maskormenace | statement 1, voice

[this is the voice of a man who sounds like he's very frustrated and trying to not sound too frustrated. and failing.]

I'll cut to the chase, is there anyone here familiar with learning to control these... abilities. More so for people who never had such nonsense in their lives.

With how utterly ridiculous it I'm half assuming there's a pamphlet or something of the like.

[if anyone is interested in (Import)Ant Gossip there are three articles written by the same guy whose name is attached to this post, jonathan sims.]

Latest news! Blue Oak's still at it, Adachi's Bad Hair Day and concern for Mr. Mick Rory!

People are being sent to space, for a reality television show no less, but I am told we must cover the more "important" things rather than how horrifying lavish and useless that project is. No, we must focus on barely verified "eye witness" accounts.

I will at least try to spare you from the truly absurd ones.

So let's begin this ridiculous and wasteful endeavor with a Mr. Blue Oak. Most of the reports - and I use the term 'report' generously - claim the man is, and I quote, "a pigheaded jerk." To be fair that's one of the terms most fit for print, at least. When pressed for details I could find a long line of claims against the man, ranging from overt rudeness to those he interacts with to noise complaints about a strange music that he drags around with him.

Several of these reports end with Mr. Oak calling that he would 'smell them later,' which if true is reminiscent of a schoolyard bully. Having not met the admittedly strange seeming man myself I'll reserve judgment, though I will say I do not envy his roommates in any way.

Next on our list is Mr. Tohru Adachi, who I frankly don't know where to begin with. All the information I've been handed for this piece is varied from the state of his hair to the state of his love life, neither of which I care even remotely to address. Since I would rather swallow broken glass than learn anything about this man's love life more than I've already read, let's stick to his hair.

[insert candid gossip pic of adachi with a killer bedhead here]

I'm not sure what I even need to say here. Clearly the man doesn't own a comb and apparently that is newsworthy to some.

Lastly, and I would say the most bizarre of these reports, is Mr. Mick Rory. He comes with a blessedly short report that has nothing to do with romance, thank whatever Lord this place believes in.

Mr. Rory was allegedly seen stopped on the sidewalk, staring intently at a television display. Not overtly strange, of course, if what was on the screen wasn't just a loop of a lit fireplace. More so Mr. Rory was said by multiple witnesses to have spent nearly forty minutes in a daze, watching this loop.

Again, I fail to see why the general public would care but perhaps his circle of friends should consider getting him some sort of help for... whatever it is that ails him. Best of luck, Mr. Rory.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Mr. Adachi is it? Frankly I would love to believe even half of what I read about your love life wasn't true.

[jon be nice.]

Then you should really consider using it.

[jon]

[ R U D E ]

[ Adachi let out an exasperated noise, looking like he couldn't even believe this. The hell did he do to deserve this treatment?! ]

I don't even know you?! What the hell?!

[have the briefest pause of hm. am i being a dick????

you are, jon. he clears his throat.]

My apologies, about your love life at least. I'm sure it's... exaggerated.

I can't apologize for the hair though, do try and be more presentable in public.

[that was a bad apology.] My name is Jonathan Sims, a pleasure. [is??? it???]

[ No??? It isn't??? ]

Yeah. Pleasure.

Look, my hair is perfectly presentable. And...

[ He paused, frowning in annoyance. ]

...no, my love life isn't that exaggerated, but that's beside the point!

Well you best find out who's sending these reports out about you- let's see here.

[he shuffles through some stuff and sends adachi the 'reports,' aka natives and such sending info. a lot of it is just utter nonsense (adachi seen in a bitter love triangle with sam merlotte and magnus burnsides??) but some is. not that far off.

jon adjusts his glasses.] There you are. Does this help?

[why would it help]

[ ...who the hell are these people?! Adachi let out an irritated noise, scrolling through the excessive list. ]

You've got to be kidding me. I thought the Viktohru fans were annoying enough, but there are people just making shit up about people I've never met?!

What on Earth is a 'Viktohru?'

[the important questions]

[ Adachi rubbed at his temple. Did he really want to get into this conversation? Nope. Not at all. ]

They're crazy fans that seemed to think me and Viktor should be dating. The amount of fan fiction for it is ridiculous.

Fan fiction? [adachi please don't introduce him to this world. he probably deserves it]

Well, there certainly were plenty about you and a 'Viktor,' so I suppose they're some of the culprits here.

Yeah, uh... some site called Cave of Our Own? I'm not sure...

[ That isn't even close, but Jon could probably find it. He's sure to be on it before long; he's good looking enough. ]

[dfgdrfg cave of our own] That sounds strange and dire.

[and after only a moment he manages to find the real site, open it, and make a rather epic face at some of the summaries he reads] Oh dear lord!

Yeah. Welcome to hell.

Seriously, don't go into the tentacles tag. Those get raunchy.

This is normal?

Tenta- Ugh, no. I do not want to know. [closing that site though he pauses at-] What on earth is 'vore?'

Wait, likely another thing I do not want to know.

Oh, that's the eaten alive fetish.

[ Sorry, Jon, now you know. That's what you get for being a dick. ]

Apparently it's normal. I know it's not unheard of on my world, just this is the first place where I've had to worry about people writing that crap about me.

[ADACHI]

[he looks horrified] I beg your pardon?!

[holy shit he is too himself for this life.]

I... wouldn't know if it's normal in my world. I have never braved the depths of the internet there and now I am absurdly grateful I didn't.

Man, you think that's bad, don't look up watersports.

[ He would feel bad if he didn't just have a dumb article about himself thrown out there for everyone to laugh at. He accepts his title of asshole with pride. ]

I will not, thank you.

[...

UGH he's weak]

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Maybe.

Look, if you really want, you can just go right to Fur U Paradise dot com and just get a first hand introduction to all of that, plus some others. Like sounding, for example.

[ Did he leave out the fact animals would be doing these acts? Yes. Did he deliberately say "fur" like "for"? Yes. ]

[ Get wrecked, Jon. ]

... you are doing this on purpose.

Fine, I suppose it's deserved, even if I hardly see why pointing out you could use a comb is so offensive. [ :| hm. ]

I am not opening that Pandora's box, thank you.

[... but will he though.]

Sure you won't.

Your loss if you don't, though.

[ Not a single fuck given over here; his only regret is he won't be able to hear the screaming if he doesn't do it during their current conversation. ]

[the deepest of sighs]

Anyway, what exactly is it you do for a living? I never got that in the many reports I've seen.

Here, I'm a private investigator.

Back home I was a detective, before I was incarcerated for murder.

[ :| ]

Given our entire conversation so far I can't tell if you're pulling my leg or brutally honest.

No, I'm being honest. I killed two women back home.

[ S H R U G ]

I've been here two years, and I've done the best I can to take this second chance at not screwing up my life. I don't really have a reason not to be honest about where I come from.

I... see. Well, that's admirable, I suppose.

[kind of hard not to be uneasy about 'yeah killed two women' but. still. if he was telling the truth there was something to that.] Do you believe you've accomplished that? Creating a new life.

Edited (IGNORE ME I'M ABD) 2017-11-18 06:14 (UTC)

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sleight_of_hand - 2017-11-18 06:16 (UTC) - Expand