( audio )

[douchebag]

[ Felix gets right to the point, sounding a bit exasperated. ]

Does anybody here know anything about pets?

[ Pets is a very broad category with vastly different answers depending on the animal involved. But those are nitpicky details that happen to other people. People who have had pets before and know how to take care of living things. Not a killer like Felix who can barely take care of himself properly. ]

Like, what keeps them happy and healthy and whatever? Maybe how to make them stop destroying your shit? Or—

[ His attention shifts rather abruptly away from what he's doing. ]

Hey! No! Don't you dare, that's mine!

[ The sounds of a brief scuffle can be heard: some rustling cloth, a bit of cursing, and a low rumbling, almost rusty growl. A moment later, Felix adds, disgruntled; ]

Mostly that last one. Also how to teach these assholes boundaries.

Comments

[driftsintobuffetline]

I know a lot about a lot of animals. What kind are we talking? Please tell me you have something cool like a mini dinosaur. But getting them to not destroy shit is really a matter of training.

[douchebag]

I—

[ Wait. ]

Mini dinosaurs? There are dinosaurs here?

[ Fuck. He wants a dinosaur. ]

[driftsintobuffetline]

Well, not anymore. But there were. Ripley liked to gnaw the legs off Claire's kitchen chairs.

I DO have a mini dragon, though. But what's your pet? Come on, man. Share with the class!

[douchebag]

How do you have a dragon?

[ He feels so cheated. This is the last time he drunkenly acquires an animal. ]

Mine's not that cool. Where do I get a dragon?

[driftsintobuffetline]

I can't tell you. I mean, I'd like to tell you, but it was sort of gifted to me, sort of a rescue, kind of both of those, and I'm not really sure I should tell you anything else. Because if you can't handle what you've got, you really shouldn't have something that survives by burning things.

No, but what DO you have? Is it like some nightmarish Boston Terrier that's just...eating all your slippers or what?

[classification]

[ He's minding his own business. Really. The only thing he requested was Felix do this elsewhere so he wasn't part of it by any stretch. Locus doesn't like being on the network if he can help it. Of course, he should've known something was going to happen the moment Felix got up from where they'd been sitting. Because things always happen.

It'd taken roughly eleven and three-quarters seconds before Leon ambled over and up and stretched languorously over the vacated couch cushion and Locus' lap. He didn't really mind. Much. ...Well, he didn't mess up the paperwork he's trying to deal with in regards to Certain Things. That's more than he can say for other people. Or animals. Or whatever.

He sighs, heavily once Felix is done, one hand resting at the back of Leon's neck and only moving with intermittent strokes. Locus doesn't even look up, but there's a twitch to one brow as it arcs while he scrolls through trying to find something on his device. ]

The seat was free. It doesn't belong to you.

[douchebag]

[ And because he's working on his listening skills as per their agreement, Felix did make his request in such a way that Locus didn't show up on camera. He's being considerate. Which is more than he can say for Leon, the traitorous bastard.

The device is turned off now, dropped onto the coffee table for the moment to combat the furred menace. The furred menace who is, to Felix's mind, looking entirely too smug laying there all over Locus, getting himself petted. ]

I was coming back! [ Leave it to Locus to defend Leon. Felix scowls, stomping over and glowering at both of them. ] And both of you knew it!

[ Leon yawns in a way that's wholly threatening. Felix jabs a finger at him. ]

You're sleeping in the kitchen tonight. Don't think you're not.

[classification]

[ Felix has been listening better. It's something Locus appreciates and, to be a little honest, is surprised about. It's unexpected but wholly welcome. Can't argue the good things.

This cat is now part of the.... team now. So, Locus is attempting to get along with him. The more he protests the more his slacks get shredded or—once—his skin. Leon knows not to do that again. And it's not the most offensive thing to just make nice with a huge cat. There are worse things.

