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[yilingdaddy]

[ By all appearances, Wuxian looks as perky and cheerful as always. Maybe those who know him best would see past the smile to the sorrow and depression that's a constant companion. ]

So! Shijie, Jiang Cheng, and I are going to be shopping for our first dinner in the new house. It's coming up quick and she thought a nice dinner for everyone would be nice.

[ Yep, little brother, you have been voluntold to help get groceries. ]

If anyone has a special dish they want made, let one of us know.

Comments

[dazzlingdream]

I wield circumstance for understanding.

My heart is not dead.

Meager? By your standards perhaps.

I have, haven't I?

[ze_uwu_jun]

Please remember that even a life ruined is not a life owed for you to take, Meng Yao. Nor the life on an innocent.

[dazzlingdream]

I never said it was correct, Zewu-Jun. The crime is obvious, but I did not spring to life in a void.

[ze_uwu_jun]

Nor did those who stood in your way.

[ He can continue to ask. But Maiden Jiang may not... need to learn some of the things Xichen wishes to ask, just yet. But, truly, had the women that Meng Yao silenced after using them to kill his father - had they had an easier life than him? ]

I do not think you will be able to persuade anyone that you have changed until you know why what you said is upsetting.

Least of all my brother.

[dazzlingdream]

I was blind and cruel. I spend my every waking moment regretting how I handled my pain.

[Going for the throat solves nothing. Just because he can do something doesn't mean he should.]

The loss of life is something to mourn. I understand.

Jin Ling lives - thank goodness - but he is lost to me unless he returns to these cities.

[ze_uwu_jun]

You words to Jiang Wanyin did not reflect that in the least.

[dazzlingdream]

He and I have an antagonistic relationship. I sometimes think he is difficult for the sake of it.

[ze_uwu_jun]

Do not look to his actions. Only yours.

Your insistence to hide behind others, to claim you had no choice and the choices were those of others. That was your path to how bad things got.

Do not walk it again.

[dazzlingdream]

I am hiding behind no one. If I am to be accused again and again of my crimes, am I to remain silent? How will anyone understand me better?

Isn't it sad that this is the foundation on which I have to build?

[ze_uwu_jun]

You said that she is not a detestable lech, a lady I have deflowered or the product of incest.

It implies that you have the right to take the life of a lady of your kin that you have deflowered. That you have the right to take the life of a child.

This is the foundation that we see.

If you wish to compare, to try and see why that makes others angry, consider this: I do not think that I have the right to the life that I took.

[dazzlingdream]

No!

I never said I had the right. Never. No one has the right to take a life.

Not like that.

I know where I erred! My point was: the Lady Jiang is as far from those circumstances as a star from a piece of grass! Her brother needn't worry.

[ze_uwu_jun]

[ Xichen is just so tired. He doesn't need to be in the same city as his brother to know how furious Wangji is. And he knows that he will keep his promise, but the promise had a condition.

And the condition is for Xichen to retain his clarity of sight. If Wangji believes he is being deceived again, then he is free to act as he wishes. Xichen knows what that intent is.

He wants Wangji to be able to trust him.

He wants to ease Meng Yao's pain, too.

When did he allow himself to once again want? Did he not learn that it never leads to anything good? ]

I think he will worry while there are circumstances at all that seeking her position relative to is what you bring up.

Because while there are such circumstances, there will always be the suspicion that another circumstances might appear which she is part of. Circumstances you might decide on.

I know that good things do not happen quickly, while bad ones do. Good ways to think of things and people take time to build up, but can be reduced to dust overnight.

But, please... please. Keep trying.

[secondjade]

You live, you breathe, you speak, you keep your freedom.

Meagre.

Your heart is not my concern.

[dazzlingdream]

Physical pain is nothing compared to pain of the heart.

Don't concern yourself with it; just understand the wound.

[secondjade]

[ The pure, white hot rage that sweeps through Wangji is so intense he cracks the glass of the screen of his communicator. ]

You are not owed understanding.

You are not owed sympathy.

You owe everything, and are owed nothing.

Moan of your heart again and I will remove it from you.

[dazzlingdream]

[Goodness, Hanguang-Jun.]

Let us be frank:

There is no way forward for you and I. I understand and I feel no anger towards you. However I have not given up on reaching others.

Watch and protect as you see fit, but if someone - well-informed - does not wish to trample me to dust under their foot, let them live with that decision. It is my duty to see they do not regret it.

[secondjade]

[ read: 2:49 pm ]

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[blackwaterchild]

[It feels strange. Like ice landing in her stomach and in her veins. She looks from the screen to Wangji at the sound of the crack and while she doesn’t feel afraid, she certainly feels unease.]

Dad?

[She pauses and then wanders over to his side, reaching out to lay a hand on him, fingers curling lightly around his wrist as she looks at him with a brow furrowed in concern.

