Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

voice;

[itistolaugh]

Hi, I don't have any problems to work through, but I just wanted to call in and say this is my new favorite show.

[yaaas_queen]

Thank you, listener. The first step to keeping yourself out of confidence problems is acknowledging the good in life, like your taste in radio shows. Can I get some Queen in here?!

[You can enjoy a forty second clip of Princes of the Universe for your call in, as well as the knowledge that behind the sound proof booth a poor technical intern is crying because they can't afford the rights to Queen either]

voice;

[subourbon]

[Alison calls in not to get "life advice", but to try and talk to someone in charge. When they completely ignore her prepared spiel and put her straight to air, she sounds obviously discombobulated by the whole situation.]

Oh... no, I was actually just wanting to speak to a producer about promoting imPort businesses through radio advertisements...

Re: voice;

[yaaas_queen]

Too late, you've been sent straight up the Linetti Line. Also, I think the producers are currently on the phone with some very important people and from the veins showing in their necks, it's going to be a while.

So your problem is advertising. You can't get enough attention, can you?

[While it may seem mean, the last part is said in anything but an "I hear ya, sister" sense of camaraderie. The rest of it was her usual judgemental tone.]

voice;

[liverletdie]

You know, I was going to tell you that copyright law doesn't include any superpower clauses, but... Honestly?

I think you sound like you know what you're doing. [ A beat. ] But if you're looking for TV over radio, I think you need but ask. Especially if your face game is as good as you say.

[ What? Who doesn't call into radio shows just to hock opportunities? ]

[yaaas_queen]

Radio is just me paying my dues. Like Paris Hilton pretending to act. But if you're in need of convincing just image search my name.

[Would Gina actually go out of her way to Google bomb results on her first day in a new dimension instead of reading the highly sensitive materials and trying to figure out living situations? The answer to that is you can probably find at least 50 "candid" selfie shots that somehow have been piggybacked into trending social media]

Still, it's good PR to start out. Helping people, saving lives from boredom...

Voice

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

[This person seems like An Experience.]

Okay. I'll bite.

I've been giving a lot of thought to figuring out who I want to be, and how to get there. I'm not sure I'm good with where I'm at right now, or what I need to change. Any advice on how to handle those big questions, Gina?

[yaaas_queen]

[Full G-ticket ride here]

This is where the radio part handicaps me. If I could get a good look at you I'd probably have some ideas to start: manscaping, posture, whether or not you've got that "get it, girl" look in your eye. So why don't you give me one thing about yourself you want to change and we'll go from there.

voice;

[exceptionalthief]

A.C., M.P., and O.G?

[yaaas_queen]

Advanced Character, Master of Personality, and Original Gangsta. The last one is a degree you can only get on the hard, unforgiving streets of New York.

[Audio]

[generalgrievous]

Some souls are broken beyond the point of any soothing.

[The voice is rough with a unidentifiable accent.]

[yaaas_queen]

You are correct lozenge needing listener. But we're saving the hopeless causes for a later show, maybe thinking of calling it "Kicking Deadweight to the Curb"--[there's a moment's pause, likely where she's making her studio handlers cry again]--that's still a work in progress.

So right now I'm working on those helpless-yet-not-hopeless causes. The ones giving a cry for help, either by calling in to this show, or wearing floral in seams on the most boring pantsuits...

[symphonyinme]

Yeah, I'm ready! Go girl! And tell me the hip new ways to do a girls night out in this freakin' place.

[yaaas_queen]

Thank you for your enthusiasm, listener.

First, maaaaybe drop the word "hip." Like, in everything. Even the body part, just call it your Shakira shaker.

Second, find yourself some girls to go all out with. They don't have to be ride-or-die bitches, just people you could see showing your Third-Shot-Self with who won't forget to pay their tabs.

Third, get some new outfits. Synchronized if you can, glitter if you can't. Don't forget to keep a little somethin' in your purse if it's new territory.

[The last part sounds suggestive, but whether it's in a sexy way or weapon way who knows?]

voice

[pop_of_color]

Well, fuck.

