THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2016

THIRSTING FOR THAT DICKLE
As seen on BlueTube, general social media, before being picked up by imPort hungry tabloids:
There was a shocking turn of events in Nonah last week when imPort Gabriel Gray, the bachelor of upcoming survival-dating reality TV Show ZomBae, was captured on video apparently delirious and emitting a chaotic explosion of lightning. The video circulated on social media before tabloids reached out for comment. Eye witnesses, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that two assailants in bird masks had fired a weapon at Gray from their car before driving away.

"He threw lightning at them, and then just started losing it," said one witness. "He said something about someone named-- Ellen? Elle? I guess dating shows are really stressful when you put zombies in them." More witnesses confirmed the car's license plate as DICKLE.

Gray could not be reached for comment.

A CASE OF SAME FACE?
As seen on imPort gossip sites and magazines:
Alison Hendrix, Cosima Niehaus, Helena [REDACTED], Rachel Duncan, Sarah Manning, Sarissa Theron—six identical imPorts, all of whom have been spotted multiple times on the Network and in person across the east coast during the past year. These imPorts have been telling the public that they're part of a set of quintuplets who were separated at birth, but anyone who can count to six has discovered a flaw in what seems to be some sort of cover story! Word on the street has suggested everything from superpowers gone haywire to a self-replicating virus to Russian-designed robot spies, but none of the quints—or did we mean sextuplets?—have made an official statement regarding their suspicious behavior.

EX-TRA! EX-TRA!
As seen on TMI:
Cameras were flashing when we saw everyone's favorite power(ed)couple going off somewhere quiet at the monthly Swear-In. However, it seems as though Daisy Johnson and Jesse Pinkman did not come to the Swear-In together. Instead, Daisy Johnson came with a new imPort, Lincoln Campbell. That didn't stop all three of them from talking. Pinkman seemed at ease during the whole conversation while photographs show just how tense Daisy Johnson was. Johnson and Campbell were seen dancing together and were caught holding hands. Later in the evening they left together as well.

With very little information available on Mr. Campbell we are led to believe that there is the possibility he is from Ms. Johnson's home planet.

JUST KISS ALREADY
As seen on the most prominent ad page of every affordable newspaper:
Time After Time
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Now featuring compass watches: it's a watch AND a compass!
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Buy watches!
One location in Heropa, go to the website for more information.
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NUCLEAR MOM
As seen on MeTube, Rumblr, BlueTube:
Bianca Reyes verbally GRINDING down a grocery store jerk and embarrassing her son! See her in action! Momtastic action!

IN TRUE AC-KORD-ANCE
As seen on all major national news outlets and major tech and automotive magazines and blogs:
After months of R&D, Starrware's Ted Kord has announced the launch of the company's newest and most innovative tech, Solar Technology Overlay Paneling. The technology combines Starrware's goal for environmentally-friendly technology with the popular hover engine technology, and uses a camouflage honeycomb solar paneling that allows engines to to draw energy from the sun, storing up to 250 hours of driving time per charge. The solar paneling can cover as much or as little of the vehicle as desired, blends in nicely with any color your vehicle comes in, and works on any size hover engine, from motorized bicycles to buses used for public transportation.

At Starrware's press conference this week, Mr. Kord announced that they have already begun production through General Motors and Ford, and expect to launch with Chrysler later in the month, with the first STOP cars expected to feature heavily in the 2017 lines for all three manufacturers. He has assured the press that Starrware will keep the production and distribution American, a move which has already driven Starrware's stock prices up as customer interest has spiked.

When asked for comment, Karen Starr, Starrware founder and CEO, and Ben Goldberg, co-CEO, replied "We at Starrware are exceptionally proud of Mr. Kord's talents and work with us, and are excited to see where this breakthrough will lead as we have no doubts this what will help further our goals and encourage others to look to greener solutions as well."

RENN FAIRE IS COMING
As seen in circulating ads:
Volunteer actors needed for the Renaissance Faire at the Maria-Francis foundation/September swear-in. No experience is necessary, training and costumes will be provided. All applicants considered, minors will need a guardian's signature!

A highlight in September will be a Renaissance festival being held to celebrate the opening of the Marie-Francis Foundation!

This will be an opportunity for the Foundation to express its gratitude to the imPorts and natives who helped construct its new headquarters, as well as an opportunity to welcome new imPorts at their Swearing-in.

The festival organizers are currently looking for any local imPort businesses that would be interested in having a booth at the festival, as well as participants for costume and character contests! There will be food, games, costumes and more at the festival and anyone with questions is welcome to contact the Foundation directly.

