X05 | Text | UN: D33

[d33tached]

Given what you've experienced in this world, would you return to your own if given the choice?

Comments

[ghoulking]

[ Kaneki has no plans on being the one to break it off, of being the one to make the decision. Kaneki avoids making decisions like this, decisions that are important to him, and he often has to be pushed to them. And this time, he certainly expected D33 to be the one to make it - to break it off - because he'd never make it himself.

When he feels D33's lips against his in all of their tenderness he feels like he doesn't deserve any of it. D33 holds his hand and he can only look back at him. Maybe D33 will realize tomorrow or the day after the mistake he made, maybe Kaneki will be pushed away when he realizes what he really meant.

And it's so scary. It's easier to lose him now than later. It's easier now, while d33 still hasn't found out everything that is wrong with him. And yet Kaneki can't say another word, he can't say anything else that would make d33 see it, that would make him push Kaneki away. ]

... I understand. [ and he gives up on trying to get D33 to see. because in the end, kaneki is just a very lonely broken person who is in love and somehow still dreams of being loved too. Despite how much he hates himself, how much Kaneki still goes back to think of death, he loves d33. And he is so lonely, too. ]

... I'm so scared, Dee. [ of losing him, now or later, of not having him, scared of scaring him, scared of showing him what he really is. Kaneki is so, so scared. ]

[d33tached]

["I understand."

[D33's entire body seems to relax at the ghoul's soft, scared words. It's a relief that can't be spoken, and he immediately pulls Kaneki in for another long kiss before making any attempt to respond, arms wrapping firmly around him.

[Talk about fear - and D33 knows fear. Never had he known it like that, though.

[He lets out a slow breath as he breaks the kiss, pressing one to the top of Kaneki's head, then, before resting his chin on top of it, arms still curled tightly around his little ghoul.]

Scared of what, Kaneki? [He breathes it, unable to help the sound of relief that leaks into his voice as he does so. He doesn't mean to sound dismissive, and to show it he goes back to laying their foreheads together, cupping Kaneki's cheek.

[He's listening.]

[ghoulking]

[ he never explained it, to anyone. What he felt - what he truly felt; Chilton, who is his psychiatrist, might know more about kaneki, but there is still so much he hides even from his own doctor who is meant to be helping Kaneki.

The kisses that follow are like a soft touches even if D33's arms wrap around him so tightly. The way he presses kaneki against him and for some time, the ghoul doesn't really know what to say and how to explain it. it's until he feels his eyes sting that suddenly kaneki's arms grip hard on the man's shirt, like someone clinging to his life who refuses to let go ]

Of letting you see. What if you realize I'm too much of a mess, what if you see I'm not what you expected and wanted, what If I'm... just not right enough?

... I'm so lonely... [ it's almost like a contradiction, but it's not. kaneki has always been so lonely and he continues to be because he makes himself lonely. By not showing others who he really is, always hiding, always pretending. he is so lonely and so tired ]

[d33tached]

[D33 simply shakes his head at the man's words, and, as unexpected as it might be, when he pulls back to face Kaneki, there is just the smallest of fond little smiles on his face. He brings up a finger to run it over the ghoul's cheek, shaking his head again.]

I can assure you, Kaneki, that I have never wanted anything more.

[He's never wanted anything period. He'd seen no sense in it. He'd seen no hope that he might achieve it even if he had.

[It doesn't matter to him that Kaneki is a mess - not when he's such a "mess" himself, by the ghoul's own standards. And he certainly knows what it's like to feel lonely.

[He doesn't feel lonely with Kaneki. And what a novel feeling that is.]

You needn't worry about such things, Kaneki. I will make it clear to you should any occasion arise in which I need to.

It doesn't matter to me what you've done.

["I've done it too," he thinks, and he nearly says so. But this isn't really about him right now (for once).]

[ghoulking]

[ it should matter. Because this is the core of everything that is Kaneki. Guilt personified, self-hatred, self-disgust, and no sense of himself in any single way, and it all stems down from what he did and what he didn't do, the things that happened to him and the consequences of every action he took. It was just four years, and it it reshaped Kaneki again and again, into something worse every time. It may not matter to anyone else what he has done (specially not here) but it doesn't change a thing about the way Kaneki is.

Of course, D33 doesn't know Kaneki and maybe that's why it's so easy to say it doesn't matter. Whatever reason, Kaneki doesn't try to get the other to see it anymore. D33 refuses to break it off, and Kaneki can't be the one to do it because he is in love, too.

The leans forward, pressing his cheek against D33's chest, and stays quiet like that, eyes closed. he doesn't know what else to say, so Kaneki just stays like that, arms still around D33. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. ]