[yaaas_queen]

[The F-bomb is probably the thing that does poor "Mike" in, and switches the radio over to something less profane to the rest of the listening audience, but Gina doesn't even seem to mind as she takes the microphone off it's perch and talk into it like a phone.]

Finally. Rosa, I had to restart an entire social media platform here. From scratch. Do you know how hard it is to sit back and trust you detectives to find me?

[youresovein]

Good evening, Gina! I do have one very long-standing question that I'm hoping you can answer for me. What would you recommend for your listeners who are already perfect?

[yaaas_queen]

[There's a small inhale on her end, sort of a yes, recognition as her tone actually gets a little thoughtful, the kind she normally reserves for when you ask her which Channing Tatum ab is the most defined]

Excellent question, listener! Normally, I would save this for a later time but since I have two callers asking the same question, I'll go ahead with it. Imperfect listeners, turn away so as not to spoil yourself.

[Now, getting into a more conspiratorial tone]

If I may digress, this gets into the age old question: what is perfection? Some spiritualists say it's finding your best self, attaining oneness with the universe, Nirvana, Heaven, blackouts due to taking too much gigglepig. And that's fine if you want to sit in a room with nothing to do except avoid how you haven't bathed in weeks because you're trying to solve world peace. It's "technically" true.

The other, more difficult perfection, is the one I strive to maintain every damn day. The way of being so perfect so that other people realize you are better than them. This is harder because people are The Worst. Even if you wake up every morning looking like you walked out of a Chanel commercial, somebody is going to expect that as routine. It becomes normal for them. We have short attention spans, limited engagement. I have checked my phone at least eighty times since I started this show, and I am fascinating.

The trick is innovating your perfection. In the 1920's Josephine Baker was our Beyonce, and she would walk her pet cheetah along streets of Paris wearing nothing but pearls and bananas. But you can't do that today. I know, because customs told me it that I wasn't allowed to smuggle a cheetah or bananas, something about how it could wreck the ecology of New York as well as ruin airplane upholstery. And, side note to listeners: cheetahs are apparently very neurotic and can't sheath their claws.

Anyway, my point is that Beyonce has become perfect by finding the perfection in the current landscape. We didn't know we needed her "Lemonade" until she dropped it out of the blue and slaked our cultural thirst. And fifteen minutes or twenty years from now we, an insatiable and ignorant mass, will be expecting something entirely new for our standards of perfect...

SUCK IT LESTAT

[shittywizard]

Yeah, uh, same question as the last guy, except I'm a wizard.

NARCISSIST CLUB AWRITE

[yaaas_queen]

[And Gina's long answer to Lestat is definitely including him, but this part she directs to Taako]

I'd say the same difficulties of being a new, better kind of perfect would apply to you. But what kind wizardry are we talking about? Actual magic? Because where I'm from, wizards are either failed basketball teams, or fake elf nerds.

voice;

[marriedmedium]

Congratulations on your new job, darling! Welcome to the world of professional advice-givers. We have a secret handshake!

[yaaas_queen]

Thank you, from the state of this pop culture landscape, they need all the help they can get. Are you from the same station?

[She may be asking since it seems she broke at least one of the employees on her first day]

Voice;

[lasersounds]

I think you may be my new favorite person here...

[yaaas_queen]

As I should be. Do you have any requests, either musical or self-improvement related?

voice

[knaval]

I could do with some relationship advice.

[the metallic twinge to riptide's english accent might betray someone using a vocoder but-- alas. why would it be that simple? giant robot drama.]

[yaaas_queen]

[She has spoken to people who are pure autotune, so even if it was a full robot voice she'd just assume Daft Punk finally broke their vow of silence to ask her for the blessing to their gay marriage]

And I have plenty to give. What kind of relationship "it's complicated" status are you at?

voice; so smooth

[hardboyled]

[Don't mind him, just squeaking excitedly and then giggling like a school girl.]

I was wondering if you had any advice on what to buy an amazing sister as a welcome gift?!

you mean squeaky

[yaaas_queen]

[She knows that voice. Even before the giggle fully gets out she knows that high pitch because YOU WILL NOT FOOL ME AGAIN PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN]

A certificate stating we're not genetically related.