THE MAJORITY REPORT: JANUARY 10TH, 2017

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JANUARY 10TH, 2017Happy 2017, imPorts!

DASHBOARD CONGRESSIONAL
As seen on national television and ZZZ-SPAN:
In this new year, as a fresh session of Congress begins, the honorable body of legislators wishes a positive and prosperous 2017 to all of America's imPorts. Soon after the pomp and circumstance, a new national security budget will be on the queue to pass -- or stall upon. Depending. Some junior members of the House are in favor of security cuts, citing the very fact that imPorts exist as ample security.

STAFF DEFECTION
As seen in big city newspapers:
Recent and critical employment studies indicate that there are unprecedented shortages in medical staffing, especially regarding professional Nursing jobs.

"I won't lie," said Doctor Ana Collins of Maurtia Falls Mercy Hospital. "It's a very troubling trend that has been building over time. Emergency care sectors are usually understaffed, but we are upon a hiring crisis. Just imagine -- it only takes one national disaster for everyone to feel this impact."

COLD SHOULDER
As seen on national news and heavily Discoursed on Rumblr:
The Canadian city Toronto has instituted a temporary prohibition on any imPorts who might attempt to enter the city limits. Why? "Safety issues" were cited. Contextual note: it is not uncommonly believed, especially outside US borders, that imPorts skyrocket the risk of fatality. "Safety issues" as a reasoning, while vague, fundamentally aligns with this belief.

The US Ambassador to Canada is currently negotiating an end to this ban. The US Press Secretary issued this statement as follows: "ImPorts are members of this global community. They are kind, hardworking, and they are not perpetrators of aggression. We sincerely hope to reach an understanding with our Norther neighbors over what we believe to be a simple miscommunication."

TIER IMPORTS IT'S ME, GOSSIP
As seen on social media, Guzzlefeed, and TIER 1 IMPORTS Magazine:
TIER 1 IMPORTS is looking to run a WHO'S WHO issue in February of imPorts, TOLD by imPorts! HOW DO YOU TAKE PART? It's easy! If you are an imPort, logged into your verified Bwitter account and leave a TESTIMONIAL about other imports in our PUBLIC SUBMISSIONS PAGE. You can be as wordy or succinct as you'd like: spill the whole pot of tea, or just throw in an accurate superlative!

But remember, it'll all be published!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CONSTANTINE LIME to MELLOW, notably an adjective and occasionally a verb, because the future is looking bright and illuminated.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

TIER 1 IMPORTS SUBMISSION PAGE

[maskormods]

BE SURE TO PUT YOUR @BWITTER NAME IN THE SUBJECT

@RISESabriel

[bindsthedead]

Major-General Armstrong has worked tirelessly to ensure the safety of both imPorts and locals. I'm honored to work with her as part of RISE

Kaneda is someone I'm honored to count as a friend- he's smarter than he seems, and someone I'm proud to have worked with.

Magicman was one of the first people I met in this world, and he's one of my dearest friends.

Voice

[kanadian]

Well, this isn't exactly...expected from Canada. [ A beat. ]

It was a while ago, but... I'm pretty sure there's something going on there.

voice

[driftsintobuffetline]

Well, we're coming up on the anniversary of the submarine thing. Still, why RIGHT now, Toronto? And of all places. I mean, I know they're only a couple hours out of Buffalo, but did we have a lot of imPorts hop the border to Toronto specifically when things went to shit all of last year?

voice

[kanadian]

Not even that...

About two years ago, my partner and I went to Europe to dig around in some things. We figured out that... Canada isn't exactly siding with the US these days.

voice

[driftsintobuffetline]

How NOT siding are we talking? Canadians are comrades now?

voice

[kanadian]

I don't know if I would go that far, from what we heard, but... they were certainly sympathetic.

voice

[driftsintobuffetline]

What sorts of evidence did you dig up, anyway?

voice

[kanadian]

Nothing...concrete. Lots of heresay, people talking about Canada defecting....

The kind of thing that can't be proven, but with something like this happening... it makes me wonder.

voice

[driftsintobuffetline]

Yeah, no, it's definitely just all kinds of suspicious and weird timing. Like, it's not a direct reaction to anything. When you say defecting, defecting from what? the UN? NATO?

voice

[kanadian]

Sorry that's -- Where I'm from, Canada is a part of the United North American States.

From the way they sounded, they were in talks with the USSR. It sounded like support, but... I'm just hoping it's not like -- that old thing with...what was it? Cuba?

voice

[driftsintobuffetline]

You mean the Cuban Missile Crisis? Eh...I was going to say 'that'd never happen' but to be honest, I'm not sure. Canada probably kind of side-eyed a ton of the US's choices during and since the Cold War and just fingers-crossed that the US and Russia wouldn't fire on each other because they'd pretty much assure complete mutual destruction...AND take Canada with them.

But the addition of the imPorts changes the game.

voice

[kanadian]

Yeah, it was...over two-hundred years ago? I'm not that great at US history.

Anyway, it's something to consider. I mean, they could be edging that way pretty quick, if we're not careful.

voice

[driftsintobuffetline]

Two-hun--....yeeeah something like that. Circa Kennedy's presidency, I guess. Like 1960s or something.

Suggestions? Because, I have to admit, diplomacy and international relations are just...not my department.

video.

[glowsferatu]

The Press Secretary sounds a bit naive, frankly. If we aren't perpetrators of aggression, I think there's a queendom in England for me to claim. I really can't blame Toronto for being sensible.

video.

[helpline]

[ with SO MUCH SARCASM, ] Don't you see, we're citizens of the world. Just ignore the part where the only Porter's in America.

video.

[glowsferatu]

If this is a global community, it's a toddler's playpen without real supervision. Otherwise someone would have sent so many of them to the corner by now.

video.

[helpline]

You know, that is a valid point. I know that other countries helped out during that hostage business, but I'm honestly surprised more people haven't attempted legal swats on the wrist. Unless, of course, bureaucracy continues to be bureaucracy.

video.

[glowsferatu]

Bureaucracy exists to ensure things are done right. You can forego it, and just do the right thing without all the oversight, but then you have everyone else raising a stink about it, as we have here.

video.

[helpline]

Funny, I thought bureaucracy existed to make things complicated and give me paperwork. Who likes paperwork?

video.

[glowsferatu]

Some of us like paperwork, it's good to have a record that can trace a matter through its entire process, should a problem arise. I have trouble believing you've ever done paperwork before, though. You don't have the temperament for it.

video.

[helpline]

A few of my previous regenerations were a bit less temperamental...but even they didn't like paperwork.

video.

[glowsferatu]

That's the sorry state of the art, isn't it? Too often disparaged and misunderstood to be given any appreciation. But I assure you, it does keep the world going 'round.

video.

[helpline]

Paperwork makes the world go round? What a sorry state of the world, then. [ it's said in a slightly joking tone, though. ]

video.

[glowsferatu]

It doesn't make it go 'round, it keeps it going 'round. Every society needs an infrastructure in place to maintain it, otherwise it would collapse as soon as someone got bored. Keeping records is essential to that infrastructure.