maskormenace | Audio only

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Cocktails, yes. That's what this radio program needs.

[There's a difference in sound quality as it seems she's leaning away from the microphone to the sound mixer]

Mike! Next episode, we do cocktails matching personalities! You can put my tab on the studio's bill for research!

Excellent!

[There's a clink on her end, as if Sadie is toasting with herself. Because she's toasting with herself.]

Let me know if you'd like introductions to any of the liquor store owners, darling. I'm good friends with all of them.

[Being cool enough to toast with yourself is a power move Gina knows and appreciates]

I will take you up on that offer. Especially any of them who can warn people away from bottles that legally have to be labeled as "wine drink"...

[Sadie gasps in absolute, unfeigned horror at the idea.]

Bite your tongue! Don't say those words out loud, my bottles will hear them!

Sensitive vintages, huh? I would be too if some cheap impostor tried to step to me and didn't even have the decency to get most of the ingredients right.

[Ingredients for a Linetti being: swagger, pizazz, cunning, and enough blinding self-confidence to make up for any shortcomings in the first three

I'm so glad you understand, darling.

[It's like they're boozey soulmates.]

I'll be sure to compile a list for you, and perhaps put together a little welcome basket of samples. My liquor boy can bring it by on the next delivery.

Of course. Being understanding is part of my job. And liquor boy, hmm?

[turning away from the speaker so it's a little muffled]

Hey, Mike, can we get a security pass for any future liquor boys? No, I don't know his name or if he's actually made of liquor. Just list him as Jim Bean!

[and back to business]

This is definitely a great welcome to the neighborhood. I will make sure to sing your praises or play a favorite song for you next episode.

[Little Jimmy Bean is as good as any. Liquor boys don't really need names, in any case; in Sadie's recollection, they blur together as a series of interchangeable faces and outstretched arms: bottle in one hand, ready to accept a tip in the other.]

I'll be listening for it, darling. Be sure to dedicate it to Sadie Doyle. Charmed!

You hear that, audience? People get requests when they get me good bribes! I don't care if that's the other B-word I'm not allowed to say!

Thank you, Sadie, you have displaced Charles Boyle as my favorite -Oyle ending person.

Oh, I could tell that you had excellent taste, and now you've proved it! I think we're going to get along splendidly.

I am a constant affirmation of miracles. But with your alcohol and my tunes we can bring the party anywhere.

And what an excellent soiree it will be.

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oof sorry for the delay it's been A Week

understandable the caps are ominous

it was very ominous lots of ghosts were involved

and some meddling kids?

And a dog, if you'll believe that

Ruh-Roh Raggy

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