( audio )

[douchebag]

[ Felix gets right to the point, sounding a bit exasperated. ]

Does anybody here know anything about pets?

[ Pets is a very broad category with vastly different answers depending on the animal involved. But those are nitpicky details that happen to other people. People who have had pets before and know how to take care of living things. Not a killer like Felix who can barely take care of himself properly. ]

Like, what keeps them happy and healthy and whatever? Maybe how to make them stop destroying your shit? Or—

[ His attention shifts rather abruptly away from what he's doing. ]

Hey! No! Don't you dare, that's mine!

[ The sounds of a brief scuffle can be heard: some rustling cloth, a bit of cursing, and a low rumbling, almost rusty growl. A moment later, Felix adds, disgruntled; ]

Mostly that last one. Also how to teach these assholes boundaries.

Comments

[driftsintobuffetline]

I know a lot about a lot of animals. What kind are we talking? Please tell me you have something cool like a mini dinosaur. But getting them to not destroy shit is really a matter of training.

[douchebag]

I—

[ Wait. ]

Mini dinosaurs? There are dinosaurs here?

[ Fuck. He wants a dinosaur. ]

[classification]

[ He's minding his own business. Really. The only thing he requested was Felix do this elsewhere so he wasn't part of it by any stretch. Locus doesn't like being on the network if he can help it. Of course, he should've known something was going to happen the moment Felix got up from where they'd been sitting. Because things always happen.

It'd taken roughly eleven and three-quarters seconds before Leon ambled over and up and stretched languorously over the vacated couch cushion and Locus' lap. He didn't really mind. Much. ...Well, he didn't mess up the paperwork he's trying to deal with in regards to Certain Things. That's more than he can say for other people. Or animals. Or whatever.

He sighs, heavily once Felix is done, one hand resting at the back of Leon's neck and only moving with intermittent strokes. Locus doesn't even look up, but there's a twitch to one brow as it arcs while he scrolls through trying to find something on his device. ]

The seat was free. It doesn't belong to you.

[douchebag]

[ And because he's working on his listening skills as per their agreement, Felix did make his request in such a way that Locus didn't show up on camera. He's being considerate. Which is more than he can say for Leon, the traitorous bastard.

The device is turned off now, dropped onto the coffee table for the moment to combat the furred menace. The furred menace who is, to Felix's mind, looking entirely too smug laying there all over Locus, getting himself petted. ]

I was coming back! [ Leave it to Locus to defend Leon. Felix scowls, stomping over and glowering at both of them. ] And both of you knew it!

[ Leon yawns in a way that's wholly threatening. Felix jabs a finger at him. ]

You're sleeping in the kitchen tonight. Don't think you're not.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Well, not anymore. But there were. Ripley liked to gnaw the legs off Claire's kitchen chairs.

I DO have a mini dragon, though. But what's your pet? Come on, man. Share with the class!

[douchebag]

How do you have a dragon?

[ He feels so cheated. This is the last time he drunkenly acquires an animal. ]

Mine's not that cool. Where do I get a dragon?

[driftsintobuffetline]

I can't tell you. I mean, I'd like to tell you, but it was sort of gifted to me, sort of a rescue, kind of both of those, and I'm not really sure I should tell you anything else. Because if you can't handle what you've got, you really shouldn't have something that survives by burning things.

No, but what DO you have? Is it like some nightmarish Boston Terrier that's just...eating all your slippers or what?

[classification]

[ Felix has been listening better. It's something Locus appreciates and, to be a little honest, is surprised about. It's unexpected but wholly welcome. Can't argue the good things.

This cat is now part of the.... team now. So, Locus is attempting to get along with him. The more he protests the more his slacks get shredded or—once—his skin. Leon knows not to do that again. And it's not the most offensive thing to just make nice with a huge cat. There are worse things.

So. He still doesn't make any effort to force Leon to move and begins reading an article he found in the depths of cyberspace. He sniffs, completely nonchalant; ]

Do you think that's wise? All the cabinets and appliances in there... [ HUGE potential for a mess ] You'll let him out. He has no boundaries because you don't train him or stick with punishments.

[douchebag]

Fair. I mean, maybe I survive by burning things. And I can handle me okay.

But okay, sure. It's like a big demonic bear.

[ It's actually not, but a dragon's hard to beat. He has to try to be somewhat impressive here. ]

[douchebag]

[ No, it's not wise. Locus barely gets through making his point and already visions of chaos—broken dishes, chewed cabinets, and chairs in pieces—fill his mind. Leon's a shit and even though Felix hauled a log into the spare room earlier for the asshole to scratch at, he still likes to tear stuff up.

