Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

voice;

[itistolaugh]

Hi, I don't have any problems to work through, but I just wanted to call in and say this is my new favorite show.

voice;

[subourbon]

[Alison calls in not to get "life advice", but to try and talk to someone in charge. When they completely ignore her prepared spiel and put her straight to air, she sounds obviously discombobulated by the whole situation.]

Oh... no, I was actually just wanting to speak to a producer about promoting imPort businesses through radio advertisements...

voice;

[liverletdie]

You know, I was going to tell you that copyright law doesn't include any superpower clauses, but... Honestly?

I think you sound like you know what you're doing. [ A beat. ] But if you're looking for TV over radio, I think you need but ask. Especially if your face game is as good as you say.

[ What? Who doesn't call into radio shows just to hock opportunities? ]

Voice

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

[This person seems like An Experience.]

Okay. I'll bite.

I've been giving a lot of thought to figuring out who I want to be, and how to get there. I'm not sure I'm good with where I'm at right now, or what I need to change. Any advice on how to handle those big questions, Gina?

voice;

[exceptionalthief]

A.C., M.P., and O.G?

[Audio]

[generalgrievous]

Some souls are broken beyond the point of any soothing.

[The voice is rough with a unidentifiable accent.]

[symphonyinme]

Yeah, I'm ready! Go girl! And tell me the hip new ways to do a girls night out in this freakin' place.

voice

[pop_of_color]

Well, fuck.

[youresovein]

Good evening, Gina! I do have one very long-standing question that I'm hoping you can answer for me. What would you recommend for your listeners who are already perfect?

SUCK IT LESTAT

[shittywizard]

Yeah, uh, same question as the last guy, except I'm a wizard.

voice;

[marriedmedium]

Congratulations on your new job, darling! Welcome to the world of professional advice-givers. We have a secret handshake!

Voice;

[lasersounds]

I think you may be my new favorite person here...

voice

[knaval]

I could do with some relationship advice.

[the metallic twinge to riptide's english accent might betray someone using a vocoder but-- alas. why would it be that simple? giant robot drama.]

voice; so smooth

[hardboyled]

[Don't mind him, just squeaking excitedly and then giggling like a school girl.]

I was wondering if you had any advice on what to buy an amazing sister as a welcome gift?!