maskormenace | 1 💣 VIDEO.

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[ The feed turns on to show a blonde, mustached man in a white dress shirt — the sleeves rolled up to his elbows — and blue tie, currently attempting to juggle holding his communicator, lighting a cigarette, and holding his suit jacket in place (slung over his shoulder) all at once, because these are all clearly equally necessary tasks. When he speaks it's with a twangy Southern accent — recognizable as West Virginian to those who would — seemingly not all that perturbed by his situation. Maybe just slightly inconvenienced, but that's all. ]

So… I guess this is pretty weird, but let's be honest— while I may barely know of any of you, I feel like I can still speak for most of us when I say things could easily be weirder. Personally if anything, I feel like it was only a matter of time before I ended up in some alternate dimension... it's like eventually you just reach that stage in life when everything else crazy's pretty much already happened to you, so all you can say is, "Sure, why not?" Makes perfect sense. [ That might just be sarcasm. Although maybe not? An even mixture, probably. ] But the best part is—

[ This is about the point where Ray proves why it can be dangerous to record yourself and walk, because as he starts to cross the street the video suddenly bounces, his communicator flying as he is struck hard by a car, shattering the windshield before he's tossed off the vehicle with a shriek. Oh, not a car; the screen shortly reveals that it was, in fact, an ambulance. Ray can be heard yelling, cursing, and making all sorts of noise as then the ambulance bumps over something -- maybe the curb or maybe Ray himself -- as it moves to pull over. Audio somewhat muffled, he shouts after it: ]

Jeezus! Y'all call that driving?! [ Then, pained and more to himself: ] Dukes. Well that's gotta be some kinda record. But maybe pain's a good sign in this case... okay--

[ He groans from still-mostly-off-screen, straining as he tries to determine if he can still move his legs, let alone get up. ]

Oh, wow, they still work!

[ After Ray's gotten back up to his feet he reaches for his communicator again with his singularly gloved hand, looking surprisingly pleased for a man who was just in a traffic accident. And whose face is bleeding and lacerated by glass, some shards still stuck in it. In the background: sirens, so he's gonna walk... as quickly as he can away from the crash site. ]

All good! I'm good, it’s all good, just a little— [ He cracks his back, hissing in mild discomfort, then exhaling in harsh relief. ] Whew. That's better. Boy though, could that have been ugly… especially since that ambulance sure isn't going anywhere in a hurry now. Some welcome wagon.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yikes. [ A comical wince, eyebrows contorted, lips peeled back. ]

Well, hey, at least you made it through okay. The people too, right? [ Seriously. It's an ambulance. ]

I can't quite see it from this angle...

Yeah. Mmhm.

[ What more can he really say about it? Ray returns Mitch's wince with a weak, strained smile, but then looks briefly over his shoulder. Then back to the communicator. ]

Well I don't know. I'd certainly hope so, but-- [ Since it's a little bit his fault and all. ] What am I supposed to do about it? I'm sure as hell not going back there.

I dunno, help them up? You're a pedestrian -- a hearty pedestrian -- but it's not like you were in another vehicle or anything.

[ A beat. ] Or you know, walk away, I guess.

I just can't encourage that as the right course of action. Just seems like a shitty thing to do.

[ Ray looks vaguely incredulous. ]

Excuse me, I was just run over by an ambulance... the simple fact that I lived doesn't exactly make me hearty.

And for God sakes, it's an ambulance, it's literally full of medical supplies! Right there! And a radio to call another one if this one won't drive! What the hell do I have to offer?!

Mmm, fair.

Let's just say that I have a keen interest in... promoting the whole good Samaritan thing, and since I'm not there -- I can only... gently encourage you to do certain things.

[ AKA He won't say cut and run, but if you do... ]

But you bring up a fair point. The paramedics will likely do the heavy lifting, so you'll be off the hook. [ A beat. ] As long as nobody dies.

And normally I might agree with you. [ Emphasis on "might," though. ] If I had just been passing by, but I think literally being the victim of the hit-and-run that caused the accident in the first place absolves me from needing to get any further involved.

But if anybody dies, I can just include that in the lawsuit. [ He pauses. ] Well, if there is one.

[ Because Ray's only going to bother suing if it seems like he'll actually get some recompense for it; otherwise it's a waste of time. ]

Fair, fair. [ A beat. ] Turn a single into a class-action against shitty drivers?

Guess it could work. It's not like you'd be in the wrong.

Honestly, I'm still a little stunned by your luck. You're a really lucky guy. [ Hah ]

Ehhhh, well... I dunno about a class-action, mostly I just think it'd constitute as more proof of gross negligence. I don't really think this thing oughta get too big.

[ It's already feeling so complicated, but if there's money in it... well, gotta try, right? ]

Hah. [ A sharp, bitter bark of a laugh. ] Don't I know it. And you don't even know the half of it-- honestly I'm just grateful to still be in one piece.

That bad?

[ A snort. ]

What, you have bad luck, or something?

Nnnno, not usually... it's more like I just keep bad company.

[ Ray sighs. He's tempted to rant about Archer now, but decides better of it... for now... ]

But come on, is it really that weird for me to be glad I'm not dead or paralyzed?! I mean, I feel like that's pretty reasonable.

Not all that weird, no.

Just seems like there's a pretty big story behind that.

A story? Um... no. What makes you say that? Why would there have to be a story?

Well... not many people can say they're just glad to be in one piece without there being an incident attached, but...

Hey, I won't pry. I've been there.

Well first of all, I doubt that. And second of all, of course they can-- it's just called having perspective, which is totally and completely normal. Plus they say it's supposed to be better for you, so...

Alright, alright. I'll take your word on that one. [ In other words: bullshit but he won't pry. ]

If only most people had your perspective.

Tell me about it. [ He clicks his tongue. ] But it's not really that uncommon-- people just tend to apply it according to their own experience. Whereas this happens to be sort of a dramatic example.

That's true.

Then again, pulling people completely out of their comfort zones generally tends to be a good test for how they... react to such a dramatic experience. Really speaks to the measure of a man, you know?

In that case, my whole damn life's been a test... Hell, I think I've spent more of it being pulled outside my comfort zone than I ever did in one in the first place.

[ A beat. Wait, was he being complimented just now? ]

Um... but thank you! If-- I mean, I get what you're trying to say. I think.

[ A half-laugh. No story, huh? ]

You're welcome.

Although now you're making me really curious. You'll have to tell me sometime.

Gee, where to start. Well, I'm a gay man who grew up religious in the South, went into a high-risk profession with people who don't respect me for almost a decade, making me only barely qualified for any other kinda work, and almost all the things I actually used to enjoy doing I can't anymore cuz of injuries sustained on the job.

Probably sounds pretty typical, I know, but anything more than that I'm gonna need a couple of drinks in me first.

That's...pretty shitty.

I've... been injured on the job myself. Do you at least still get to work it? I can sympathize how shit it is.

Well I could before, but not now that I'm right back to square one again, injury or no injury... at least, not for a while. I mean, I'll make due, but y'know how it is-- that's a lotta time lost, and I'm older now, and it's harder when you're older to begin.

[ A scoff. ] Come on. You're not that old.

Or is this a thing where anyone over 25 is going to face an uphill battle?

Yeah, sort of. Even if you forget about somehow proving you actually got the experience in the first place, just putting in the hours to get re-certified alone takes forever. Cumulatively it all adds up pretty fast... I dunno how worth it it is.

Hey, you're talking to a guy who had to re-win a couple of popularity and name-recognition contests.

So, yeah, I can feel you. Do you like 24 hour workdays, or not?

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