Huffing, Felix puts his hands on his hips and glares. He knows what Locus is doing. ]

How do you punish a cat? Every time I yell at him he just ignores me. Like you. [ Moving to Locus' side of the couch, he leans over and pokes at the device that's proving more interesting than him. ] You've been teaching him to do that, haven't you?

[classification]

[ The only time Locus really ignores Felix is when he goes on a long-winded rant about something stupid and his arguments and points are circular. Locus is free to tune him out at will and knows when he checks back in he'll have gotten the general gist of whatever is pissing him off. Just because he feigns he's ignoring him often doesn't mean that he really is. Over the years he knew it got under Felix's skin, that's why he did it.

Does it.

Even Locus can be a little petty from time to time.

He exhales a slow breath at the poke, his finger skidding across the screen so he loses his place ( rude ) and before he can do anything Leon stretches a paw out and makes a swipe at Felix.

Locus is not—he repeats: not—getting in the middle of another literal cat-fight. He snaps the device off and tosses it onto the coffee table. ]

I've taught him nothing. Yelling, which I think you'd know, never solves anything. [ After all the years they've yelled at each other and never got anywhere by doing it... ] Time, repeition and treats work wonders for training.

[ At least that's what he's heard at the dog grooming place. ]

[douchebag]

[ A grown-ass man should not get into a childish slap fight with a cat. And yet, Leon takes a swipe at him and Felix immediately slaps at that big furry paw. Leon's ears start to flatten in retaliation, prompting Felix to bare his teeth at him. It's the kind of escalation that's going to turn into another full-bodied tussle, but thankfully, it gets interrupted Locus.

The device goes onto the table and Leon's attention tracks toward it. And Felix, feeling as if he's scored a point, sniffs nonchalantly and tips his head sideways to regard Locus. His innocent expression says he has absolutely no idea what Locus is talking about in regards to this yelling never solves anything nonsense.

( He does know. Of course he does. ) ]

Treats, huh? [ There's a gleam in his eye as he says it. Locus really ought to know what's coming next. Felix arches an eyebrow. ] So if that works, how come you just yell at me?

[ Where are his treats? ]

[classification]

[ Of course he knows what's coming. And it's his own fault for walking right into that one. He could say lesson learned, but Felix has a bad habit of making something out of nothing all the time. Even without these kinds of openings. It's just one of those situations where he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

Still, he doesn't show any kind of reaction. Not that he really needs to. His resting face is often pained. Or constipated. Instead he just blinks slowly and there's a twitch to his brow again. HIs tone is rather bland as he leans his arm on the armrest of the couch; ]

Because even with treats you still don't listen.

audio;

[marriedmedium]

Try offering them a martini, darling. Pour it into a little bowl. That certainly always relaxes me.

[SADIE NO]

[douchebag]

Yeah? You can give animals booze?

[ Because he's got plenty of that and that sounds like a great idea. ]

[marriedmedium]

It seems the only humane thing to do, if you ask me.

[douchebag]

Well, all right then. [ He hums. ] You know, it'll probably mellow the bastard out too. Good idea.

[marriedmedium]

You're very welcome. What sort of little friend are you looking after?

[douchebag]

Some kind of hellbeast cat thing. I was maybe drinking too much the night I got it.

[douchebag]

Uh, no. That's an absolute lie.

[ Looking every inch the picture of wounded offense, Felix folds his arms across his chest and rocks back on his heels. Maybe he's being a nuisance, but they've been quietly working for what feels like forever and there's only so much a bored, restless man can take. ]

You have no idea if that's true or not. Because you never give me any.

[ Which is potentially an invitation to start receiving wholly unwanted cat treats. He recognizes this and is quick to follow up his complaint with clarification. ]

And I'm not talking about cat toys. Don't start giving me cat shit.

[marriedmedium]

[Sadie furrows her brow at the notion of 'drinking too much'—it is a foreign concept—but she can still offer advice.]

In that case, I recommend a dry white wine. Sémillon is ideal.

[douchebag]

[ Felix isn't sure what too much either, but he'll get the constipated face of disapproval from Locus if he doesn't try to sound contrite about his overindulgences. ]

I don't think I have any of that on hand, but I will certainly go out first thing in the morning and get some. Maybe two. One for him. One for me.

[marriedmedium]

Where do you live, dear? I can tell you exactly where to go to find some. It's one of my special little powers.

[douchebag]

Oh my God, why don't I have cool powers?

[ It's just not fair. ]

Maurtia Falls. Not too far from the center of the city.

[marriedmedium]

[Sadie closes her eyes, concentrates for a few moments, annnnnd—]

Leonard's Fine Liquors, on Fourth Avenue. He'll have exactly what you need.