💣 011 | audio

[devoutish]

[These days, when Alfie gets on the network to make a post - not just a comment, but a full post - it's generally because he's at least a little bit drunk. Today is no exception. He's also even more grumbly and mumbly than usual, and that combined with his thick accent means he's also probably even harder to understand than normal, so apologies for that, world.]

Twelve months I've been here, now; that's edging toward outlier status, isn't it? Mm, yeah. I've seen people come, I've seen people go, I've made a call to invite someone over for dinner during the holidays only to find out they've fucking vanished into thin air overnight.

[Pour one out for Dr. Eldarov. He grunts, irritably, and then abruptly changes the subject.]

Right - but I've decided to quit my job. Yeah, that's gonna be my gift to myself for my one-year anniversary, and for the new year; my people's new year. And as such, I'll be taking bets on how long it'll be before they notice.

[Because of course he's not just going to call up and let them know he's leaving. He's made a hobby out of being irritating at work, so why stop now?]

It was a weekly thing, my radio show, so I'll take guesses at one week, two weeks, three, and so on. Winner, I'll buy a drink; whatever you like. Unless you're a kid or something, I dunno; then I'll buy you a lolly. I'd suggest getting your bets in before Sir Robot makes headway on his surely-doomed plan to destroy the porter and fucks everything up for a bit. Shanah fucking Tovah.

Comments

[h2no]

I guess. But I don't know if the International Police are gonna be up my ass, or the League, or maybe both.

[he rubs his face, leaning back.]

...What would you do?

[devoutish]

Likely something different from what you're gonna do, because we're two different fucking people, aren't we.

[h2no]

[EYEROLL]

No shit, dumbass. I'm just interested.

[devoutish]

[All right, fiiiiine. He sits back to think.]

If I fucked up and nearly ended the entire world. Mm.

Retire quietly, I think.

[h2no]

[archie grins a little in victory.]

Good start! I have a submarine to return that I really don't want to... and I think I'm gonna help out with repairing the damage I did to the environment.

Theeen maybe retire quietly.

[devoutish]

What are you gonna do, when you retire?

[h2no]

Not sure. Train Wailmer, maybe.

[devoutish]

That's another one of your Pokemon?

[h2no]

I had a Wailord, the evolved form. Probably lucky it didn't come with me...

But yeah. We kinda did it before the world-ending thing anyway. They're pretty fun to train.

[devoutish]

Maybe I'll be an animal trainer, too.

[No, he won't. Absolutely not.

Finally, he sets the menu aside, and lifts a finger to let a waiter know they're ready to order.]

What do you think? Can you see me sitting atop an elephant? -- Have you got any idea what an elephant is?

[h2no]

Big grey bastard, right?

[he rubs his beard again.]

I think you'd look better on a tiger.

[devoutish]

Tigers have got too many teeth-- yeah, I''ll have the nachos and a beer, please.

[He interrupts himself, when a waitress comes over. He nods to Archie.]

My treat, mate. Whatever you like.

[h2no]

That's true... they can't be trained like-- ah...! Are you sure?

[he hums, thinking over what he wants one last time.]

Can I get the Wake Up Call? Thanks. And-- and some nachos too. Unless that plate is big enough to share?

[mmmm ALCOHOL COFFEE healthy.]

[devoutish]

We'll share the nachos. Haven't got a clue if I'm gonna like them.

[h2no]

Alright, fair.

...


You're not, like, allergic to dairy or anythin'?

[devoutish]

I'm not. Have nachos got milk in them?

[h2no]

Kinda, they have cheese on 'em. Guess I shoulda mentioned that first...

[devoutish]

Have they got pork?

[h2no]

Nope!

[he thinks about that for a moment shanah tovah and no pork? archie isn't an expert, but he did enough research when he wanted to get it right for anatoly.]

They should be kosher!

[devoutish]

No pork's usually the best that I do for that, unless there's a holiday on.

[He admits. He's not the strictest Jew in the world.]

How do you know about that?

[h2no]

Anatoly!

[chirped with NO IDEA.]

I wanted to cook for him and also not accidentally say something stupid so I did a bunch of research about Judaism.

[devoutish]

Ah - he's left, you know. He's the one I was talking about, in the post.

[h2no]

FFFfffffuck. We had--

[...something important. cool. well, he won't freak out about that right now.]

--Shit, bro, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you meant that kinda holiday...

[devoutish]

I've still got the synagogue; it's all right.

[h2no]

[he'd offer to go with alfie, but he's not entirely sure what the etiquette is for something like that. he's not of the religion, so maybe it's best not to say anything.]

Well, uh, if ya wanna come out again just give me a buzz, yeah? [he snorts.] Unless you're really not enjoyin' this one.