Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

[yaaas_queen]

See, I'm here catering to everyone. I am breaking down boundaries and offering a hand backed by my years of experience making people care about things they don't want to care about. I'm talking subway goers who, when they see a new advertisement in their tunnels, they think about where they're going to draw a dick on it. Before I left PR, our last advertising campaign had a 25% decline in dick drawing and a 200% increase in interested parties reaching out to us.

[Ironically enough that's not a lie, but it's easier to have NYPD ads go over with just a text asking what they could do better than something with a face on it.]

You're already selling yourself short by not setting your clear lines of ownership. All these people here is you don't want their business and you don't care about their lives. A'ight, I don't care about them either, but I am willing to be so interesting they can't help but want to listen to me.

[subourbon]

[The mention of "dick drawing" only serves to make Alison miss Felix, causing her to retreat even further into passive-aggressive territory. She makes a scoffing noise.]

Good luck with that. And I just happen to think anyone who would want to pursue a bear-skinning workshop [The "you psycho!" is implied] is better served finding someone else to "execute" their vision.

[yaaas_queen]

[There's a slight radio pause, enough to signal a change in the mood and Gina's voice grows solemn (or about as solemn as it could be for her).]

And I am so sorry--to the Girl Scouts and other patriotic groups that are out there giving their all for this great land, America. We here at "Fix Your Selfie" believe you deserve, nay, have earned the right to celebrate in whatever way you choose. I, personally, will promote any catering events who will make sure you young women feel valued and respected in this harsh, cruel world.

[she might softly be letting "America, the Beautiful" instrumental play behind her]

[subourbon]

[Absolutely being the judgmental Canadian that she is when she hears that background music.]

No Girl Scout troop is going to be engaging in that kind of behaviour in the first place, so you can stop trying to pretend like this is a great affront to them.

[yaaas_queen]

[Doesn't that just mean you apologize passive-aggressively?]

Uh, of course they will when it comes to destroying the giant bear of Communism.

[subourbon]

I have no idea what that is even supposed to mean!

[yaaas_queen]

--is what someone who clearly knew what it meant and didn't want to admit it would say.

[subourbon]

Okay, now you're just being deliberately obtuse. I don't have time for this.

[yaaas_queen]

Excuse me, that was very clearly a pointed retort, re: geometric angles.

[If Gina had more empathy she might feel bad for baiting Alison this much, but as it is she's getting so much cred for standing up against the mean Canadian event planner's vicious attack on Girl Scouts that you can't plan this kind of drama]

[subourbon]

[Realizing that she's unlikely to get anywhere but deeper into the hole she's digging, Alison decides to cut her losses.]

Anyway, good luck with your "radio show".

[The quotation marks are DEFINITELY obvious, and she hangs up.]