THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 20TH, 2016

COOL STORY, BRO
As seen in weekly newspapers and the De Chima local news:
ImPort Leonard Snart got a chilly shock earlier this month when he was arrested for breaking into Wayne Technologies. The cold-hearted criminal is chilling out after being thrown into the cooler in De Chima. When asked to comment on his criminal activity, Mr. Snart gave us the cold shoulder before announcing that he was "full of beans - cool beans, actually" before frostily announcing he would unearth the coward who framed him.

Leonard Snart has since been released from police custody. He was perhaps glad to have his freedom, since when one reporter asked Snart what killed the dinosaurs, he simply said "the ice age".

TIME TO DO DIS-NAE NAE
As seen in advertisements and articles in newspapers, magazines, online, etc:
The happiest place on Earth is going to be the spookiest place on Earth this Halloween! Disney is offering special rates for its Magical Express between the city of Nonah, North Carolina and Disney World, Alabama. So take a day trip and have fun at Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party!

Disney also announced a special deal for imPorts: agree to take pictures or sign autographs for the park guests and your trip is free.

A-HOLE IN ONE
As seen on national news:
Ronald Chump announced that he will be spending the next two weeks in Toronto, Canada, for the grand opening of his hotel and eight golf courses. The hotel will be one of the largest in the world, expanding to a total of 7,200 suites and intertwining between the corresponding golf courses. Bwitter user kittyjones4pres questioned if this would in fact interrupt the flow of imPorts, citing a popular conspiracy theory that Ronald Chump is the humanoid shell of the mysteriously powered Porter.

PUNCHING DRUNK LOVE
As seen on Bwitter, Rumblr, Deddit, and morning news shows:
ImPort-themed Halloween costumes are always flying off the shelves this time of year, but after last month's events, there's one top seller standing out above the rest. Halloween parties are promising to be packed with these Inferior Iron Men, dressed in shoddy and battle damaged costumes that parody the armored Avenger. Many costumers online have been customizing with bruised makeup and "kick me" signs. One poster on Deddit constructed a full facsimile of Tony Stark's armor out of cardboard, and promises to use his new-found flying abilities to bumble drunkenly through the De Chima skies.

This Halloween is proving to be one to keep an eye out for, and Lulzfeed is planning to hold a contest where visitors can vote on the best Inferior Iron Man sighting.

URBAN LEGEND
As seen in local newspapers, along with the usual rumor-mongering online chatter:
Police are investigating the mysterious death of a young woman in downtown Nonah. Eyewitness reports are scattered, but all agree that on October 18, 2:19 PM a truck hit an unidentified female and a tiger, then flew into the air to land on the woman again. She was pronounced dead at the scene. The tiger appeared to be a Blickablake model from the ImPocreat line and emerged relatively unscathed from the accident.

The driver of the truck, Lief Olesen, could not be reached for comment, having suddenly decided to pursue a lifelong dream of going off the grid and living completely secluded from society.

The body was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital, where it disappeared seemingly of its own accord before an autopsy could be performed. Rumors are already circulating that the residents of the now infamous haunted alleyway are beginning to step past Maurtia Falls' boundaries - or worse, that the rash of bizarre murders has continued unabated. While officials have quashed the outlandish claims, even they are forced to admit that they have no earthly idea how a corpse could remove itself from a morgue with no witnesses.

Authorities believe that the ImPocreat's master may be involved in both incidents, having been seen by many arguing with the woman just before the truck allegedly took to the skies. An anonymous source has provided a photograph of the individual, and anyone with information concerning his identity or that of the victim is encouraged to contact the Nonah police.

HOW STARR-TLING!
As seen on Bwitter, Rumblr, Deddit:
Employees at Starrware, co-founded by imPort Karen Starr, were taken by surprise as their co-CEO was seen dragging an older man out of their offices. According to witnesses, the man, known as The Doctor and another imPort, had shown up around noon in the building and begun behaving suspiciously. When asked to cite his reasons for being in the building, the Doctor explained that he did not trust Ms. Starr and wanted to check her research for temporal anomalies as well as “really obvious baddie stuff.”

