THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2017

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2017Acts of forgiveness has softened the imPort image -- in no small part because of the recent spats of violence and aggression directed against imPorts. But many are looking towards the future; excitement is beginning to ripple over the next Swearing-In. Rumor has it none other than Daenerys Targaryen is heading the event.

UNDER THE WEATHER
As seen on local Heropan television:
Newcomer imPort Eddison Tollett made his first sensation on the internet, right on his first day on the job at De Chima Channel Six News! His position as a weatherman led to some very interesting forecasts, while wearing some very heavy winter black clothing.

Some choice moments:

"Early morning you will get fog here. Congratulations on not seeing anything, I guess."

"This coming Sunday there will be rain. Then why bother calling it Sunday, are you trying to make things worst?"

And the ever controversial:

"Monday comes the chance of rain. All the gods like to piss on us all."

And piss they did.

KEN U D33G IT
As seen in celebrity gossip blogs and TMI Magazine:
Love is brewing: boss and employee - secret romance?

To everyone's surprise, imPort Ken Kaneki, known ghoul and coffee shop owner, was seen together with one of his employees, D33. Although little is known about the mysterious D33, the idea of a boss-employee relationship (as well as an inter-species relationship) has raised many eyebrows, and fans seem to be both quite amazed and surprised by the idea!

The two were seen at the cinema together viewing the hit movie, "Dusk", which many fans claim to be a sign of its own considering that the movie tells the tale of a forbidden and heated romance between a Vampire and a Human.

"I'm pretty sure I've seen them holding hands!" 16-year-old Vanessa Rogers says enthusiastically on a video uploaded to BlueTube under her account. Many photographs of Kaneki and D33 have been uploaded to the "Kennibals" website reporting this whole event, and they show the two exiting the theater once the movie was over and heading to the beach together.

Fans guarantee romance is in the air and late summer love will prevail!

[ Many pictures of Kaneki and D33 at the movies (while watching Twilight Dusk) and at the beach follow. ]

NAY, WE ARE BUTT MEN
As seen on television, in De Chima newspapers, Bwitter, and on Rumblr:
A larger than life homage to Ambassador Sam Merlotte’s derrière became a social media sensation overnight after it appeared outside of Merlotte’s under mysterious circumstances. The bronze statue, which immortalized the Ambassador’s naked bottom in stunning detail, has since been removed, but not before photos of locals paying tribute to the artwork went viral on bwitter under #ambASSador. Doctored pictures of the statue touring the world and even traveling through time and space have continued to surface long after the original work vanished, fueling wild speculation about its fate.

Will the statue return once its pilgrimage is complete? Only time will tell.

CARTOON NETWERK
As seen on Bwitter:
Rumor has it that a new animated show starring the uncanny likenesses of imPorts will be airing this fall. An alleged cast list has been leaked with the following names:
Don Smurfy
Sad Weeney
Mina Squelcher
Hinders
Juice Dane
Ron Soot
Sandy Bark
Tio Mando
Thrice
Red Ivy
Kaan Cannibal
Ripe Hide

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from FULVOUS to EBURNEAN, because all is well if you squint.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

REMINDER: please use the designated text box when writing our your submissions.

Comments

video

[h2no]

Oh my god. OH MY GOD.

SHIN!! SHIN, GET A LOAD OF THIS!!

[VOICE]

[hellrisen02]

[It's just a clip of Duo choking-laughing. Sorry, he can't breathe.]

[video]

[continuousgroaning]

... Mina Squelcher?

Also, is "Eburnean" a bad thing...?

[video]

[ghoulking]

Eburnean is the color of ivory. Almost white.

So i'd say no? But I'm not sure how this color system works. I don't think anyone knows.

[text]

[hellrisen02]

[Nope okay doesn't trust himself on voice right now]

Oh Deedee, I knew you weren't all that frigid! Good luck with the fangirls, you're gonna need it.

(Really though, Dusk...?)

Text

[d33tached]

Shut up.

[Well, someone's feeling rather to-the-point today.]

[ghoulking]

[ DISTRESSED CANNIBAL SOUNDS ]

[h2no]

Nice.

[Private - Text]

[d33tached]

I apologize for this.

voice

[jojoceanman]

I'm starting to suspect these reports are neither informative nor well put together. Also that show sounds awful.

[squinting especially at "tio mando", sincerely hoping he is wrong in his assumption.]

voice

[ghoulking]

They are not.

[not here but he is so here rn]

[d33tached]

[Even more distressed barista sounds.]

[he knows]

[hellrisen02]

['bout to get some good tips huh kiddo]

video.

[glowsferatu]

Dusk is not about human/vampire romance, it's about stupid were-centaurs! I'm surprised they even found a theatre showing, that movie came out nearly ten years ago.

[Text]

[sleight_of_hand]

What a waste of a nice ass. (｡•́︿•̀｡)

voice;

[shifting]

[normally Sam just scrolls past these, but:]

Excuse me?

[dioception]

If that name is what I think it is, I'm going to find a way to sue them into nonexistence.

[Who cares if it's just barely not him, he'll figure it out, he's a crooked lawyer, dammit! He can sue anyone!!!

Tio Mando. He'd eviscerate whoever was responsible if he could.]

In fact, if anyone else wants in on it, I'm a fucking lawyer.

[cigarbribery]

[cheerfully:] Can't exactly prove that it's you, though, and even if you could, you'd have to prove they were out to harm your reputation and defame your character somehow.

text

[tropism]

But aren't you curious about Tio Mando's adventures? I know I am, I'm gonna watch it every week.

[jojoceanman]

[AUDIBLE SNORT.]

voice;

[doctopussy]

I see the Ambassador you all voted for is doing an exquisite job of living up to the dignity of his assigned role.

[ Sarcastic AND bitter! What a good guy! ]

voice;

[shutterbugged]

Because...being a sore loser is dignified?

[restingstitchface]

A whole number of characteristics of this world match our own. You didn't expect the threads of anti-intellectualism to not be winding their way through, surely?

[Snobs gotta snob.]

voice;

[shifting]

Good. This is good. This is exactly the sorta press I wanted to get goin'.

Lemme just take the time now to thank whoever was responsible for that one, since they never saw fit to claim their work. Hope you're happy, jackass.

[youresovein]

I thought it was magnificent!

[audio]

[wordaday]

Oh my god, why are people so obsessed with this? That's not funny, that's just sad.

[Sure it's a nice butt, but this is a bridge way too far, y'all.]