Only crabs will do [video]

[momentaryspring]

[The screen filled first with a blurry image of someone's neck. Then, in jerky fashion, the face of a teenager who was in dire need of a haircut appeared. ...good lord was that a leopard print headband? Hard to tell as the wet, bristly nose of a dog pressed up against the camera and left a print.]

We made it, girl! At long last --

SAN FRANCISCO!

[Ryoga lifted the camera out of the dog's way, displaying the brilliant hues of a sunset blocked off against a large double-decker suspension bridge spanning a shimmering body of water. It was... not the Bay Bridge. Or rather, it was the Bay Bridge, but not the one Ryoga was apparently convinced it was.]

Look at that beautiful marvel of modern engineering! Funny, though. I mean, I always thought the Pacific was... bluer? It looks kind of dirty.

Hello, Heropa 31! Sorry to worry you, but it looks like we're managing just fine! Ha ha ha! Maybe we should find an In-N-Out. Americans love hamburgers, right?

[The dog, some sort of medium-sized Spitz, barked in response.]

Comments

Video;

[asoothingvoice]

[Oh boy.]

I hate to break it to you, but that's not San Francisco.

[momentaryspring]

What?

[A quick look around. Evvvverything seemed to be in order though I mean how many giant double decker bridges could America possibly have]

Oh, am I on the Oakland side?

[asoothingvoice]

No, as in, that isn't California at all. I'm not sure where you are, but it's probably not the west coast.

[momentaryspring]

Not California? Then what do you call this?

[He raised his hand to the camera. There was a medium sized crab currently clinging to one finger by its pincers. Just hanging out. Swinging around.]

See? A Dungeness crab! I was going to have some shipped back.

[asoothingvoice]

Are you sure...? Is that even the right color?

[She's from the desert, seafood isn't exactly in her usual expertise.]

That's probably not good for your finger either.

[Video]

[monge]

[And then there was another dog. Komasan has no idea what a San Francisco is, but he sure is glad this guy found it. Good for him.]

Yay, you did it, zura! Don't forget to take a lot of pictures, zuraa~!

[momentaryspring]

[What? What was that, a cat? Some kind of evil spirit? At least it seemed... friendly?]

Er... of course! I bought a disposable camera [hi hello the 90s are calling] and everything! It's got about 15 shots left -- I thought I could snap some sea lions. Maybe Golden Gate Park.

Say, you don't know what kind of souvenirs they're famous for around here, do you?

[monge]

Lions live in the sea, zura? Oh, ah... [Right, focus. Gotta focus.] ...n-no, sorry, I'm still learning about cities, zura.

[It's a city, right? That's what he's gathered so far. Hooray for learning.]

B-But you can always get a soft cream, zura!

[momentaryspring]

I suppose so. But it's not something I can send in the mail, and carrying it back by hand is totally out of the question.

[Imagine. Months-old soft serve.]

I'd like it to be something thoughtful -- maybe a handicraft. Something that really shows I care.

video;

[lasthugs]

Well, that is the Bay Bridge, but that's the one in Maryland and I don't think you'll find an In'n'Outs. Maybe you can find a Four Guys though.

[momentaryspring]

What? Where the heck is Merrlan? I was certain I hadn't crossed the border...

[lasthugs]

Mary-land, [she says, a little more slowly.]

It's in America, still on the east coast. You're on the opposite side of the country from California.

[momentaryspring]

I've never heard of it. What else is on the East Coast? New York, right?

video;

[hasitsthorns]

So, uhm. Nice try. Really. A for effort, buddy, but-

That's not San Francisco. It's still pretty though! And I mean... Pacific, Atlantic, they're both oceans. Close enough.

[momentaryspring]

What? Don't be ridiculous, it took me days to get here!

[Excuse him while he grabs some dude in a baseball cap. ]

You there, isn't that the Bay Bridge?

["Yeah, buddy," the guys says, looking mildly weirded out. "Not jumping in that water, are you? You're gonna hold up traffic." 'Water' comes out more like 'wudder', somehow.]

[hasitsthorns]

[ Excuse her as she laughs at his boldness. That poor stranger, he seems so frazzled... ]

Unnnnnfortunately for you, there's two Bay Bridges in America! One in San Francisco and one in Maryland.

Sorry. Americans are weird like that, I guess.

[momentaryspring]

Never heard of it.

["Hey," says the man, "Who you talkin' to? Your girlfriend?"]

NO. This is none of your business!

[The phone veered about as Ryoga tried to move the phone from the man's line of sight.

"You should tell her to come over. You ever tried crabs?"]

Listen, I don't want any crabs!

video

[performance]

... Well, the good news is, that is an ocean!

[momentaryspring]

Bay.

[performance]

Some kind of large body of salt water.

[momentaryspring]

[Ryoga didn't really answer or anything, he just sort of waited a second or two in case this was the start of a sales pitch or an offer to participate in a martial arts trivia bowl.]

Video

[unbreaker]

[Wow. That's...this guy sure is something.]

Hey man, don't let these people steer your wrong. They're totally fucking with you. You're definitely in San Francisco.

[It's not cruel to let a newbie wander around in the wrong direction, is it? Certainly not as cruel as the guy's sense of fashion, anyway!]

The hell you wanna be there for anyway, though? I mean, if you're supposed to be living in Heropa...that's kind of a long ways off.

[momentaryspring]

Huh? Of course I am.

[unless he wasn't, which really wouldn't be all that surprising tbh.]

I figured it would be a good place to pick up some souvenirs. Plus there are a lot of Japanese around, so I'm likely to find a good dojo or two.

It's strange, though. I was under the impression that there would be more... surfing.

[unbreaker]

Jeez...you're really new, aren't you? They don't let just anybody surf, and they don't surf around just anybody, either. Not in San Francisco.

[Josuke, please.]

You gotta...you know. [This guy mentioned dojos? He some kinda martial artist? Might explain the bandanna, Josuke decides. But still, that makes him even more outdated! And hopefully more of an easy mark for pranking.] You gotta challenge 'em if you wanna see 'em surf, pal. In lyrical verse. 'Cause out there the people're pretty protective of their waves, especially around us imPorts.

[momentaryspring]

I see... so it's something you have to work for.

[100% completely buying this story, the life of a surfer must be difficult and filled with hardship and keanu reeves crying as he loses his mortal enemy/bosom friend]

I'll keep that in mind, but I'm not much for singing. Besides, I can't really picture myself on a surfboard.