Ms. Starr had apparently requested he leave, but he remained insistent on examining every inch of the building. The two were reported to have gotten into a heated accident before Ms. Starr was seen punching the Doctor and physically and roughly escorting him out of the building herself.

“I like Karen, she’s smart,” says one employee who wished to remain anonymous. “But she isn’t very… womanly, you know? She should have let security do their job. I think she was rough on the old man.”

NOT A PERSE-PHONY
As seen on Rumblr, Bwitter, Deddit, Photogram, and the nightly news:
An imPort named Persephone (who claims to be THAT Persephone) is putting on concerts that she refers to as "communions." While most attendees just fucking love her music, there have been reports of fans collapsing, suffering panic attacks, having visions, traumatic flashbacks, or even becoming enraptured with religious fervor while she sings. Probably more than a view BlueTube videos of people freaking out- but the audio on the recordings are completely garbled. Kids coming out of her shows are claimed to be more aggressive/likely to cause mischief than before they went in.

Others are claiming that she does not sing and that there is no music, only a girl in tacky clothes standing on stage and chanting in tongues.

In short, reviews are extremely mixed, but tickets are none-the-less selling like hot cakes.

ELECTION DYSFUNCTION
As seen leaked on Bwitter:
Rumor has it that the upcoming imPort Ambassador forums will involve a limited number of imPort-submitted questions. Oh my!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from DESPERATELY WRONG BEIGE to MODERATELY SKEPTICAL PINK because pink makes the eye squint (in a conjunctivitis way).

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

permatext

[deadtective]

He could've taken it anyway, don't worry. I've tested it.

[boobwindow]

Oh, good. I'll remember it the next time he decides to trespass.

[deadtective]

Do me a favor and put him in a couple casts whenever he tries to climb through your window. It'll make it easier to lock him in the house.

[boobwindow]

So is he a friend of yours or...?

[deadtective]

Nah, he's just my grandpa.

[Hazel completely neglects to mention that neither of them are related by blood, but who cares about petty details like that.]

[boobwindow]

... really.

[deadtective]

It's a fucking terrifying reality, I know.

[the implication that someone was willing to do the deed with the Doctor is...yeah, she feels you, Karen.]

[boobwindow]

Do you mind telling him then trespassing is illegal?

[deadtective]

I can tell him, but hell's gonna freeze over before he listens. He's not really smart when it comes to learning his fucking lesson.

[boobwindow]

[ She's starting to miss when he was the other Doctor. ]

He can't just barge in and accuse my business of illegal doing.

[deadtective]

[if it makes her feel better Hazel has had to punch every incarnation that's shown up here so far]

He can if you leave the door open. Or easily jimmied.

[boobwindow]

Tell your grandpa if he does it again I'm really going to break his fingers so he can't jimmy anything.

[deadtective]

Is that a promise or just tough talk?

[PLEASE BE A PROMISE]

[helpline]

You're on Team Doctor, Hazel. At least act like it!

[deadtective]

Of course I am! Look how tough I'm pretending you are.

[helpline]

No you're not! I can read up there, you're telling Karen to break my legs!

[deadtective]

And your neck. I need maximum wheelchair time here.

[helpline]

As long as I've still got my arms, I think I can manage. Otherwise you're going to have to push the wheelchair around and I honestly don't think you could manage doing that for more than five minutes.

[deadtective]

I dunno, I could probably set you up like a mobile. Or we could just go with the full body cast since you really seem to want it.

[helpline]

You'd want me to have a little bit of mobility. Otherwise I'll just be shouty and fussy all day.

[deadtective]

So basically no change whatsoever.

[helpline]

Exactly. So why even bother in the first place? Too much effort.

[deadtective]

Think you mean no effort at all - I'm not the one who's gonna be kicking your ass.

[helpline]

But Karen's seen this conversation and really, there's no net gain for breaking my limbs. She's smart. She knows this.

[deadtective]

She's smart and she's met you. I'm still pretty confident it'll all work out for me.