maskormenace | (no subject)

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[ Kylo's expression is tight, his eyes intensely sharp- and those who have seen him before will note something else, too. His face is scarred- a long, neatly healed line running right over it, from his brow down to his neck. ]

~~Thankfully,~~ he hasn't taken his clothing off for the occasion. ]

I'm back.

[ That's it. ]

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You came for me.

[ He's committed, now. He's committed. No turning back.
It can't be undone by refusing to speak of it. He knows.
It can't be undone. Ever. ]

On Starkiller. You came for me. Years too late. I hadn't-- you looked so old. So tired.
And when you asked-- you asked me. To come home.

[ His eyes are wet with tears, but he won't look away. ]

I had to do it. I had to. Every... moment. Every moment you existed was agony.
I had to be free of it.

[Oh. He gets it.]

...I'm gonna guess you didn't. Take the offer, I mean. [There's no judgment in his tone, just acceptance. The tired kind of acceptance, like he'd figured at least parts of it out for himself, just hadn't wanted to look at them until now. It might look an awful lot like the older version, that Kylo had last seen on Starkiller Base.] I'm sorry. That I came too late, that I didn't try to find you earlier.

[It makes sense. It makes an awful kind of sense, and kriff, Han's not sure he can tell Leia, or Luke about this.]

What about here and now? What do you need me to do, to help?

To help?

[ He can't- it doesn't make any sense. It's his father's hand, reaching out to touch the face of the son who has murdered him, all over again. He wants hate, he wants anger, he wants-- anything, other than this.

He shakes his head. ]

I killed you. Don't you understand? I killed you. I looked you in the eyes. I took my lightsaber, and I ran you through with it. That's how it ends. That's how you die.

I kill you.

[Yeah he definitely did not expect Kylo to say it so bluntly, and Han scowls at him and crosses his arms, defensive and even a little bit huffy.]

Yeah, I understand. My ears work. [Is this how Luke felt like, thinking there's still good in his father? Because there's still good in Kylo, even despite what he's telling him now.] Doesn't change the fact that I still want to help. I kriffed up. Or will kriff up, bad enough you put a 'saber through me. Let me fix that, lemme—lemme do something, to make it up to you.

[Because he thinks this is his fault, at the heart of it. Because he believes he must've done something wrong, somehow, somewhere along the way, because why else would that happen?]

[ He doesn't look angry, despite the intensity of his words, or the defensive retort of Han's response. If anything, he looks lost. Confused. ]

I killed you.

[ He feels like he's locked into saying it, after so long of refusing to let the words past his lips- because the only reason he can understand that explains his father's reaction is that he simply hasn't grasped the truth. Why else would he be apologising? ]

Anything-- you did, or didn't do- you have paid for. You don't owe me anything.

[I killed you. Han should be angrier about that, perhaps. Some part of him is resolved to make sure it doesn't happen, but that's not anger. That's just Han, defiant, clinging on to the idea that he could still shape his own future, even if it's spelled out in front of him.

Maybe it's too late for him in their galaxy, but not here.]

You're my son. It's not a matter of debt. [You don't owe me anything, Han, Leia's voice echoes, from just a few years ago, after that mess with Frax. We don't keep a tally of debts.] I just—you're my son, I want to do right by you here and now. That's it, that's all there is to it.

[ He doesn't understand it and he knows, full well, that nothing in him deserves it.
But he knows there is no lie in his father's insistence.

His own voice is tight. Choked. ]

I would take it back. If I could. I would.

[One hand drifts up, as if Han means to put it on Kylo's shoulder, reassuring. He doesn't, changing the trajectory halfway through so he runs a hand through his own hair instead, as if suddenly conscious—he wants to fix things, somehow. He doesn't know how, and he's not sure how he's even supposed to start with this bomb that's been dropped on him.

But this is his boy. He's got to start somewhere.]

...'s'okay. [For someone so quick to belligerence, Han can be soft when he wants to be, kind and gentle in a way he normally isn't for anyone he's not close with.] I know.

[He breathes out.]

If you still want, we can still have that lunch. And we can talk a little more.

[ He watches that hand move- he wants it on his shoulder. But Han is not Anakin- he doesn't have the Force to clue him in to Kylo's needs and wants, and he's... nervous.

Kylo nods, still very uncertain how to behave around his father. The one thing he does know is that he wants the opportunity to test it out. ]

I was looking forward to it.

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