maskormenace | THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2017

THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2017Slight tension as the October month unfurls: weird, monstrous rumors flicker between whispering mouths, sight unseemly have been exposed to public streets. all just as the leaves up north begin to crisp and curl. Corpses have been left for public display -- and panic over a new serial killer is beginning to run thick.

MONSTER MASH
As seen in Maurtia Falls newspapers, heard on local radio, seen on TV:
TERROR IN THE MAURTIA FALLS TUNNELS! ARE THERE MONSTERS LIVING BENEATH OUR FEET?

Just this weekend a group of telecoms workers installing cables in Maurtia Falls' abandoned Blue Subway Line emerged terrified from an access shaft. The workers claimed that they had been attacked by some kind of monstrous creature.

Shift leader Chaz R Tharkelacky III says: 'It came at us out of the dark, HUGE claws, massive teeth, I've never seen anything like it! Me and the lads just dropped our stuff and ran, we ain't going back down there no matter what nobody says. We barely escaped with our lives!'

City officials are sceptical, believing that the men are trying to claim hazard money on top of their pay.

Maurtia Falls Subway system manager Eric Grubelfart says: 'We've had this kind of thing before, it's nearly Halloween, this is probably just some kids in costume who snuck into the tunnels somehow and scared the heck out of these guys. The only monsters in our subway system are our ticket collectors if you haven't paid your fare, get me?'

Work in the Blue Line tunnels has been suspended for now however, until the claims can be properly investigated.

IN BRUTAL FASHION
As seen on national news, widely distributed publication, public radio:
Terror's afoot! When October rang in by way of a desecrated corpse left on display outside of Nonah, officials were hopeful this was a sick, singular instance. Unfortunately, this is not the case! Horror has struck again, seven miles outside of De Chima this time. Another young woman has been found, half-clothed and severed at the waist, left on display. Curiously, there is some variation: this poor soul has scarcely a drop of blood to be found within her. Authorities are working on identifying the victim and have announced the clear potential for a serial killer to be on the loose and at the ready to create a third of these macabre displays for his collection. Young women have been advised to walk in pairs and stay inside past sundown whenever possible until this threat is captured or moves along.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY BROTHERS
As seen on local ads:
THE COLBALT COLEOPTERA! BLONDE, CIGARETTE CIA GUY! SEXY BIBLICAL ANTAGONIST! ECCENTRIC MAD SCIENTIST/MECHANIC! ANGRY ONLINE TEEN CYBORG DISC JOCKEY!

The Halloween season is here! Time to get your trademark averse and totally legal I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-ImPorted outfit right now!

RATCATCHER MUSIC MAN! KNOW-NOTHING COLD LORD! ICE SKATING CAT PRINCE! NUT-EATER SUPERHEROING LADY! EIGHT-LEGGED RINGO STARR!

Hurry, before they're all sold out! We have over 300 different kinds of empowering costumes! Can't get cheaper than this, folks.

JINGLE HELLS
As heard in shopping conglomerate stores:
With Halloween costumes already on sale, you can bet your candy(cane) tush that the Christmas season is already rearing up in Y'ALL-MART. So this handy dandy jingle might be ringing in the holiday spirit as you stroll down the waxy bright aisles of infinite consumerism:

DOOKU GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
WALTZING OUT FROM NONAH OR SOME PLACE
YOU CAN SAY THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS KARMA
BUT I JUST SAW A HOOF PRINT ON HIS FACE!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from BROWNIE POINTS to FALU. Keep vigilant, imPorts.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The feed opens to obnoxious, raucous laughter.]

Oh my God.

[Sorry, he's trying to breathe here.] Who wrote that jingle? Give them a raise.

I see little reason to encourage this foolishness.

[Why this.]

[Duo's not really sure what possesses him to say it; it could almost be construed as legitimate advice. Or maybe pity.]

[Either way, it probably involves a deathwish.]

Yanno, Dookie, people'd like you more if you could take a joke once'n awhile.

[Even Sith need friends :ccc]

[The Count sniffs.]

This juvenile idiocy hardly qualifies as a joke.

[What is friendship.]

Idiocy is what makes it fun!

[Sheesh, not that he'd expect an old-timer like Dookula to know what that is... Says the old priest.]

Look, slapstick just works. You never laugh at schadenfreude?

Never. My upbringing encouraged something of a more refined sensibility.

You’ve never laughed at someone else’s expense.

[He sounds really doubtful, buuuut...] Hokay. Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you.

Well, amusement can take more subtle forms than laughter, you understand.

[For Dooku, it's more a sly smirk at someone else's expense. Much more cultured that way.]

Now, you know that's just semantics, Count.

[And speaking of amusement, there's still a hint of playfulness to his voice.]

Is it? I think not?

[Congratulations Duo, you actually got the Count to sound a little playful in return.

[Achievement unlocked: get a grin out of the dour space fascist]

Okay, so we've established that you are capable, however minutely, of taking a joke.

Sort of.

Now you just gotta learn to take one at your own expense! Dignity's overrated.

For you, perhaps. But for a Count, dignity is very important indeed.

[ Adachi thought he was composed enough to say something about all this. But, as soon as the video connects, he just looses it, practically rolling over laughing. Riza can be seen in the camera, trying to nose at her human dad and make sure he's okay. ]

D-Dooku... run over by a reindeer! Th-that. That is perfect.

[ He's dying. It's a miracle he can eve get a word out between his laughing. ]

Adachi.

[That's it that's the response.]

[ Nope. Sorry not sorry, but this is too damn funny. Adachi lifts himself up a bit, wiping tears from his eyes as Riza sniffed curiously at the phone. ]

H-how's that hoof print on your face? I-iron it out yet?

[ And there he goes, into a fresh set of giggles. ]

It is hardly as amusing as you seem to find it. But I suppose I should be used to your deplorably low standards by now.

[ Adachi finally calmed down a little, rubbing tears away from his eyes. ]

Oh man... some of us have a sense of humor, Dooku-san.

And some are far too easily amused.

[ Killjoy. ]

Oh c'mon, that was good, you gotta admit that.

I admit nothing. 'Nonah or some place?' Hardly writing worthy of praise.

Killjoy.

"Angry Online Teen Cyborg Disc Jockey."

Perfect.

ice skating cat prince?
hey, i think i know that guy!

Okay, I am almost positive that you can't actually trademark the Devil in the first place, so. [ A beat. ] And I am not CIA!

[ ... Anymore. ]

As a new boy on the block, I'm super grateful for all these 'stume ideas.

[There's no text, only memes. This includes several flashing cartoonish gifs of Dooku's head with the lyrics of the tune above scrolling over it. And a midi video. Complete with 8-bit music of the catchy song.

She's at home cackling to herself right now.]

[ RIP Adachi: Died laughing. Thank you so much, Futaba. ]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2017

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