THE MAJORITY REPORT: AUGUST 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: AUGUST 20TH, 2016

TAKING STOCK
As seen on Tech Blogs, news outlets, Faux News, Grudge Report, SMN Money:
Stock prices fell today when the official word is in about the new StarkTech app called the "4". After a surge in purchases these past few weeks, surrounding the mysterious new product, but after a few testers released scathing reviews of the app's functionality, it looks as if the surge of new clients may be over for the Import Tech Giant. The testing website StarkWatch reported that the app was "...altogether disappointing..." and "...had no real functionality changes from your average calendar application."

When provided this information, some StarkTech diehards echoed the company line, which was that it's going to be used for futher hardware upgrades later, but we have to ask ourselves: why didn't wait until the inevitable upgrades, then?

SOME LIKE IT HOT
As seen on national news:
As temperature records shatter across the nation in an unusually hot heatwave, certain corners of the internet and talk radio are targeting imPorts as the cause. Ronald Chump has been quoted, from his Bwitter accounts, suggesting that if imPorts are the reason for "hot temps rising then maybe we need to use 'em for energy source. Smart idea! We'd save bigly!"

BASICALLY JUST NERDS FLIRTING
As seen on PAGE SIX ad section of major published newspapers:
.... . .-.. .-.. --- --..-- / -.. --- -.-. - --- .-. .-.-.- / -.-- --- ..- / .- .-. . / .. -. / --- ..- .-. / ... .. --. .... - ... .-.-.-

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
As seen on national news:
General criminal trends have seen a downturn drop in De Chima, Nonah, and Maurtia Falls. The decrease in reported crime has been in part attributed to the successful imPort Ambassadorships of those respective cities. Public opinion among local residents is at an all-time high of 87% (collectively, when polled across the three cities). This may well be a golden era for imPort Ambassadors!

PUSS IN BUCKS
As seen on Rumblr, Deddit, TMI magazine, and celebrity gossip blogs:
Deddit user "kittygalore", who claims to be a disgruntled insider of Ronald Chump's branding circle, has said that Chump has designs on Kitty Jones and her public persona.

"Chump is practically in love," writes kittygalore. "He seeks to market and conquer a new property. That's orgasmic to him."

True or false, the trend of interest in imPort personalities has skyrocketed over the past few weeks. With the apparent exportation of Lucifer, more advertising companies are sweating the reality that imPorts can be a temporary, and highly popular, commodity. The demand is immediate, and market watchers predict that soon companies will start reaching out for individual imPort sponsorships.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from VERY WORRIED BERRY to CAUTIOUS PATRIOTISM because fans have been thrilled over the sporting imPorts of this August Swearing In! But you never know what lies in wait shortly after fun events.

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Comments

[helpline]

Why'd I be see-through? That's stupid, I don't understand the point you're trying to make.

[deadtective]

I was just talking about how old people fade into the background 'cause they're half-dead, dude. Are you sundowning already?

[helpline]

Fading isn't see-through! See-through's see-through. You need to work on your specifics.

[deadtective]

Didn't think your case was that bad, that's all. Just trying to be sensitive and shit.

[helpline]

I'd rather specific than sensitive. Sensitive's stupid.

[ says the person who has cue cards to help in sensitive situations. ]

[deadtective]

Are you kidding? Sensitive lets you get away with all kinds of bullshit and you can keep it vague. Specifics's for losers.

[helpline]

Right, now that's a lie. Apparently when you keep it vague, that means you're "obviously not caring" and "not trying hard enough" and "you're not supposed to say insert-tragedy-here."

[ little air quote hand motions are made with each air quote. ]

[deadtective]

No, see, that's specific. Being a huge dumbass, specifically.

[helpline]

That's something you'd know all about, isn't it?

[deadtective]

You shouldn't talk about Josuke like that where he can see, you'll hurt his feelings.

[helpline]

Funny, I wasn't talking about Josuke in the slightest!

[deadtective]

It's too late to backpedal now, we all know you were dragging him.

[helpline]

I'll be sure to tell him that's what you think.

[deadtective]

Go ahead, he knows I think he's an enormous dipshit. You're not gonna get me to back down like that.

[helpline]

Right, I'm not captain relationship and yet I know you're not supposed to call your boyfriends dipshits.

[deadtective]

He's not my boyfriend. [your one year anniversary is in a couple months, Hazel] And just because he's my friend doesn't mean I'm going to stop telling him he's a dumbass. That's how it is.

[helpline]

Oh, so have you upgraded to fiancee? You should have told me, I'd buy you a present. [ he's so her boyfriend ]

[deadtective]

[THEY'RE NOT DATING GOD JUST LET HER KEEP LYING]

Like he can hang onto money fucking long enough to buy me a ring. Have you seen the price tags on the garbage he wears?

[helpline]

[ GRANDDAD KNOWS ALL ]

Tell him he needs to go ahead and put a ring on it.

[deadtective]

[IF THAT WAS TRUE HE'D WISH HE DIDN'T]

He's not that stupid. No one is that stupid.

[helpline]

Somebody's gonna be that stupid eventually.

[deadtective]

People in vegetative states aren't allowed to make their own decisions anymore, thankfully.

[helpline]

You underestimate human nature!

[deadtective]

I estimate exactly when it comes to human nature on this.

[helpline]

You sure? I'm still thinking underestimate.