[video] a valentines themed promotional video (brought to you by the shameless cast)

[gentrify]

[ Greetings, friends. Remember when Mickey said he was selling guns? Yeah, he's still doing that, but now, with a building and less so out of the trunk of his car, PLUS one (1) actual employee. So here he is, in said building, walls behind him lined with weaponry and sundries. ]

You wanna know what really says "I love you and I give a shit if you get capped on some sketchy gangland corner of Maurtia Falls" for Valentine's Day?

[ wait for iiiiit ]

A gun.

[ Or knife, or machete, or sword. They've started carrying some swords too, because they know some of you are ancient fucks and can't handle the idea of catching up to the rest of the world, so there should be some wall in the background with gear more that speed (the speed of a horse drawn carriage). Anyway, back to his sales pitch. ]

Yeah, I know you're all superheros and shit, but some of you fuckin' suck at it, and some of you got the crap end of it with bullshit powers like, I dunno, talking to squirrels or some Disney princess crap. Is a fucking squirrel gonna keep your girlfriend, boyfriend, side piece, whatever from getting mugged? Hell no. [ This place is ridiculous and he hates it. ] Point is, we got Valentine's Day sales going on over here at Southside M&G Armory, so come by and pick up a piece at discount prices.

[ Mickey's about half way through giving the address for the shop (somewhere in Heropa, handwave, la de da), when the distinct hiss of a spray can coming from somewhere off to the side draws his attention, both his attention and the camera of his phone turning in it's direction. There stands: Carl Gallagher, at the sales counter, spray painting a shotgun pastel pink, with a couple others in red and white and purple lying nearby. It's seasonal, ok? ]

Goddamnit, Gallagher, I told you to do that outside, dumbshit! Do your brain cell murder huffing on your own time, away from my merchan--

[ aaand the video cuts. apparently this ad is over. ]

Comments

[gentrify]

[ let's be real, they were probably high when they thought it up. ]

Yeah I trust you to spray within the lines as much as I trust Liam to color within the lines. Hell, I don't even trust you can piss straight.

[ if you weren't already brain damaged, carl, you are now with all those fumes and no ventilation. either way, he goes over to the door to prop it open, because he'd also rather the merchandise doesn't leave the store. ]

You know how much carpet replacements costs? 'Cause you're gonna if any of that crap gets on mine.

cw: ableism/ableist slur (ish)

[thirdstrike]

Hey, go easy on Liam, he might be r██arded, remember? I still don't really know for sure, it's fucking hard to tell with someone who's only seven years old. [ And Carl's attempts at the time to research via internet quizzes had sort of backfired on him. ] And for your information, apparently a lot of dudes sometimes pee at an angle after they get dick surgery. I looked it up!

[ Not that Mickey knows anything about Carl's dick, but-- y'know. Then Carl sighs again, rolling his eyes and stepping away from the counter. ]

God, fine, I'll also put down some fucking cardboard!

cw: ableism/ableist slur (ish) continued...

[gentrify]

Why the fuck would Liam be r██arded? [ It's possible Mickey was aware of this whole dilemma at some point, but it's since vanished from his memory, probably because he didn't care much about what new stupidity Ian's little brother was up to at the time, so long as he wasn't dying. ] He's not r██arded, you're the closest one to hit that landmark in the Gallagher brood. Seeing as you get stuff like dick surgery - the hell did you do to your dick?

[ god, carl, you're so weird. your whole family is weird. says mickey milkovich, who shouldn't be one to talk. ]

Thank you, christ, was it that hard?

cw: AND... CONTINUED......

[thirdstrike]

Asshole. [ Carl rolls his eyes, taking the communicator with him as he goes to fetch a cardboard box or two to break down. ] I just went and got myself circumcised-- my [ ex- ] girlfriend wouldn't go down on me 'til I did, cuz she thought it looked too weird. But now I know why people are supposed to get that shit done as babies.

[ Too bad for Carl he was the only Gallagher who got skipped over in that regard, but ain't that also just kind of typical.

Carl himself doesn't remember what everyone else was doing at the time of the Liam incident, just that a fucking lot was going on all at once. Plus, it was also a few years back, and it really isn't easy keeping the details of every Gallagher crisis straight. There are just so, so fucking many. ]

A couple years ago he got into some cocaine that was left out, had to go to the hospital for an OD. They thought he might have some brain damage since he was just a baby, but I haven't noticed him doing any weird shit lately. [ Then, after a pause: ] Fuck, what if we're both r██arded?