‘I’m here, it’s okay, ground yourself,’ she seems to be trying to quietly convey]

[secondjade]

[ He forces himself to close his eyes. Draw one breath in, let one breath out. Picture himself in the cold spring, calming ice spreading through his veins.

It was only once he had himself back under control, several seconds later, that he opened his eyes and turned his head to where Miu was watching him, worry streaked across her face, hand on his wrist. ]

... Mm. Apologies.

[blackwaterchild]

[She remains there for a moment or two longer before she slowly moves to hug his arm, resting her head against his shoulder. For a long time she says nothing, just leaning on him in comfort, but after a bit she has to speak up.]

I... want to see him. I want to talk to them and see what he has to say. [She squeezes his arm a little.] If it’s in person, I can...

[Miu trails off a moment and turns her face to sort of hide it against his arm.] ...I can tell if he’s lying. I can...read his mind. I can tell if he’s sincere or not. That’s... got to be worth something, right...?

[secondjade]

[ He let her curl there, let her rest her body against him, though he didn't reciprocate the touch. The allowance was more than he granted most of the entire world: it would have to be enough.

He isn't surprised she wishes to speak to him, even though it makes something twist in his gut. He sees the effect Meng Yao's words have on others. Sometimes he wonders if he is the only one who's pain has given him an immunity. He hates the idea of Meng Yao twisting deeper into Miu's heart, the way he twisted into Jin Ling's. The way he keeps trying to twist back into his brother's. But he cannot force upon her who she can and cannot speak with. What she can and cannot witness.

He will not tell her what is black and what is white.

But when she continues, something else tugs at his mind and his brow pinches. ]

Read his mind?

[blackwaterchild]

[She flinches and then lets him go, taking a step back as she draws her arms around herself in a defensive hug.]

...I never told you. I didn’t... I was afraid if I did, you wouldn’t let me hug you anymore, or anything like that. [She scuffs her foot against the ground, but then takes a breath and straightens a little, setting her jaw firmly. She wasn’t about to play at being meek or ashamed of her powers now.]

That ability of mine that I use against spirits? Experiencing their deaths and all that? It works on the living too. Ever since I was small, I could see into peoples’ hearts and minds if I touched them. I... can’t really turn it off, exactly, but it’s... I can ignore it now. Sometimes... the ability itself activates and I can see someone’s memories too—usually it’s whatever’s their most traumatic one. I’ll take that too.

[A pause and her strength wavers somewhat, uncertain and curling uncomfortably in her stomach.] ...I didn’t want you to hate me. So I didn’t say anything. I thought... it’d be fine if you just never knew... Because I can mostly control it.

[secondjade]

[ He doesn't say anything for a long moment, simply watching her. He knows this is one of Wei Wuxian's biggest frustrations - his need for time to process, his inability to speak before he knows what must be spoken. And this is no small admittance.

Empathy. For the living. That was what she was describing. Just as he had known that was what she had been describing when speaking of the dead. Empathy, or something quite like it.

He watches her for a long time, his face impassive.

He had thought she simply had an uncanny ability to understand him. Like his brother, but nature given rather than nurtured over their entire lives. Ah. That was naive of him, he realises now. A child's hope of being understood without question.

His eyes drop, watching her arms as she hugs herself.

She thought his heart so fickle that this would waver him?

He should say something. He knows he should. He runs right into this problem with Wei Ying all the time. Where he is a fountain of words and Wangji can voice none of his own. Where he can give almost no comfort, however small.

But she is his daughter. His responsibility. He is the last bastion of comfort, of acceptance.

He says nothing, but he slowly reaches out, taking her wrist in his hand and gently pulling it back to set her palm back against his sleeve.

He is not afraid of her ability, or angered by it. At worst, it saddens him to know that he has likely been putting more of his grief on her than he was even aware. He will have to do better.

But he won't turn away. ]

[blackwaterchild]

[The silence stretches and Miu steels her heart against it. It’s not Wangji’s fault she’s like this, always trying to hope for the best but expecting the worst nonetheless. She’d seen into the hearts of others too many times, been tricked time and time again, she simply didn’t have it in her anymore to blindly believe in good fortune from others without some ulterior motive. Everyone wanted something. Normally, it was just they wanted her, but sometimes that ‘want’ was just what they thought she could provide. A quick 5 seconds of fame, a way to claim her success for their own.

Wangji had proven himself to her more times than she could count and still there were times she doubted. The shame of it runs hot when he slowly reaches out to her and tears fill her eyes against her will, fingers curling around his sleeve before she presses close to him once more, clinging.]

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s not you. I’m just— I’m just broken. It’s not you.

[secondjade]

[ He’s quiet for a long moment, and then, lowly: ]

Lan Miu.

You are whole.