Transmission 003 | video

[boneitis]

[If there had ever been a reason to cut Joker off from alcohol forever, it is now.]

[When the feed clicks on, it's fairly obvious that he's in a bar-- there's a certain bar-like quality to the area behind him, which is what fills most of the screen. He's apparently not very good at aiming when he's at this stage of stupid drunk, and he's pointing the camera mostly at about half his hat.]

[Ladies and gentleman, this man helped save the galaxy.]

So, y'know what?

[No, but he's going to tell everyone, regardless of whether they want to know.]

I got a lotta questions. You'd think I'd know everything about my crew by now, right?

[So apparently this drunk dial was meant for the Normandy crew, but Joker either is too drunk or can't be bothered (or both) to actually call them up and is just going to fire this off into the ether. Congratulations, everyone, he is en-masse drunk dialing for specific people.]

Hey, Alenko. Alenko. So. So. So you and Shepard are a thing, right? [He makes a circle out of his thumb and index finger and jabs the index of his other hand through it like that's a socially acceptable way to gesture about someone's relationship.] I kind of want to know when that became a thing, because I don't remember that being a thing and I totally would've because holy fucking shit EDI cannot keep anything secret, the shit I have seen...

[He briefly stares off into the middle distance like he's having a war flashback.]

The battery will never be clean again.

[Is he going to explain what he means by that? No. No, he isn't.]

...but there's something more important that I need to know.

[Here it comes.]

How good is Shepard in the sack? [Clearly this is going to be one of those kinds of calls.] Because if he's half as good as the porn vids say, good job, Alenko. Also, either Shepard's got a lot to explain to all of us, or somebody's real good at plastic surgery and there are some crazy-dedicated porn actors, just sayin'.

[There's a moment of blissful silence as Joker knocks back a glass of... something. Whatever it is, it gets him drunk and that's all he cares about.]

And how does turian tailoring work? Like, just... structurally. And why's it so fucking hideous? I mean, why did nobody think to weaponize Garrus' shitty turtlenecks? I get that it'd be cruel and unusual, but desperate times.

Comments

1/3 VIDEO

[kanadian]

Uh --

2/3 VIDEO

[kanadian]

[ Slowly, his face morphs. Eyebrows drawn, mouth narrowed into a line, pinched, drawn down at the corners of his mouth, lip curled. His eyes narrow.

He looks really, really, really constipated.


And maybe just slightly pink. ]

3/3 VIDEO

[kanadian]

Joker --

[ It's dangerous. Almost dangerous. It's still Kaidan Alenko, so it's not That dangerous. ]

What the --

[ He can't even finish. He's literally that mad. ]

[video]

[timecapture]

Uh... are you sure you should talk about your friends like that?

[They might not appreciate it.]

[boneitis]

Like what?

[The assumption here is that Joker gives a single solitary fuck, which he does not.]

[video]

[wasnever]

Dunno why you didn't just call one of 'em, but thank you.

[Sorry to Kaidan and Shep but she'll be popcorn.gif at this whole thing.]

How many uh, dirty videos are there of your friend anyway? Not that I'd ever want to watch them, but it's funny.

[video]

[boneitis]

That would require me to push more buttons and give a fuck.

[Joker is out of fucks left to give. He has used all of his available fucks on other things and now everyone else has to deal with the fallout.]

[He snorts at the question, like it's funny.]

More'n I wanted to watch. Like, the first couple are hilarious, but after that it's just you watching porn of your boss and it starts getting weird.

Video

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

[There's a looooooong pause as Jacob realizes that this is what he's been Ported back in to.]

I'm thinking you've had enough, Joker. How about you tell me where you are and I'll come give you a ride home?

Video

[boneitis]

Hi, Taylor. Lookit you, all here and shit. Glad you didn't fuck off into the sunset or something.

[He approves of Jacob being around. Good... for him?]

[Joker dismisses his offer of a ride with a wave of his hand that also happens to be holding the camera, so hopefully nobody gets seasick too easily, because that video feed is going to be all over the place for a couple of seconds.]

I'm good, I'm good. Hey, hey, did you ever see Lawson hungover? 'Cause I'm trying to picture it and the closest I can get is an angry raccoon with big teeth.

voice;

[sassguard]

[ Somebody's already offered Joker the ride home, so Shepard's not going to, and there's a wealth of embarrassment to be had in answering Joker's question directly (as attested to by the performance Kaidan's already giving the network), so Shepard opts to dodge it: ]

So you can get drunk, after all.

