Only crabs will do [video]

[momentaryspring]

[The screen filled first with a blurry image of someone's neck. Then, in jerky fashion, the face of a teenager who was in dire need of a haircut appeared. ...good lord was that a leopard print headband? Hard to tell as the wet, bristly nose of a dog pressed up against the camera and left a print.]

We made it, girl! At long last --

SAN FRANCISCO!

[Ryoga lifted the camera out of the dog's way, displaying the brilliant hues of a sunset blocked off against a large double-decker suspension bridge spanning a shimmering body of water. It was... not the Bay Bridge. Or rather, it was the Bay Bridge, but not the one Ryoga was apparently convinced it was.]

Look at that beautiful marvel of modern engineering! Funny, though. I mean, I always thought the Pacific was... bluer? It looks kind of dirty.

Hello, Heropa 31! Sorry to worry you, but it looks like we're managing just fine! Ha ha ha! Maybe we should find an In-N-Out. Americans love hamburgers, right?

[The dog, some sort of medium-sized Spitz, barked in response.]

Comments

Video;

[asoothingvoice]

[Oh boy.]

I hate to break it to you, but that's not San Francisco.

[momentaryspring]

What?

[A quick look around. Evvvverything seemed to be in order though I mean how many giant double decker bridges could America possibly have]

Oh, am I on the Oakland side?

[Video]

[monge]

[And then there was another dog. Komasan has no idea what a San Francisco is, but he sure is glad this guy found it. Good for him.]

Yay, you did it, zura! Don't forget to take a lot of pictures, zuraa~!

[asoothingvoice]

No, as in, that isn't California at all. I'm not sure where you are, but it's probably not the west coast.

[momentaryspring]

[What? What was that, a cat? Some kind of evil spirit? At least it seemed... friendly?]

Er... of course! I bought a disposable camera [hi hello the 90s are calling] and everything! It's got about 15 shots left -- I thought I could snap some sea lions. Maybe Golden Gate Park.

Say, you don't know what kind of souvenirs they're famous for around here, do you?

[monge]

Lions live in the sea, zura? Oh, ah... [Right, focus. Gotta focus.] ...n-no, sorry, I'm still learning about cities, zura.

[It's a city, right? That's what he's gathered so far. Hooray for learning.]

B-But you can always get a soft cream, zura!

[momentaryspring]

Not California? Then what do you call this?

[He raised his hand to the camera. There was a medium sized crab currently clinging to one finger by its pincers. Just hanging out. Swinging around.]

See? A Dungeness crab! I was going to have some shipped back.

[momentaryspring]

I suppose so. But it's not something I can send in the mail, and carrying it back by hand is totally out of the question.

[Imagine. Months-old soft serve.]

I'd like it to be something thoughtful -- maybe a handicraft. Something that really shows I care.

[monge]

Oh, I see, like a measuring cup, zura!

[That's...not even a handcraft, but okay.]

I'm sure if you look really hard, you can find a monge~ gift for— Ah... I-Is it a gift, zura?

[momentaryspring]

Wh-what? Of course it's a gift! It's a souvenir!

[arrrgh what was that even supposed to mean, anyway? Was this cat IMPLYING something?]

[monge]

You can buy souvenirs for yourself, zura.

[Oh gosh, maybe he didn't know that... Does...does he not treat himself? How awful, poor guy.]

But in that case, you should totally get a birdhouse, zura! Nothing shows you care more than buying a house for a little homeless bird, zura.

[momentaryspring]

I don't really buy them for myself.

Are San Franciscan birdhouses a thing? I had no idea.

[asoothingvoice]

Are you sure...? Is that even the right color?

[She's from the desert, seafood isn't exactly in her usual expertise.]

That's probably not good for your finger either.

[momentaryspring]

Why? What color are they supposed to be?

[He swung the crab around his finger and flung it into the ocean, wheeee it was probably fine. That crab was going to live a long, happy life with a big crab family. The dog barked at it as it hit the water.]

In any case, you don't need to worry about me. It'll take more than a slightly-shrimpy crustacean to take me down.

[maybe a giant crustacean]

video;

[lasthugs]

Well, that is the Bay Bridge, but that's the one in Maryland and I don't think you'll find an In'n'Outs. Maybe you can find a Four Guys though.

[momentaryspring]

What? Where the heck is Merrlan? I was certain I hadn't crossed the border...

[monge]

Sure, sure, there's birds there, right, zura?

[He has absolutely no idea.]

[momentaryspring]

Look, you overgrown plush toy, keep your brain off food for two seconds and come up with a serious answer.

A good souvenir is thoughtful and representative of the area you're visiting. I refuse to be that cad that comes back with an I ♥ T-shirt!

video;

[hasitsthorns]

So, uhm. Nice try. Really. A for effort, buddy, but-

That's not San Francisco. It's still pretty though! And I mean... Pacific, Atlantic, they're both oceans. Close enough.

[momentaryspring]

What? Don't be ridiculous, it took me days to get here!

[Excuse him while he grabs some dude in a baseball cap. ]

You there, isn't that the Bay Bridge?

["Yeah, buddy," the guys says, looking mildly weirded out. "Not jumping in that water, are you? You're gonna hold up traffic." 'Water' comes out more like 'wudder', somehow.]

[asoothingvoice]

I don't really know, I don't exactly see live seafood that often.

I'm more concerned about how lost you are. I'm pretty sure these have a GPS setting on them.

[hasitsthorns]

[ Excuse her as she laughs at his boldness. That poor stranger, he seems so frazzled... ]

Unnnnnfortunately for you, there's two Bay Bridges in America! One in San Francisco and one in Maryland.

Sorry. Americans are weird like that, I guess.

[monge]

[Birdhouses aren't a food...are they? Humans can be so weird sometimes...]

Um, okay...what about...ah...a snow globe, zura!

[momentaryspring]

Never heard of it.

["Hey," says the man, "Who you talkin' to? Your girlfriend?"]

NO. This is none of your business!

[The phone veered about as Ryoga tried to move the phone from the man's line of sight.

"You should tell her to come over. You ever tried crabs?"]

Listen, I don't want any crabs!

[momentaryspring]

A snow globe. From California. Are you mocking me?

This is the last time I ask a cat for advice!

[damn cats always haunting maidens and demanding they get married]