Jeff "Joker" Moreau (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
boneitis) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenace2015-12-15 09:07 pm
boneitis) wrote in maskormenace2015-12-15 09:07 pm
Entry tags:
- † commander shepard | blasto,
- † d'artagnan | n/a,
- † garrus vakarian | n/a,
- † hisoka the magician | n/a,
- † jacob taylor | the protector,
- † jeff 'joker' moreau | n/a,
- † kaidan alenko | sentinel,
- † kasumi goto | n/a,
- † marian hawke | andraste's mabari,
- † max caulfield | n/a,
- † olivier armstrong | ice queen,
- † reggie mantle | n/a,
- † sera | your mum's tits,
- † thane krios | the assassin,
- † wally west | kid flash
Transmission 003 | video
[If there had ever been a reason to cut Joker off from alcohol forever, it is now.]
[When the feed clicks on, it's fairly obvious that he's in a bar-- there's a certain bar-like quality to the area behind him, which is what fills most of the screen. He's apparently not very good at aiming when he's at this stage of stupid drunk, and he's pointing the camera mostly at about half his hat.]
[Ladies and gentleman, this man helped save the galaxy.]
So, y'know what?
[No, but he's going to tell everyone, regardless of whether they want to know.]
I got a lotta questions. You'd think I'd know everything about my crew by now, right?
[So apparently this drunk dial was meant for the Normandy crew, but Joker either is too drunk or can't be bothered (or both) to actually call them up and is just going to fire this off into the ether. Congratulations, everyone, he is en-masse drunk dialing for specific people.]
Hey, Alenko. Alenko. So. So. So you and Shepard are a thing, right? [He makes a circle out of his thumb and index finger and jabs the index of his other hand through it like that's a socially acceptable way to gesture about someone's relationship.] I kind of want to know when that became a thing, because I don't remember that being a thing and I totally would've because holy fucking shit EDI cannot keep anything secret, the shit I have seen...
[He briefly stares off into the middle distance like he's having a war flashback.]
The battery will never be clean again.
[Is he going to explain what he means by that? No. No, he isn't.]
...but there's something more important that I need to know.
[Here it comes.]
How good is Shepard in the sack? [Clearly this is going to be one of those kinds of calls.] Because if he's half as good as the porn vids say, good job, Alenko. Also, either Shepard's got a lot to explain to all of us, or somebody's real good at plastic surgery and there are some crazy-dedicated porn actors, just sayin'.
[There's a moment of blissful silence as Joker knocks back a glass of... something. Whatever it is, it gets him drunk and that's all he cares about.]
And how does turian tailoring work? Like, just... structurally. And why's it so fucking hideous? I mean, why did nobody think to weaponize Garrus' shitty turtlenecks? I get that it'd be cruel and unusual, but desperate times.
[When the feed clicks on, it's fairly obvious that he's in a bar-- there's a certain bar-like quality to the area behind him, which is what fills most of the screen. He's apparently not very good at aiming when he's at this stage of stupid drunk, and he's pointing the camera mostly at about half his hat.]
[Ladies and gentleman, this man helped save the galaxy.]
So, y'know what?
[No, but he's going to tell everyone, regardless of whether they want to know.]
I got a lotta questions. You'd think I'd know everything about my crew by now, right?
[So apparently this drunk dial was meant for the Normandy crew, but Joker either is too drunk or can't be bothered (or both) to actually call them up and is just going to fire this off into the ether. Congratulations, everyone, he is en-masse drunk dialing for specific people.]
Hey, Alenko. Alenko. So. So. So you and Shepard are a thing, right? [He makes a circle out of his thumb and index finger and jabs the index of his other hand through it like that's a socially acceptable way to gesture about someone's relationship.] I kind of want to know when that became a thing, because I don't remember that being a thing and I totally would've because holy fucking shit EDI cannot keep anything secret, the shit I have seen...
[He briefly stares off into the middle distance like he's having a war flashback.]
The battery will never be clean again.
[Is he going to explain what he means by that? No. No, he isn't.]
...but there's something more important that I need to know.
[Here it comes.]
How good is Shepard in the sack? [Clearly this is going to be one of those kinds of calls.] Because if he's half as good as the porn vids say, good job, Alenko. Also, either Shepard's got a lot to explain to all of us, or somebody's real good at plastic surgery and there are some crazy-dedicated porn actors, just sayin'.
[There's a moment of blissful silence as Joker knocks back a glass of... something. Whatever it is, it gets him drunk and that's all he cares about.]
And how does turian tailoring work? Like, just... structurally. And why's it so fucking hideous? I mean, why did nobody think to weaponize Garrus' shitty turtlenecks? I get that it'd be cruel and unusual, but desperate times.
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Dear God. There are some things no man should ever know about his friends. Exactly how much have you had to drink?
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[Also, that question is a lot harder to answer than it should be. Joker has to think about it for a couple of seconds, then starts counting on his fingers for a bit before shrugging.]
I dunno. Somewhere between many and lots.
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[ There are levels of what it's okay to do, Joker. This is not even close, okay. ]
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[More like not sure how to stop.]
I'm not laying out anybody's private lives, anyway. It's not a secret that Alenko and Shepard have shacked up, so if you think that they don't do the horizontal hustle, I don't know what to tell you, you sweet summer child.
video
Why should I care what they do? Most couples sleep together. It’s nothing that involves anyone other than them. If you still want them to be speaking to you in the morning, I suggest you go and sleep this off.
Trust me, I’m trying to help you.
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[No, no you aren't, Joker, and it's a miracle that anyone likes you at all.]
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[ There was also an incident with fish, wasn't there? ]
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[Joker stands by all previous Shepard namedropping.]
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All I'm saying is, I've never met the man, and I'm aware of both his sex life and the likelihood he'll murder sea creatures. Do you really think that's how he'd like people to think of him?