're here.

[admemoriam]

[Noah's satisfied with the promise. If he's going to be gone from Gansey's life, one day in the near future, he can at least go with confidence and peace that he his life wasn't traded in vain.]

That's my plan, for as long as they give me. [He sniffs, trying to keep his face steady.] I think it's almost over, back home. Even before the demon.

[quaerit]

[ Gansey looks away. He can't say Noah is wrong, because he knows that he's not. He's seen behind his mask.

And beyond that, he's barely seen any sign of Noah in weeks. ]

I don't want it to be.

But I know that you can't stay like that. I know it wouldn't be fair. I just don't want to let you go.

[admemoriam]

I know. I don't want to leave any of you.

[He hopes he'll be able to say goodbye, when it happens. He wishes he could hold each of their hands and make sure they know how important they are, how vital. But it will just have to be here, in the silences between their jokes and misadventures, that he imprints those farewells. It's a strange duality, this place - a second chance, and a last call.]

... It means a lot that you offered to use the favor for me. Even if it wouldn't have worked.

[quaerit]

[ It wouldn't have. There hadn't been enough vitality left for that.

It would've been like in the tomb. Gansey has seen Noah's bones. He knows there isn't enough left to wish that body back to life. Just like there hadn't been enough to bring back Glendower.

That thought brings with it a wave of grief that Gansey finds it hard to hold back. He's gained so much and lost so much, in one night. It's a lot to get his head around. And he knows, somehow, that this is another part of it. That he won't see Noah again, not in their own world. ]

Even magic has its limits. I know that now. Even I can't force what's not meant to be. I'm glad the porter gave you what we couldn't. Our world is not all there is. At least there's that.

[admemoriam]

[A calm nod. His face is still and quiet; he feels strangely at peace.]

Is it okay if... If I leave you with some letters? Just in case it sends me back.

[quaerit]

[ Gansey's heart wrenches. He hadn't expected that at all, and it shows in his voice, which comes out with difficulty now. ]

Yes.

Yes, of course, I can do that. You've been dealing with this all by yourself. I wish you'd said something.

[admemoriam]

You were troubled with enough.

[And he didn't want to see them sad, not when they were so welcome and trusting. But it feels more certain to him now than ever - he won't be going home to much more than a fraying thread. This is it.]

You still are, all of you.

[quaerit]

And you’re not?

[ That doesn’t seem fair. Just because Noah’s a ghost doesn’t mean he’s not afraid. If Gansey were in his position, he would be afraid.

Be afraid and happy, Henry had said. Gansey thinks of it now. ]

I’m not so troubled that I don’t care about the rest of you. That’s always going to include you, Noah. You’re not on your own.

[admemoriam]

[Noah doesn't feel like he's worth the trouble. He was dead long before any of his friends even saw his face. But he knows Gansey, and he loves Gansey, and it would be a dishonor to him to so readily throw away his own worth. He has to at least try.]

... I know. I know that, now. [Or he's trying to.] Thank you. For everything.

[quaerit]

You don't have to say that.

[ Noah has nothing to thank Gansey for. All of that is the other way around.

He's just glad that his friend has another chance at life, even if it's only while he's here. ]

I'm glad you're here. If the demon comes back, Noah, we'll deal with it. I'm not going to let it take you again.

[admemoriam]

[A nice sentiment, but Noah will always say it anyway. It's thanks to Gansey that he found such real, loving friends, even in the afterlife, and he can't forget that, he doesn't want to forget that.]

I'm glad, too. I want to stay here for as long as I can.