Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

[voice to private]

[pop_of_color]

Great. So you can get your own entrance music wherever you go. That's not gonna get annoying.

[She lets that silence linger. Even though it's Gina, one of the few people at the 99 that Rosa's liked since day one more or less, it's still .... you know, a personal question. Requiring personal information to be shared over a very public network. So, she flips on that all important private option.]

Unlimited blades and super human strength. [She leaves out the fact that the latter can only be accessed if she's wearing an obnoxiously bright and/or pastel colored article of clothing.]

[voice to private]

[yaaas_queen]

[Gina is likewise leaving out her subterfuge power that would mean accessing Amy's wardrobe for it to work, we can just hide our fashion based abilities like women.]

So your powers are basically you, but Extra you. Niiiiice. [and it does sound 100% genuine]

Does this mean I can ask you to open jars and heavy machinery? Since you're officially the Terry tank in his muscled absence...

[pop_of_color]

Fuck yeah. Don't expect me to bounce my pecs around like he does, though.

You missed a hell of a party, by the way.

[yaaas_queen]

Wouldn't fantasize and/or dream of it.

And, please, I am the party.

But what kind of soiree are you talking about? Was it one with the nice kind of silverware? You know, with the little tiny prongs that are only good for appetizers or short circuiting someone's iPhone?

[pop_of_color]

It's a house where me, Jake, and Boyle live. We aren't Holt. Only he has all that fancy shit.

Nah, it was debauchery. So much shit got destroyed. [She actually lets out a little laugh.] It was dope. A chair got thrown into the wall, so we decided to leave it there. Guy with a lightsaber cut a bunch of lamp posts. We destroyed a car together. Shit got set on fire, I ripped a door off .. it was awesome.

[yaaas_queen]

Silverware with the salad forks and little prongs is fancy, regular silverware is the only utensil besides a hairdryer that separates us from animals.

--wait, you all live together? [You can hear how that takes time to process] Big Brother-style or did you decide Boyle's career as a live-in maid would make up for his disgusting morning rituals?

[pop_of_color]

I mean, we aren't heathens. We have silverware and shit.

I lived alone for a while. Then Boyle showed up, then Jake. Then .. I don't know, it just kind of made sense. Jake's like a toddler, so he needs someone to watch out for him to make sure he doesn't only drink blue drink and eat butter-syrup squares. Boyle can cook and clean and takes care of all of the domestic shit I hate and that Jake doesn't know how to do.

Surprisingly not as horrible as I expected.

They also know not to touch any of my shit unless they want to be murdered.

[yaaas_queen]

Jake's presence in the house is why I had to clarify if there was silverware at all. Our bonds were forged in childhood's fires but I've seen him try to use Twizzlers as chopsticks, it's a struggle.

It also explains why you'd have a party at your house, because Boyle would clean everything up. First rule of amazing parties is being able to exit the party while it's still amazing and nobody asks you to wipe down counters.

JFC I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AT THE TWIZZLERS THING

[pop_of_color]

He fucking tried that, fuck. But I made him use silverware. It's a rule. Only Boyle gets to break it when he eats his weird .. like .. fucking goat hoof bullshit.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Boyle was cleaning before the party was even over. We left the chair in the wall.

[yaaas_queen]

Was it your only chair? And is it inserted in the wall where you could still sit in it, because that would be modernist, or where its legs are jutting out, because that could be a good coat hanger...

[pop_of_color]

Nah, we have a few others, but it was just such a fucking impressive sight to see it in there. Plus we figured there'd be structural damage if we tried to remove it. Like when you get stabbed. Better to leave the knife in than pull it out. Keeps all your blood and shit inside like a plug.

It's in there half-way. Right side up.

[yaaas_queen]

Yeah, but you don't just leave that knife in there indefinitely. You can get it out in a hospital or by cauterizing the wound with a lighter and some accelerant like with homemade blow torches.

[No, Gina, that's not how it works...]

So it technically could be used as a raised seat, like a throne or something.

[pop_of_color]

I don't think that's how it works.

But yeah, pretty much. If you could get up there in the first place. It's pretty high up off the ground. It was thrown from halfway across the room.

[yaaas_queen]

Yes, but you have a human footstool as your roommate, making it that much easier.

[pop_of_color]

Yeah, then .. I dunno, it's fucking yours, if you want it.

We've got spare rooms if you wanted to brave it.

[yaaas_queen]

[She doesn't sound thrilled exactly, but she would have been telling you "No offense but you suck" if you didn't invite her. So, yes, this is Nice]

It sounded like I would have to co-habitate with someone no matter what. At least in this case I'm with people I know and could reasonably tolerate. Also, you would need me for any future epic parties.

[pop_of_color]

I'd threaten you if you left me alone with them, probably.

[She sounds like she's grinning at this.] Yeah, for sure. Fucking shame you missed the first one, but we'll do it up with the next one.

[yaaas_queen]

It can coincide with my welcoming celebration. Then we can have a whole dining room thrown into the wall.



Only not because that would destabilize the house completely.

[pop_of_color]

Yeah, let's avoid bringing the entire fucking house down. But we can break some shit. Like when Boyle took us to that abandoned restaurant for my bachelorette party.