Whether people have a booth or choose to participate with a costume, the Foundation hopes everybody will come and enjoy a finally celebration of summer and welcome to fall!

TRULY PIE-OUS IMPORTS!
As seen on local Heropa news sites and papers, as well as pictures and videos from the event itself popping up on all major social media:
Local Heropan charitable organization, Helping Hands, Open Hearts, reports that their recent fundraiser spearheaded by imPorts Hartley Rathaway and M, "imPie an imPort", was a huge success. Over the course of the afternoon, imPorts and native citizens alike raised a shocking $4,254 in pie sales, standalone donations, and pie-in-the-face donations. HHOH founders Franklin and Susanne MacDonald say that the funds raised will do a lot to help with the construction of the new homeless shelter and resource center, but they will continue to accept donations. Their website has more information on how and where to donate, as well as photos and video clips from the event.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CAUTIOUS PATRIOTISM to PUMPKIN SPICE ORANGE because Moonbux is a proud partner of the NSA and the DHS. Make sure to sign up for a Moonbux card, your tenth coffee is free!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[morethan084]

Great. Awesome. Really reporting the important stuff.

video;

[coppelganger]

Yeah, I've got an official statement right here. Piss off.

not here shhhh

[oddbod]

[Clara's watching you.

She's watching all of you.

Points at eyes, points at you.]

[private]

[schwanengesang]

Tactful as always. Glad to see somethings don't change.

[ She hangs up right after saying this. Rachel is petty and trying to get back for Sarah ending that call that way? Nooo. ]

[morethan084]

I mean...

[coppelganger]

What?

[morethan084]

It's kind of weird.

video;

[helpline]

You didn't happen to do anything particularly noble with regards to someone's personal timeline, have you?

[ because yeah, he's dealt with weird lookalikes before in canon and that was the answer. ]

permavideo;

[coppelganger]

No. Whatever that means.

[helpline]

That's good! [ said with a griiiiin. ]

One of you probably grew up near a temporal rift, by the way. That's the answer.

video

[monster_san]

Oh my, well done, Mrs. Reyes! I need to learn how to do that.

[SHE WAS NOT ABLE TO MAKE THE MAN GO AWAY WITHOUT A FIGHT so Fuu is v impressed.]

video

[asoothingvoice]

[She was vaguely aware she was being recorded at the time but she was really trying to ignore it. Whoops.]

Practice.

Sometimes you just have to not let the other person take control of the situation.

[monster_san]

Yes, deferential persuasion just doesn't work all the time... some people are just too well-armed against good sense.

[asoothingvoice]

You'd be surprised at how well being firm works.

[And yelling. Yelling also works. More people are taken off guard when they're not used to it and expect to get through life with bluster and force.]

[hostage]

Oh, come on.

[This is literally the dumbest shit.]

Totes not here

[morethan084]

[Same bro.]

Video;

[pyrogue]

Those pies brought in the dough, huh? Congratulations. [ And he gives an earnest grin. ]

So, are the colours ever normal? 'Cause at this point I'd be more surprised if it just said "orange". And less thirsty.

video

[khajidont]

Oh my god.

[That's honestly his only response to this whole affair. Why is his mom a meme.]

[deadkord]

[ Jaime's bewildered embarrassment in the video is enough to distract Ted from his own exciting headlines, and he's laughing. ]

You know, your mother should consider putting in a resume with the Justice League when she gets home. I'd put good money on her talking down Darkseid without a single casualty.

[khajidont]

Ted! You have new tech stuff out! That's neat!

[Says Jaime with the sort of exaggerated, manic brightness that's saying please, let's talk about literally anything else.]

[deadkord]

Jaime, please! I've been talking about that in press conferences all week. I'd much rather talk about this!

[ Sorry about your idol, Jaime. ]

video

[asoothingvoice]

[She doesn't get it either.]

Lo siento, Jaime.

video

[khajidont]

You've been here for, like, two minutes! How are you already a meme?! I think I've seen gifs of you on Rumblr!

[Jaime, wailing does not suit you.]

[asoothingvoice]

A what? What's a meme?

[She has a better idea of the Internet than Berto, but it doesn't mean she knows all of this stuff.]

It's not my fault these people are weird.

video

[schwanengesang]

Yes, because we definitely seem like "robot spies".

[ It's said in such a deadpan way you might just believe it, but very slight head shake and eyebrow raise would suggest otherwise. ]

Unless we're being officially questioned I doubt there's any need for an explanation.