(1) Voice

[outofthepast]

[There’s a few minutes of unsure tapping on the communicator’s microphone, accompanied by some quiet mumbling about radio frequencies. A voice with a Chicagoan accent that is just faintly reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart finally makes itself audible.]

Been a long time since I’ve seen one of these. Hope I’m not accidentally talking through somebody’s refrigerator.

Anyway, good afternoon, to everybody listening. Nick Valentine here. Nice to meet all my fellow "Imports," I guess, is what they're calling us. Figured I should get used to the broadcasting life, since that's what they've hired me to do. I always thought I had a face for radio.

[The slightest of pauses while he gathers his thoughts.]

I’ve been to a couple of hardware stores now and I think it’s time to swallow my pride and just ask. You folks wouldn’t happen to make Assaultron circuit boards yet, would you? Anything with titanium wiring and rad-guard circuits would work, though. My last diagnostics didn't look so good and I'd rather fix it before it gets too out-of-hand.

I’m starting to get the suspicion I’m out of luck on that one.

While I’m on the subject, though, anybody know a good mechanic? I’m not half bad myself, but I could probably use a primer on all this old tech. Don’t want to end up turning into a toaster or anything.

Give me a ring if you’ve got anything for me. Thanks, and... hm. I'd better come up with a catchy sign-off, pretty quick here.

Comments

[aggressiveapathy]

So long as it comes with the free sarcasm. That'd be really fulfilling the ancient prophecy of the break room.

[outofthepast]

Sarcasm's always complimentary with your standard model of Valentine.

[aggressiveapathy]

You're normal where you come from?

[outofthepast]

Not in the least. Almost one-of-a-kind, actually.

They've just never been able to disable the irony unit on me.

[aggressiveapathy]

Good. God, I was, like, freaking that I was hiring some kinda knock-off brand sarcasm appliance. We don't do normal.

[outofthepast]

If you don't do normal, then I might be the man for the job.

[aggressiveapathy]

We only pay in patriotic pride. And whatever you find in the fridge at night.

[outofthepast]

What if I don't actually eat food? Just the pride, then?

[aggressiveapathy]

Are you or are you not a giant toaster.

[outofthepast]

The term is "synth." So depending on your philosophy, you could say the toaster's a cousin of mine.

[aggressiveapathy]

I don't believe in philosophy. But that sounds more, like, a dead music style or a new drug the kids are doing these days.

[outofthepast]

Well, that's almost a relief, actually.

Not with the kids and the drugs, I mean. Somebody oughta crack down on that.

[aggressiveapathy]

So, okay. Patriotic duty and getting to crack dumb teenagers. Two perks.

[outofthepast]

Sign me up. If this radio gig doesn't work out, you've got yourself a toaster.

[aggressiveapathy]

Can always do both. Sleep is for the weak. And...non-synth? Whatever that is.

[outofthepast]

I guess the more common parlance is "android," from what I've been able to look up around here.

"Really fancy robot" might be another one.

[aggressiveapathy]

Can't be that fancy. You're not even British.

[outofthepast]

Damn. You've got a point. Those nice British Mr. Handys have a one-up on me there.

[aggressiveapathy]

Mr- Never mind. I don't care. Let me introduce you to a law of humanity: pics or it didn't happen.

[outofthepast]

Do these communicator things take pictures, like the old phones used to?

[aggressiveapathy]

You lost the tech to send selfies?

Oh my god. You're from a nightmare. With terrible priorities.

[Switches to video]

These things do everything.

[outofthepast]

You know, kid, I'll do you a favor. I'm gonna go ahead and not elaborate on where, exactly, I'm from.

[It's kinder that way.

Oh hey. A video!]

Well now! That's pretty slick, isn't it?

[aggressiveapathy]

Nightmare realm. Covered.

[She waves a hand, flicking this whole 'his entire life before now' away with a single motion. Such empathy.]

Now press the buttons. You can get it done.

[outofthepast]

I'll figure it out. I'm pretty good with tech, maybe not surprisingly.

Think I'm gonna spare the whole group of us the sight of my ugly mug for the moment, though.

[aggressiveapathy]

So didn't happen. That's the law.

Or you could come for a live interview. I guess.