02 ♒ Video

[unconchonable]

[The feed turns on to show none other than Eridan Ampora leaning back from the communicator, obviously having just set it up on some surface before him. Since his ass is parked on the couch, it's probably a coffee table.

He looks serious, or at least as serious as a cape-wearing fish alien can look.]

Now that all that weird age bee ess an' other shit is outta the way for the most part, methinks it's time I make this little announcement. Consider it a PSA a' sorts. It's a matter of great importance.

[His eyebrow raises as he stares the feed down, allowing for a dramatic pause, before continuing:]

Upon showin' up here about a perigee or two ago, I came to the information that you humans got some system of non-gowernment when it comes to the waters of this planet. International waters, or some rubbish like that.

[A dismissive hand wave as he rolls his eyes.]

As such, the oceans of this shitty an' pathetic rock is left utterly unguarded, or ewen ruled ower for that matter. Honestly, it's one of the few things you human hawe done that's made any sense at all.

See--

[He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as his hands come together, fingers lacing.]

As the only suitable sea dwellin' royalty on this entire planet, I stake my claim of the ocean--of all the bodies of water, actually. It's only right that someone such as myself inherits this world's aquatic reserwoirs.

[He's absolutely 100% serious here too. Which, probably makes this worse, considering he's making this on April Fools Day of all days. Not that he's really aware of that holiday.]

That bein' said, as the new an' rightful ruler of the seas, there's gonna be some laws you landcrawlin' sacks a filth need to follow.

[He reaches next to the communicator, pulling up a sheet of paper. Look at that. He wrote it down, this shit is absolutely offishal now!]

First of all, no more stinkin' sweaty pink-skinned animals in my waters no longer. You do enough as is to pollute the planet by existin' on it with your foul presence, don't need that sorta scum muckin' up my waters. Second of all, no more slaughterin' a marine life without direct permission from the Emperor of the Ocean-- [His gaze goes from the paper in his hands to the feed, eyebrows lowering.] --that's me, if you hawen't been payin' attention. The ocean is my killin' cauldron, an' it's high time you shorewalkers back the fuck off.

Last, but certainly not least: no more ships, boats, or any such garbage in my oceans. Trespassers will be prosecuted by the New Nautical Aristocracy, ay-kay-ay, myself, an' you will not see mercy for your transgressions.

[He places the paper back down, resettling in his seat. Trying to look aloof and intimidating all in one go, but when you're the equivalent of a 13-14 year old human, you just look like a ridiculous tryhard.]

If you got concerns, questions, or whatewer, I'm feelin' generous enough to entertain them, an' if there are any other sea dwellers I ain't aware of on this planet, feel free to contact me an' I'll see what I can do to work you into my new kingdom, we sea dwellers gotta stick together, after all.

The rest a' you, naysayers an' what hawe you, kindly piss off.

[And without further ado, he leans in to turn off the feed.]

Comments

[villainously]

You're a real laugh, aren't you?

( tell him another, that was hilarious. )

[unconchonable]

Here we go-- like I said, naysayers can fuck off.

[He rolls his eyes. He knew he was going to get stupid assholes replying to this, trying to troll him, but he's not gonna entertain that shit.]

[villainously]

Sure. I'll fuck off naked into the ocean, mate, just to spite you.

( he doesn't even care that it'd be cold as fuck (depending on where he did it). you can't own the ocean, he's almost offended by the idea. and well, even if it was possible, he hadn't shown the last god of the seas much respect, so he's really not going to start now. )

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[lyingheart]

Ah.

You... remember that the United States Military has null capabilities, correct?

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[unconchonable]

yeah
wwhats your point

[lyingheart]

I hope you enjoy being equivalent to human if you're so unwise as to act on what you've said above.

[daintylegs]

Can you... Can you just do that?

[As ignorant as he is, he's not all too sure about this.]

[unconchonable]

I just did.

[Eridan is deluded enough with his own self obsessed ego that he is absolutely sure about this.]

[daintylegs]

Taking over Earth's seas is kind of...

[There's a word Tailgate is thinking here. He almost wants to say evil because, in his mind, that's the sort of thing evil people do. But he doesn't consider Eridan to be an evil people, so he tries to choose another.]

...Rude.

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[hoboagogo]

[...eridan plz]

...You're seriously gonna try and rule every bit of water. Do I gotta get your permission to take a piss, too?

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[unconchonable]

If it weren't for the fact I really don't want to know when you humans need to administer your waste in a grand influx, I'd say yes. So... no, don't fuckin' ask my permission, just keep your piss outta the fuckin' ocean.

[hoboagogo]

Sounds like your first task as Sea-King is to get every government to change how they handle waste water, then. Since they'll be keeping all the rivers and lakes and shit that empty into the ocean.

[onthegroundsofbrooklyn]

Yeah-

Okay. Sure. You got your turf. How you going to hold it?

[unconchonable]

If I told you that, you an' others would attempt to awoid it, or search for loopholes, now wouldn't you?

[onthegroundsofbrooklyn]

No. If I want your turf, there's always ways to take it.

But I think you don't know much about holding onto that kind of thing.

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[siriusly]

[....oh boy.]

Eridan, isn't it...? [long time no see, nerd. but anyway, ah:] You really think you can manage something that...[silly?] Ambitious?

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[unconchonable]

You'd be surprised what I'm capable of. Don't doubt my abilities. I'we got so much fuckin' ambition it's downright flippin' silly.

[The levels of deluded self obsession are absolutely real with this one.]

[siriusly]

[uh...huh.] I'm not so sure how you'd follow through with something like that... Earth's oceans are pretty big for just one guy to go ahead and manage!

[animalage]

What ever happened to Atlantians trying to get along with humans?

[unconchonable]

What the fuck is an Atlantian?

[Well, you've got his attention.]

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[glowsferatu]

[ she comes on screen looking far trollier than he's seen her since arriving, rolling her eyes. ]

Very original. I've certainly never heard that one before.

[ it was probably inevitable. put an eridan ampora on an earth, eventually he will claim dominion over the sea. ]

Does this mean you'll be moving on to your new kingdom, leaving us lowly land dwellers to our refuse and dirt?

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[unconchonable]

Do I look like I care what you hawe or hawen't heard, Kan? If there was some past me, then of course he'd do what I'm doin' now, 'cos it's the only sensible thing to do.

[He's still a little weirded out by the fact there was another him, but whatever.]

To answer your stupid question: no. I still gotta keep my ganderbulb on you worthless fucks.

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[rathercommon]

[ boy ]

So - if there are other sea dwellers, why do you get to rule over them? Why not go for a democracy?

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[unconchonable]

'Cos democracy is for pussies. An' ewen if there are other seadwellers, I'm still their superior by bein' a sea troll like I am.

Duh.

[exsithstential]

Not that I wish to disrupt your claim, or your rights to them. [With only the slightest bit of sarcasm. But really it's hidden well.]

But you should be aware that the seas are not, as you would say, unguarded. It just means that no one government has jurisdiction in them. Which is to say if any one government decides that there is a national threat in those waters, there's no one to stop them from acting on it.