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The following is an excerpt from my new portfolio. Per the advice of many of you in my last network posting, I'm applying to be a critical intern (or an intern for a critic, whichever of those is the proper way of saying it).

MEDICINE: The Alar Space

In what appears to be a spectacular failure of God, evolution, or your other choice of anatomical inception, the alar space is one of the human body's great vulnerabilities. This is a specific region in the neck directly surrounded by bone and other parts, rendering it extremely difficult to apply medicine to, while disease can easily attack many other body parts from there. It is regarded by physicians as a very dangerous area to get an infection. Anyone who happens to think that Creation or evolution are any sort of brilliant and highly deliberate processes leading to a final design of humans that have left and right symmetry, the head on top, two legs, and all that, is mistaken. Possibly even vain. Necks are badly inefficient. We could be better off shaped like blocks.

ART: The Flying Buttress

Excessive and usually repetitive. Not nearly as attractive or atmospheric as designers tend to think that they are. Apart from the need to fix up old walls that have been damaged, a traditional buttress would bear more weight, while doorways, arches, and gazebos would likewise open up more space. The overall effect is something like a mutant spider that should have died in the egg shortly after conceiving. Also incredibly unhygienic. I have seen such pigeon leavings accumulated on all the little nooks, and there are so many nooks. There are better ways to accomplish mystique.

FOOD: Bacon

The phenomenon of direly over-fried thin slices of salty pork continues to pose one of the greatest mysteries of this era. It appears that people of this nation often enjoy it heated to the point that it has blackened edges and a shriveled, wooden consistency that shatters when impacted with a fork. It is too salty, in the opinion of both health officials and anybody who understands that balance is key to taste. I applaud the efforts of some people to redeem bacon, often by wrapping other food items in the bacon, such as grilled pineapple, roasted carrots, and sugar-glazed chicken. Let's be honest. At this stage, bacon could really use intelligent and dedicated advocates.

VEHICLES: Two-Door Four (or Five) Seat Cars

Asinine. At the very least, the doors ought to be bigger. In our day, carriages were logically built.

LANGUAGE: "The Golden Rule"

Poorly named. If it were really made out of gold, people would remember it and apply it to transactions with other people. Instead, it's a vague, conceptual 'shaming meme' that most of us seem to find considerably less hilarious than photographs of dogs that have got their heads stuck in window blinds.

I am eager for feedback. Merci!