maskormenace | [video] a valentines themed promotional video (brought to you by the shameless cast)

[ Greetings, friends. Remember when Mickey said he was selling guns? Yeah, he's still doing that, but now, with a building and less so out of the trunk of his car, PLUS one (1) actual employee. So here he is, in said building, walls behind him lined with weaponry and sundries. ]

You wanna know what really says "I love you and I give a shit if you get capped on some sketchy gangland corner of Maurtia Falls" for Valentine's Day?

[ wait for iiiiit ]

A gun.

[ Or knife, or machete, or sword. They've started carrying some swords too, because they know some of you are ancient fucks and can't handle the idea of catching up to the rest of the world, so there should be some wall in the background with gear more that speed (the speed of a horse drawn carriage). Anyway, back to his sales pitch. ]

Yeah, I know you're all superheros and shit, but some of you fuckin' suck at it, and some of you got the crap end of it with bullshit powers like, I dunno, talking to squirrels or some Disney princess crap. Is a fucking squirrel gonna keep your girlfriend, boyfriend, side piece, whatever from getting mugged? Hell no. [ This place is ridiculous and he hates it. ] Point is, we got Valentine's Day sales going on over here at Southside M&G Armory, so come by and pick up a piece at discount prices.

[ Mickey's about half way through giving the address for the shop (somewhere in Heropa, handwave, la de da), when the distinct hiss of a spray can coming from somewhere off to the side draws his attention, both his attention and the camera of his phone turning in it's direction. There stands: Carl Gallagher, at the sales counter, spray painting a shotgun pastel pink, with a couple others in red and white and purple lying nearby. It's seasonal, ok? ]

Goddamnit, Gallagher, I told you to do that outside, dumbshit! Do your brain cell murder huffing on your own time, away from my merchan--

[ aaand the video cuts. apparently this ad is over. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Magnus looks up and offscreen, for a moment, then bursts out laughing]

-- You just scared off my potential patient with that. Ahahaha. I feel like "I'm not talking to a cam boy" won't make him come back. Uh. I guess it's fine...?

[he gets up (enjoy the close-up view of his hoodie) to peer down the hall, but eventually sits back down]

That's fair, anyway.

What?! No shit!

[ Maybe Carl should feel more badly about that, except it's maybe the fucking funniest thing to happen to him all day. He leans closer to the screen once he stops laughing himself, then cups one hand to the side of his mouth to shout: ]

--AND IF YOU WANNA GO AGAIN THEN YOU GOTTA PAY ME FOR ANOTHER HOUR, BITCH!

[Magnus starts laughing again, harder this time]

Aw, come on -- why do I gotta be a cheap john? I'm a better class of dude than that --

Fine... how's this:

[ Carl's also laughing again, although trying very hard to control himself. ]

THAT'S RIGHT, BIG SPENDER, MAKE IT RAIN! MAKE IT! FUCKING! RAI--

[ But then suddenly-- ]

Fuck, Mickey heard me.

["IF YOUR BALLS TOUCH ANYTHING IN MY STORE YOU'RE GONNA LOSE 'EM"]

[what Magnus is losing is his shit, leaned over on his nurse's desk and laughing into his hands]

Of -- ahahah -- course he heard you? Your seductive cam boy voice was breaking the sound barrier? I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure strippers aren't compensated by decibel.

...Though I do almost feel like you should teabag something just to spite him.

[ because carl is still screaming about stripping, mickey's actually pacing back over, just in time to hear Magnus say something about teabagging things to spite him. thus, the phone get's yanked out of carl's hand to show mickey, with a bowie knife held up. ]

Changed my mind. He teabags anything, your nuts are the ones I'm hacking off.

[oops. sprung. Magnus puts his hands up like easy, easy]

I'm a paying customer now? [...] Er. Not that kind.

[ a beat. a squint. ]

Paying how much?

Carl's got the numbers.

[ Carl is too short to be visible as long as Mickey's still holding his communicator, but he shouts from somewhere off-screen (probably trying not to dissolve into more shrieking laughter): ]

It's true, Mick, I'm selling him a crossbow! Don't make me responsible for another guy's balls!

[ mickey glances from the phone over to carl, and seems to consider it for a moment. hm. ]

Yeah, okay, whatever. I get a 20% cut of any whoring you do out of my store.

[ you may think he is joking, but actual former pimp mickey milkovich is not. the phone gets tossed back to carl. have fun, kids, he's getting back to work. ]

I'm not--

[ Carl catches his communicator in both hands, then raises an eyebrow. ]

Wait, how much do you think I could make? Ballpark.

How the fuck should I know?

[ Mickey snorts, looking back of his shoulder. ] I never looked into cam boy rates. Wasn't my thing.

[and from the communicator in Carl's hands;]

Zero dollars. Don't be a cam boy, dumbass, if you don't wanna be responsible for another dude's balls. There like a million other things you can do here to get paid, anyway.

Jesus Magnus, relax-- I'm not gonna fucking start camming, it was just a hypothetical!

Mmhmm. I saw the dollar signs start flipping in your eyes like a Loony Toons character.

Yeah, but I'm not stupid enough to record myself selling out to a bunch of perverts and then posting it online-- hell, I probably wouldn't even make as much as if I'd just catfished them all instead.

Catfishing seems like a lot of work. And you'd still have to talk to greasy dudes on the internet.

Also, no offense? I wouldn't buy you as an innocent teenage girl who needs money for a camera for a single second.

God, I'm not catfishing anyone either! I mean, I could probably figure out how pretty quick, but--

[ ( doubt ) ]

If I did need some way to make more money, I still wouldn't do it on the internet. I'm staying off the grid as much as possible.

[a pause]

Your boss videoed you and shouted your last name in a video on the public network?

No, I mean business. All our merchandise is physical, and transactions need to be done in person. [ He pauses also. ] Social media and promotion are totally different, though.

Re: video/action

fehus - 2018-01-31 00:38 (UTC) - Expand

video/action

thirdstrike - 2018-01-31 01:35 (UTC) - Expand

fehus - 2018-01-31 03:33 (UTC) - Expand

thirdstrike - 2018-01-31 03:41 (UTC) - Expand

fehus - 2018-01-31 03:43 (UTC) - Expand

[ shouted from the stock room, because that was yelled loud enough to baffle him: ]

DO THAT SHIT ON YOUR OWN TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD, CARL, IF YOUR BALLS TOUCH ANYTHING IN MY STORE YOU'RE GONNA LOSE 'EM.

[ ... Oops...

Shouting back: ]

YO, I'M NOT GONNA STRIP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN SHOP WITH THE DOOR WIDE-FUCKING-OPEN, MICKEY!