X05 | Text | UN: D33

[d33tached]

Given what you've experienced in this world, would you return to your own if given the choice?

Comments

[d33tached]

[Brendan's right. On some level, even D33 can recognize that. But he's not quite at that level yet, and so all of this talk of fixing internalized emotional issues in order to improve one's quality of life - it goes straight over his head and directly into the "this is nonsense" bin.

[Still, he'll pry a bit further.]

"Internal shit", as you have put it - like what?

[pale_blue_arrow]

past trauma. trust issues, paranoia, pain, regret, mistakes that are hard to live with, habits from living in a much more violent place and on a much tighter budget - it's a lot to unlearn. part of it is learning what's actually you and what's a habit from living where you were before, if that makes sense.

it takes a while to sort through all that mental white noise and get used to the way things are now and actually seeing them as they are.

[d33tached]

[There's something in D33 - something stubborn - that wants to rejects Brendan's words as he reads them. Nonsense, he tells himself again. But, deny it as he might, they hit close to home. Not that he can necessarily relate to pushing past such things on his own, but perhaps it's just that some part of him thinks it would be beneficial - if it weren't impossible.]

How exactly did you go about doing so, then?

Sorting through this "white noise", as you've called it.

[pale_blue_arrow]

it's not a one-step process. you have to start asking yourself if you're being rational and accept the possibility you're not. you have to talk out your mental hurricane with someone who isn't biased to tell you it's all okay when it isn't. you have to be ready for a lot of uncertainty and relearning how to interact with people.

it really fucking sucks. for huge swathes or time. and you'll backslide into all that white noise sometimes. but it's worth it. living without being on edge is easier, makes it possible to breathe.

personally i got a therapist and a boyfriend and learned to dump my emotional baggage on a couple of friends who'll tell me when i'm full of shit.

[d33tached]

[All good advice. None of it advice that D33 will likely be taking anytime soon.

[But, at the very least, he's heard it now.

["Living without being on edge" - if only that were possible for him, he thinks.]

I thank you for your information, Brendan.

[But he doesn't want to talk about this anymore - God forbid he start putting any value into it and trying to apply it to himself.]