1 💣 VIDEO.

[handycapable]

[ The feed turns on to show a blonde, mustached man in a white dress shirt — the sleeves rolled up to his elbows — and blue tie, currently attempting to juggle holding his communicator, lighting a cigarette, and holding his suit jacket in place (slung over his shoulder) all at once, because these are all clearly equally necessary tasks. When he speaks it's with a twangy Southern accent — recognizable as West Virginian to those who would — seemingly not all that perturbed by his situation. Maybe just slightly inconvenienced, but that's all. ]

So… I guess this is pretty weird, but let's be honest— while I may barely know of any of you, I feel like I can still speak for most of us when I say things could easily be weirder. Personally if anything, I feel like it was only a matter of time before I ended up in some alternate dimension... it's like eventually you just reach that stage in life when everything else crazy's pretty much already happened to you, so all you can say is, "Sure, why not?" Makes perfect sense. [ That might just be sarcasm. Although maybe not? An even mixture, probably. ] But the best part is—

[ This is about the point where Ray proves why it can be dangerous to record yourself and walk, because as he starts to cross the street the video suddenly bounces, his communicator flying as he is struck hard by a car, shattering the windshield before he's tossed off the vehicle with a shriek. Oh, not a car; the screen shortly reveals that it was, in fact, an ambulance. Ray can be heard yelling, cursing, and making all sorts of noise as then the ambulance bumps over something -- maybe the curb or maybe Ray himself -- as it moves to pull over. Audio somewhat muffled, he shouts after it: ]

Jeezus! Y'all call that driving?! [ Then, pained and more to himself: ] Dukes. Well that's gotta be some kinda record. But maybe pain's a good sign in this case... okay--

[ He groans from still-mostly-off-screen, straining as he tries to determine if he can still move his legs, let alone get up. ]

Oh, wow, they still work!

[ After Ray's gotten back up to his feet he reaches for his communicator again with his singularly gloved hand, looking surprisingly pleased for a man who was just in a traffic accident. And whose face is bleeding and lacerated by glass, some shards still stuck in it. In the background: sirens, so he's gonna walk... as quickly as he can away from the crash site. ]

All good! I'm good, it’s all good, just a little— [ He cracks his back, hissing in mild discomfort, then exhaling in harsh relief. ] Whew. That's better. Boy though, could that have been ugly… especially since that ambulance sure isn't going anywhere in a hurry now. Some welcome wagon.

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

[Sarcastically:] Oh yes, he's a regular Helper.

[handycapable]

[ What does that mean... ]

Well, if you got some dirt for me then by all means, spill. I hate to be the only one out of the loop.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Well, if you like irritable and emotionally volatile middle-aged former prodigies stuck in a stasis of father issues, Rusty might be a decent choice in social connection.

[handycapable]

Do I like 'em? No. But that does also describe practically everybody I know in some form or another, so... to me that just kinda seems like the default now. Maybe I've built up some sort of a tolerance.

[slightlyoffchilt]

This is perhaps the saddest thing I have heard all day.

And I work at a mental health facility.

[handycapable]

It cannot possibly be. This world is full of people who fit that description-- or at least 75% of it!

[slightlyoffchilt]

No, no, I think you really won this round.

Congratulations.

[handycapable]

Goddamn it, no I didn't! [ He exhales sharply. ] Meaning what, even? What'd I win?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh, um. No one ever really asks that question...

[Well now he feels like a dick.]

A drink? On me?

[handycapable]

[ Oh, now that feels like a legitimate victory. Of... some kind. A bit more chipperly, he says: ]

Oh, well in that case sure, why not? I could use a drink after the day I've had.

Where're we going?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Where are you located? Which city, I mean.

[handycapable]

The one in Florida, but I know my way around a little.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh, unfortunate. You might want to consider relocating.

[handycapable]

... Why, what's wrong with it? [ A beat. ] Yeah, it is Florida, but I can't say some of the others sound like a major improvement. I mean, North Carolina?

[musclemothers]

Oh, for the love of -- really? That's what you do now? You smear my name to new imPorts just because you're too petty to admit how jealous you are of my superior intellect?

And you, blondie, you just up and believe him? After I tried to help you? I'm hurt!

[handycapable]

I--! Uh... [ Busted. ] Well, I never said that I believed him! When did I say that?!

And it's Ray.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Amazing how you can so severely mispronounce inferior. What university did you attend, again?

Because it was not Harvard.

[musclemothers]

Oh, please. Namedrop all the fancy schools you like, but the fact remains that you majored in the arts. You talk for a living. I create.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You create social media. And talking, helpful toasters -- if I can even credit you with that much.

I create people.

-- And it's a doctorate, MD. Medical.

[musclemothers]

Just because I don't use my inventions in dick measuring contests doesn't mean they don't exist! I keep telling you, Helper isn't even one of mine. Besides, you create people? Really? I can't figure out whether that's more pretentious, offensive, or delusional.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Maybe it's none of the above.

[Or in other words: answer D. His favorite.]

Anyway, you cannot blame me for wanting to warn the newcomer. You are a hellfire of a person sometimes, Rusty.

[musclemothers]

Huh! A hellfire of a person! Me! What have I done to offend you so, exactly? Beyond hurting your feelings.

...the whole clone ordeal doesn't count, for the record.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Wait, and why shouldn't the clone ordeal count? You inspired certain actions!

[musclemothers]

I inspired nothing! I was a victim of crimes against science and morality! I suffered!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Goodness, you whip out the victim complex quite quickly, don't you?