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[kidsmenu]

The following is an excerpt from my new portfolio. Per the advice of many of you in my last network posting, I'm applying to be a critical intern (or an intern for a critic, whichever of those is the proper way of saying it).

MEDICINE: The Alar Space

In what appears to be a spectacular failure of God, evolution, or your other choice of anatomical inception, the alar space is one of the human body's great vulnerabilities. This is a specific region in the neck directly surrounded by bone and other parts, rendering it extremely difficult to apply medicine to, while disease can easily attack many other body parts from there. It is regarded by physicians as a very dangerous area to get an infection. Anyone who happens to think that Creation or evolution are any sort of brilliant and highly deliberate processes leading to a final design of humans that have left and right symmetry, the head on top, two legs, and all that, is mistaken. Possibly even vain. Necks are badly inefficient. We could be better off shaped like blocks.

ART: The Flying Buttress

Excessive and usually repetitive. Not nearly as attractive or atmospheric as designers tend to think that they are. Apart from the need to fix up old walls that have been damaged, a traditional buttress would bear more weight, while doorways, arches, and gazebos would likewise open up more space. The overall effect is something like a mutant spider that should have died in the egg shortly after conceiving. Also incredibly unhygienic. I have seen such pigeon leavings accumulated on all the little nooks, and there are so many nooks. There are better ways to accomplish mystique.

FOOD: Bacon

The phenomenon of direly over-fried thin slices of salty pork continues to pose one of the greatest mysteries of this era. It appears that people of this nation often enjoy it heated to the point that it has blackened edges and a shriveled, wooden consistency that shatters when impacted with a fork. It is too salty, in the opinion of both health officials and anybody who understands that balance is key to taste. I applaud the efforts of some people to redeem bacon, often by wrapping other food items in the bacon, such as grilled pineapple, roasted carrots, and sugar-glazed chicken. Let's be honest. At this stage, bacon could really use intelligent and dedicated advocates.

VEHICLES: Two-Door Four (or Five) Seat Cars

Asinine. At the very least, the doors ought to be bigger. In our day, carriages were logically built.

LANGUAGE: "The Golden Rule"

Poorly named. If it were really made out of gold, people would remember it and apply it to transactions with other people. Instead, it's a vague, conceptual 'shaming meme' that most of us seem to find considerably less hilarious than photographs of dogs that have got their heads stuck in window blinds.

I am eager for feedback. Merci!

Comments

[text]

[cigarbribery]

[oh no too cute Foggy will die]

First of all, bacon is delicious and deserves its place as a staple of American dishes.

Second, you're doing pretty well! Did you find a critic to intern with yet? They'd love you, I'm sure.

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[kidsmenu]

I'm concerned about your health. What about eggs? Don't you like eggs?

Thank you very much! I have struck up conversation with a few different people. You were quite right, they were concerned I am too young. Even though I'm an ImPort.

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[cigarbribery]

I'll make a case for eggs, but also consider: bacon and eggs. They're perfectly complementary.

Yeah, that's going to happen a lot. You'd have to prove to them that if they hire you, the work they'll be giving you won't interfere with your schoolwork.

[kidsmenu]

They look pretty plated together. But in my opinion, it takes more than squishy soft eggs to take away from the brittle, over-salted mess of bacon.

You know very much about it. Are you a driver of interns yourself?

[cigarbribery]

Bacon is a crisp, mouth-watering delight. I will acknowledge there's the possibility of overdoing it on the seasoning or the flavor, but that's not the bacon's fault, that's the cook's.

I used to be an intern myself at a law firm, along with my friend Matt. Now I've got two interns and no actual employees.

[youresovein]

There's something curious about asking for critique of your critique, don't you think?

[kidsmenu]

Curious in a good way, surely.

[S U R E L Y]

[youresovein]

Don't worry, my darling, this isn't criticism.

[kidsmenu]

What did you think?

About the work itself.

I can take criticism, you know.

[She didn't kill all her piano teachers. Probably.]

text; username dh4z3

[nastygram]

ok before i can give feedback

what's your handle going 2 be

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[kidsmenu]

I thought I would write under my name. Claudia de Lioncourt.

Do you not think so?

[nastygram]

omg no
FIRST OF ALL, no real names
SECOND you NEED to have some bitchy handle
preferably clever but the kind of clever where it's funny the first time and then not as funny the second

internet crit law #1

[kidsmenu]

You seem to know a lot about it. Hmm.
A 'handle.' It's not meant to sound like a real name them. A descriptor or a symbol of some sort.

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[killtime]

i was just telling your father how clever i think you are

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[kidsmenu]

Which father do you speak of?

It's lovely to hear from you again.

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[killtime]

the convivial one

its lovely to hear from you too

[kidsmenu]

Oh, that one. Merci, for your compliment.

How did that go? Talking to Lestat.

[FUNNY RELATIONSHIP THEY'VE GOT.]

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[monsterdoc]

A very well done presentation. A nice if short critical analysis of each item. Have you considered applying to become an intern with a scientific organization, instead?

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[kidsmenu]

Merci, monsieur! That is certainly what I was trying to do.

The thought had not crossed my mind. Though I did meet a very accomplished scientist who told me she wanted to be one even before she was my age.

[She's like, literally decades older than Cosima, but whatever.]

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[monsterdoc]

Many organizations have internships for younger science-oriented people, and apprenticeships, even. I think you should consider, if you can and are willing, examine the standards and practices of scientific writing and business here in this world, and maybe you could find a job in critical scientific analysis.

if such would be to your interest. You have an apparently keen mind, and a skilled application of logic. I, for one, would be curious to see what you do next.


[ Bruce was one of those children, as well. ]

im crying from happiness

[kidsmenu]

[That

is the most exceptional compliment Claudia has ever received. And she's a vain little creature, but a lifetime of concealing her personality meant she was usually complimented for being adorable, good at piano, well-behaved...]

You don't know my father, do you? YOu haven't spoken to him about all this.

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[notyourfathersosborn]

It's very well-written.

And I definitely agree with you about bacon. "Crispy" bacon is way too popular these days, and I don't understand why people want to eat burned scraps of what can barely be qualified as meat at that point.

If you don't mind me asking, what about the good things in what you mentioned? Despite the name, criticism isn't just about going after the bad, but also praising the good. People read critics reviews to get a better idea about something, whether it's movies or food or flying buttresses.

screeches i love this response!

[kidsmenu]

[There's a rather lengthy pause.]

That sounds entirely reasonable.

[So much so that she can't even recoil with stung pride.]

I suppose that's true. I am currently having a bit of a debate with Foggy Nelson about the virtues of bacon, and he just told me I ought to ask someone else to cook some for me. I suppose it's true.

<333

[notyourfathersosborn]

Foggy, huh?

He's kind of my step-dad. Sort of. Not him, exactly. Him in another universe.

It's complicated.

[Most of Normie's life is complicated.]

He's a good guy, and has the right idea.

But back to the matter at hand, you should. Think of it as an assignment. What's the good? What's the bad? Does it inspire any kind of emotion? Paint a picture with your words. Your writing is great, I'm sure you'd do an excellent job.

[kidsmenu]

Thank you.

Perhaps at some point I will review the mathematics. And from there, who knows?

[The robot army knows.]

Your life sounds complicated, but I've got a stepfather as well, actually.

Have you claimed Foggy as your stepfather here?