💣 010 | audio

[devoutish]

[Alfie Solomons is drunk. Not incredibly drunk, mind - more like slightly tipsy. He's feeling extra homesick tonight, and he doesn't feel like going out and doing anything or seeing anybody, but he doesn't feel like sitting around and staring at walls, either. The network is a good place to turn to here, because he can just shut it off when he gets sick of it.

And so tonight, everyone gets this.]

There was once a little village that needed a new synagogue built, and so all the strongest men got together and went off into the mountains to gather stone for its foundation. At the top, they heaved the biggest boulders that they could carry onto their shoulders and started walking back down. When, after many hours, they finally reached the village at the bottom, one of their grandmothers stuck her head out her window and called to her grandson: "Are you stupid, boy? Why didn't you just roll those boulders down the mountain?" The men stopped walking and looked at each other, and then, still carrying the boulders, they turned right around. They climbed that big fuck-off mountain again, and when they reached the top, they rolled the stones down. "She was right," one man said to another. "That was a much better idea."

[He pauses there, signaling the end of the story before he speaks again.]

There's a point to jokes like that. I'm sure it'll be relevant to one or two of you.

[He clears his throat, settling back against the arm of his couch.]

The prankster Hershele Ostropoler goes to peddle goods at the market. A man comes by his stall to have a look at a blank canvas he has on display. "Ah, see this here, this is a very nice painting," Hershele says. "Very valuable; very expensive. It's of the Jews crossing the Red Sea as they flee the Egyptians."

"Ridiculous!" the man says. "Where are the Jews?"

"Well, they've already crossed, haven't they," Hershele says.

"Then where are the Egyptians?"

"They haven't yet arrived."

"And the Red Sea?"

Hershele throws up his hands in frustration. "It's been parted, you idiot; you don't know the fucking story?"

[comment 4 more; he's in a Mood.]

Comments

[trouvaille]

Is it story-time with drunk Uncle Alfie? I like the boulder one. ( no surprise there. )

[devoutish]

Once the new synagogue was built, it was decided that a box would be put in so that money could be collected for the poor. But there were concerns that it would be very easy for thieves to steal money from the box, and so someone came up with the idea to hang it from the ceiling at a great height, far too high for any thief to reach. That idea was a popular one for a few hours, until a villager asked, "How will I put my offering in the box when it's hung so high up?"

Well, everyone thought about that a bit, and they came up with a solution. They would build a staircase up to the box, so that anyone who wanted to contribute could reach.

[aka yes, it is definitely storytime with drunk Uncle Alfie.]

[trouvaille]

I'm following the logic.

[devoutish]

Now - before that, but after the boulders, the men of the village dug a large pit into the ground for the foundation. "What are we gonna do with the dirt we're digging up, once we're done?" one wondered.

"Well," said another, "We'll have to bury it, I think, in a new pit."

That seemed like a good idea to the men, and they dug quietly until the first man had another question. "But what are we gonna do with the dirt we dig up for that?"

The second man thought a moment, but then he came up with an answer. "What we're gonna do is we're going to make a great big pit, and in that pit we'll put all the dirt from this pit we're digging for the synagogue, and all the dirt we'll dig from the pit to bury it in. We'll just need to be sure to make the second pit twice as big."

[trouvaille]

It sounds so reasonable when you put it like that!

[devoutish]

Ah, there's enough for now.

[compressions]

[He laughs a little. It's good to hear some jokes that aren't about poorly-designed user interfaces and badly optimized code, which are the only jokes he really knows.]

That's pretty good. Are you a comedian by trade?

[devoutish]

Only on the weekends.

Two men are out for a walk when suddenly it starts to rain. "Here, you've got an umbrella," says one.

"It's no good, mate, it's full of holes," says the other.

"Then why did you bring it?" cries the first man. "What use is an umbrella with holes when it rains?"

"Well, I didn't know it was gonna rain, did I?"

[audio]

[dr_eldarov]

[Anatoly's laughter is partially muffled by his hands, but he can't shut it off completely.]

That first one, we tell in Russia, too. Usually people will put in the nearest mountain range to them, to try to make it hit home a bit.

I wish I could think of more to add along to this, but my wife was always the funny one in our relationship. And she knew the more inappropriate jokes of the two of us, too. I should have asked her to teach me her wisdom while I had the chance.

[audio]

[devoutish]

Have you heard the one about the man who went fishing, and was slapped in the face with the fish's tail as he was struggling to get it off the hook? He took it to court and the court sentenced it to death by drowning.

[audio]

[dr_eldarov]

[He should not find this as funny as he does, but it's the kind of joke he'd have heard at home and he misses it.]

I think that'd work with the water back in Novosibirsk, [he manages inbetween chuckles.]

[audio]

[devoutish]

Would that be drowning or poisoning?

[audio]

[dr_eldarov]

Poisoning. I am not entirely convinced that the fish that survive in the river that runs through the city aren't some kind of spirit-fish hybrid.

[audio]

[devoutish]

Well, you're better off than us. No fish survive in the Thames.

[glassfall]

[Cinders laughs at the first joke, and looks confused at the second.]

I prefer the first one.

[She also doesn't really get the second, but that's because she's from a world without any of that in particular.]

[devoutish]

The second wouldn't make much sense to most of you, I suppose, but it was always one of my favorites.

[And so that alone had made it worth telling.]

A man is sitting on his front porch watching the day go by, when a farmer with his cart drives past. "Good morning!" calls the man to the farmer. "What have you got in that wagon of yours?"

"Manure," says the farmer.

"And what are you gonna do with all that manure?" says the man.

"I'm gonna go back to my farm and spread it over the fruit," says the farmer.

The man shakes his head. "Mate, I need to have you over to mine for lunch someday. We put sour cream on our fruit. Tastes much better."

[glassfall]

[Cinders laughs at that one, too. It's not as if she's ever had much occasion to tell jokes, except on the rare occasions she sees Tobias. This is exactly the sort of thing he'd do.]

That was a good one!

[devoutish]

A struggling actor goes home to visit his mother and tells her his good news - he's finally been cast in a play.

"Praise God!" she says. "Which role?"

"The role of the husband," he says.

"Oh, my son," she moans. "You couldn't have at least insisted on a speaking role?"

[glassfall]

[Cinders rolls her eyes, but chuckles nonetheless.]

That sounds like my stepmother.

[devoutish]

Have you got any jokes of your own?

audio

[zee_zatara]

I wish I were half this entertaining after a few drinks.

audio

[devoutish]

Do you ever do drunken magic?

[zee_zatara]

I try not to, but everyone makes bad decisions while drinking. And then there are certain rituals that require the participant to just- utterly trip balls, so... [she trails off a moment, there]

Yeah. Yeah, I have done drunken magic. And magic performed while under the influence of other substances.

[devoutish]

And what is "trip balls"?

[Modern slang is hard, Zatanna.]

[zee_zatara]

Oh, right, [she laughs] to trip balls is to take psychoactive substances. Usually plants or mushrooms, in my case. There are certain planes of existence you can access while under their influence.

Buuut most people that do it, that coined the term, were recreational users.