[ As to how long it'll take before his healing factor burns it off, that's another story. Then again, are Drunk Asshole Joker and Normal Asshole Joker really all that distinguishable from each other? ]

voice;

[boneitis]

With great dedication and whatever the fuck this is, yeah.

[It might be paint cleaner. It sure smells like paint cleaner. Someone come and save his liver from himself before he actually destroys it, healing factor be damned.]

So, hey, y'know, I oughtta be fair with my questions. How's Alenko with the horizontal hustle? It's always the nice ones that're into the weird shit.

[VIDEO]

[calibrating]

[That would be the biggest, heftiest sigh coming from over here, as Garrus nestles his face into his palm, and massages his temples in the universal gesture of 'goddammit, Joker']

This is why Mordin should've put a chip in your neck when he had the chance.

[VIDEO]

[boneitis]

What, he didn't already? Totally thought he did that already.

[But would it really help? Then they'd just know where he was making all of his bad decisions, it wouldn't actually stop the bad decisions from being made. Joker is an unending river of poor life choices, swift and unstoppable.]

And hey, you would know. How does turian tailoring work, because seriously, with your hip-to-waist ratio and freaky gams, I can't figure out how you get your pants on.

[And here comes yet another stretch of the poor life choices river.]

VIDEO.

[mantlepieces]

[ The most horrified of expressions. WHAT THE-- ]

You really think everyone wants to hear about how your friends were in a gay porno? That you watched?

VIDEO.

[boneitis]

Excuse you, I never said they were gay pornos. Though, statistically speaking, I watched enough of 'em that the probability that at least one was is probably pretty close to one.

[Joker that did not address the question at all.]

video

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi will obviously pick out the most important bit of this to comment on: ]

Garrus' turtlenecks aren't that bad. I mean, what else can they do with turian anatomy shaped the way it is?

--And what happened at the Battery? [ she has to know. ]

video

[boneitis]

I dunno, waistcoats?

[They have tiny enough waists for it.]

[But at the mention of the battery, the thousand yard stare returns to Joker's face with a vengeance. Why would you do this to him, Kasumi? Hasn't he suffered enough?]

It can't be unseen, Kasumi. It can't be unseen.

video

[mousquetaire]

[ Why would anyone ever? ]

Dear God. There are some things no man should ever know about his friends. Exactly how much have you had to drink?

video

[boneitis]

[Because Joker, that's why.]

[Also, that question is a lot harder to answer than it should be. Joker has to think about it for a couple of seconds, then starts counting on his fingers for a bit before shrugging.]

I dunno. Somewhere between many and lots.

video;

[chancetoatone]

[The Drell just looks confused.]

Why is that something you need to know, Joker?

video;

[boneitis]

Y'know, Krios, maybe I just want knowledge for knowledge's sake.

[That is the biggest load of bullshit, he's just an asshole.]

video

[runningstart]

Maybe you should call all the people you want to ask these questions and get them on a daytime talk show. Like Oprah or Maury. Springer if you think it'll get violent. I really think the atmosphere will help uh, facilitate communication.

video

[boneitis]

Work, work, work.

[Excuse you, Joker is a lazy asshole and that shit sounds like it'll require actually doing something.]

Besides, I have Alenko's face turning purple and constipated recorded for all posterity. My work here is done.

text

[debauchewy]

how 4ward, 2 ask something like that on the network, couldnt u just ask him in person? not that im against it, please continue. ♥

[Honestly the reactions in here alone are great.]

text

[boneitis]

yeah i could do a lot of things but this is more fun for me

its drinks and a show

i get to see just how constipated alenko can look

[whathawksdo]

And here we have an unfortunate drunk, moments from death by biotics.

Are we allowed to take bets on who gets to you first?

[boneitis]

Psh, please. If either of them was going to like biotic punch me into the stratosphere or something, it'd have happened ages ago.

But if you're starting a betting pool, I want in on it.

[darwinatrix]

Flight Lieutenant. You're embarrassing yourself.

[boneitis]

Probably.

[At least he's aware of it?]

But tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still have a stick up your ass, so.