video. shaaaarks

[h2bro]

[ hey, this is matt! he's 7ft tall, about 95% muscle and he's CURRENTLY WRESTLING A SHARK.

the feed opens up on this bigass man screaming and laughing at the top of his lungs while his pet shark squirms in his arms and gnashes its sharp sharp sharp sharp teeth in the air. matt and sharpedo are in the middle of his house in heropa, and the video shows matt staggering around with this neckless shark in some kind of headlock, both of them just banging into tables and couches and knocking everything over. things are breaking at an alarming rate. sharpedo is roaring and gnawing at his arm, matt is laughing and letting it happen, all scuffed and bruised and scraped and a little bloodied. he looks up at the camera, sharpedo grunting and snuffling over everything he's about to say, and he flashes a grin. ]

Yo!! I'm Matt. I like strong, interesting and funny people, so that's why I'm doin' a strong, interesting and funny introduction!!! [ he squeezes sharpedo, who boofs like a dog. ] Thinkin' about meetin' so many bros like that is HEATING ME UP INSIDE. Any of you wanna wrestle or go for a swim or fight or battle or CHALLENGE ME TO A SWEET, SWEET FLEX-OFF?! Any of you bros wanna learn how to LIFT LIKE A BEAST, BRO?! 'Cause I gotcha covered. I gotcha covered for ALL OF IT.

[ sharpedo writhes out of his grip and matt watches him flop onto the floor. he laughs. dumb li'l guy. he loves him so much. matt returns him to his pokeball. pokemon are great. ]

Comments

[heliophilic]

[The lax hiring standards of this place will never cease to amaze him.]

Do I need them for my shark wrestling?

[h2bro]

[ when matt answers, it is with an extremely serious tone of voice. ]

Depends. D'you wanna wrestle 'em underwater or on land? You a "gimme a handicap and let 'em splash around on land" kinda guy or a "i'll fight 'em on their home turf and show 'em what I'm made of" kinda guy?

[heliophilic]

[This is a man who takes shark wrestling very seriously.]

Definitely the latter. I wouldn't want a win I didn't earn.

[h2bro]

Then I gotta get you a buncha flippers, bro! Just a whole dang bunch! You ain't gonna be able to wrestle a shark underwater if you can't even keep up with 'em!!

[ also, he claps a hand on his bicep and flexes just for the sake of flexing his bicep. he's havin fun. ]

Y'know, you're a funny dude. Nobody here's willin' to wrestle anythin', and you're just like, what's up? Let that big boy chomp my butt. I'm impressed!

[heliophilic]

Sadly, I only have two feet.

[M's tempted to flex in return, just for shits and giggles, but his current white button-down isn't one for showing off.]

Most people aren't fun. Or have punched a space cat.

[h2bro]

Stack 'em, duh.

[ stack them flippers, bruh. also, rip that shirt, bruh! FLEX SO HARD YOU POP THEM BUTTONS OFF, BRUH!!!! matt's about to propose some weird bodysuit made of flippers that should, theoretically, let M swim at every direction at Maximum Speed, so long as he kicks with his whole body instead of his legs, but then his eyes narrow. ]

... What else've you punched? What d'you like to punch? How much stuff do you punch, bro?

[heliophilic]

Oh yes, of course.

[How could he be so silly?]

Let's see.... monsters, aliens, vampires, demons... Oh! there was that time I fought a monster train of lab-grown monster bears, crows, satyrs, eagles, goblins, and a wolf-horse-man creation... hyper-intelligent neanderthals, that tentacle meteor monster that fell from the moon, a superhero-turned-spy with an amazing ass, an asshole who claimed to be the greatest swordsman of all time, some blue giant named OMAC, people I considered friends during a misunderstanding, people under mind control, animals that had been fused together through black science (just to stun them, not to hurt them--don't worry they got better), homunculi, different versions of a guy who can clone himself, a government-funded band of supervillains...

...someone who thought they could play me.

I also occasionally punch the average joe, such as homophobes, murderers, gangs, members of the 1% who think their money makes them untouchable, and other miscellaneous criminal low-lifes.

[He really really likes punching things.]

[h2bro]

Woah. Woah. Woah. Bro. Bro? Bruh! Damn! That's-- BRUHHH.

[ matt doesn't know how to properly express his admiration, so he just punches himself over the heart a couple times. love, bro ]

I dunno what most of those words are, bro, but the couple I do know? Wild shit! Murderers? Damn, I was almost one of them! Gangs? I was in a gang! You coulda punched my lights out so good, bruh, and I woulda lost my mind! So cool. Oh, and the supervillain thing? ME TOO. God!!!!

Wanna go into a dark room and punch each other a lot so we can become best friends?

[heliophilic]

[Well that's one way to react to M's punching hobby.]

I'd enjoy nothing more, but something tells me Archie try to kill me if we do.

[He throws the name out casually, more to see how Matt would react than anything. Then...]

Perhaps we could team up and punch the same person to cement our friendship instead.

[h2bro]

[ ah - wow, that namedrop sure took the wind out of his sails. Matt had been punching his fist real hard and real fast until M mentioned Archie, and then his fist just kinda slows and his punches land a little softer and then they just sorta stop and he drops his arms to his side. He looks heartbroken. ]

I dunno if I wanna punch Archie with you, bro.

[ that definitely wasn't what M said, but Matt's busy focusing on why the FUCK EVERYONE KNOWS ARCHIE. ]

But - yeah, okay. We can punch some cement. That sounds good.

[ still not listening ]

[heliophilic]

[Interesting. He files the reaction away for later, not wanting to push his luck.]

I don't think I could punch him either.

[Archie is just one of those people who seems to get into everyone's business.]

I also have punching bags if you want to work your way up to cement.

[h2bro]

He'd probably break...

[ no offense, Archie. He does light up at the mention of punching bags, though, swingin' a couple of fast jabs through the air and making punch sound effects with his mouth. ]

Yeah! Yeah!! I had one of 'em back in my room back home! I don't have one here yet!! I'm gonna steal one of yours and keep it for myself, bro!!!!

[heliophilic]

[M has been around Archie long enough to confirm--crazy breakable.]

Seeing as I have about 12, you're more than welcome to take one home with you.