So. He still doesn't make any effort to force Leon to move and begins reading an article he found in the depths of cyberspace. He sniffs, completely nonchalant; ]

Do you think that's wise? All the cabinets and appliances in there... [ HUGE potential for a mess ] You'll let him out. He has no boundaries because you don't train him or stick with punishments.

[douchebag]

[ No, it's not wise. Locus barely gets through making his point and already visions of chaos—broken dishes, chewed cabinets, and chairs in pieces—fill his mind. Leon's a shit and even though Felix hauled a log into the spare room earlier for the asshole to scratch at, he still likes to tear stuff up.

Huffing, Felix puts his hands on his hips and glares. He knows what Locus is doing. ]

How do you punish a cat? Every time I yell at him he just ignores me. Like you. [ Moving to Locus' side of the couch, he leans over and pokes at the device that's proving more interesting than him. ] You've been teaching him to do that, haven't you?

audio;

[marriedmedium]

Try offering them a martini, darling. Pour it into a little bowl. That certainly always relaxes me.

[SADIE NO]

[douchebag]

Yeah? You can give animals booze?

[ Because he's got plenty of that and that sounds like a great idea. ]

[marriedmedium]

It seems the only humane thing to do, if you ask me.

[douchebag]

Well, all right then. [ He hums. ] You know, it'll probably mellow the bastard out too. Good idea.

[curled]

[ Oh, Felix, what have you done...? ]

I'll never understand how people enjoy animal companions. [ Mostly because he's always attacked by animals. And he's just going to conveniently ignore the fact he's been getting on just fine with a dog since he got here. ] A friend of mine is rather good with animals. I can ask him for advice and pass it along to you.

[douchebag]

[ It's not always his fault!!! ]

I wouldn't say I enjoy them. This one just sort of showed up one night.

[ But okay, he'll take it. ]

But yeah, look. If he can tell you how to make them listen to you, that'd be great.

[curled]

[ Yeah. Okay, sure. SURE. ]

Of course. Actually, I'm on my way to see him shortly. I will absolutely get back to you after I speak with him. It's near a sure thing he'll know just what to do.

[douchebag]

Thanks, man. I appreciate it. I have to go wrestle him away from my stuff anyway.

VOICE.

[arsiento]

... You train them.

[ With the tone of are you stupid? because sometimes, Diablo is "straightforward" in the way that can also translate to "way harsh" or "rude." ]

Why you got a pet already if you don't know that, man?

[douchebag]

[ Admittedly, that's the kind of tone Felix is used to hearing. Locus uses it on him all the time. ]

I don't know. I woke up one morning and there he was! [ Yet another reason why drunken adventures are a bad idea. ] How do you train them? Because Leon doesn't listen to a damn thing I say.

[arsiento]

[ Oh, good, because that tends to be Diablo's default tone when responding to people. But it's at least not 100% personal. ]

Look, I ain't a dog trainer -- maybe start by reading a book. [ But, after another moment, he adds: ] But especially with dogs, you supposed to show them you the boss, you know? You let him run you, he'll just keep doing whatever he wants.

[douchebag]

[ Books. That requires sitting still long enough to do it. Maybe he can find an audio version. ]

So like, get down on the ground and wrestle them into submission? Because my buddy can just look at the asshole and get him to do shit and I don't know how he does that.

text;

[resoundingpledge]

Fully biological pets, right?

I don't know a lot about them, but there's things in the pet store near the shampoo
spray bottles, I mean
and the labels talk about spraying them on things so they don't taste good anymore.

[douchebag]

Yeah. Are there other kinds of pets?

So you're saying if I get some spray and spray it on all the stuff I don't want him to wreck, he'll stop?

[resoundingpledge]

Mechanical ones. And cyborgs—the imPocreats are like that. Biologically engineered, but programmed, too.

I don't know if it would work for sure, but if it tastes bad enough he probably wouldn't want it in his mouth anymore, right?

It wouldn't help with clawing things, though. Are there claws?

[douchebag]

When you say programmed, do you mean artificial intelligence? Do they have AI for pets here?

I guess. I don't know. Animals make no sense.

There are a LOT of claws.