💣 011 | audio

[devoutish]

[These days, when Alfie gets on the network to make a post - not just a comment, but a full post - it's generally because he's at least a little bit drunk. Today is no exception. He's also even more grumbly and mumbly than usual, and that combined with his thick accent means he's also probably even harder to understand than normal, so apologies for that, world.]

Twelve months I've been here, now; that's edging toward outlier status, isn't it? Mm, yeah. I've seen people come, I've seen people go, I've made a call to invite someone over for dinner during the holidays only to find out they've fucking vanished into thin air overnight.

[Pour one out for Dr. Eldarov. He grunts, irritably, and then abruptly changes the subject.]

Right - but I've decided to quit my job. Yeah, that's gonna be my gift to myself for my one-year anniversary, and for the new year; my people's new year. And as such, I'll be taking bets on how long it'll be before they notice.

[Because of course he's not just going to call up and let them know he's leaving. He's made a hobby out of being irritating at work, so why stop now?]

It was a weekly thing, my radio show, so I'll take guesses at one week, two weeks, three, and so on. Winner, I'll buy a drink; whatever you like. Unless you're a kid or something, I dunno; then I'll buy you a lolly. I'd suggest getting your bets in before Sir Robot makes headway on his surely-doomed plan to destroy the porter and fucks everything up for a bit. Shanah fucking Tovah.

Video;

[wizzardly]

Do you suffer from depression?

[good afternoon from this world's resident redheaded Wizzard, who's sitting at an office desk and wearing a green uniform matched with a pointy red hat like that isn't a terrible fashion choice or general life decision. He's attempting to smile. It mostly looks queasy.

Anxiety? Do you have violent thoughts or tendencies? Trouble sleeping? Have you suffered traumatic events in your childhood and/or adulthood, culminating in what most would agree is a rather tragic backstory?

Then perhaps it's time you try - oh, hold on, I had something for this -

[Rincewind pats frantically at his pockets, then bends out of view. When he comes back up, it's to throw a handful of glitter, which shimmers down in a sparkling cloud around, in front of, and ultimately on him. This results in an immediate coughing spell and some swatting at the pieces in his beard.]

- Try - [cough, cough] - psychiatric help!

[cough, curse, gods damn it.]

Er, yes. Conveniently located in Maurtia Falls, Pennsylvania, the doctors at the Maurtia Falls Hos- um, the Maurtia Falls Psychiatric... [oh no. Oh no, what is it called? He works there, what is it called, he knows this! Rincewind's smile twitches, a bead of sweat glistening amidst the glitter on his forehead. He glances quickly to the prepared statement on his desk.]

- Maurtia Falls Psychiatric Hospital for Abnormal Conditions!

[phew.]

This advanced hospital is overseen by imPort psychiatrist Dr. Chilton himself, and is staffed with all sorts of talented individuals ready to assist in bringing out the best -[another glance at the paper, a small wince] - you. That you can be.

Whether you need medication, guided psychological interaction, or even just to talk to someone, therapy can work for you. And I can tell you, because I'm, ah, a success story. Myself.

[honestly, why did they leave that in the script.]

No matter the size your mental troubles, Dr. Chilton and the staff of the Maurtia Falls Psychiatric Hospital are here to help. Appointments can always be scheduled through the front desk, but if you've any questions - [please, oh please don't have questions] - I'm here to answer them as well.