04 | text

[deadtective]

[alright, maybe this isn't entirely a text post. it starts out with a video, which is surprising considering who it's coming from - but there's no need to be excited, as the camera is filming nothing but sky. when an unseen person suddenly slaps a piece of paper down on top of the lens, even the hand is obscured by what's being shown. Hazel knows what she's on about.

the paper in question is a freshly minted detective's license bearing the name of one Hazel Lockwood. it sits there for several moments, like she wants everyone to drink it in, before Hazel cuts the feed and switches over to text.]

Well everyone, here it is: proof that they will let you do literally anything regardless of how well qualified you are so long as you're an imPort.

Which is to say, I'm now licensed as a detective in two worlds. If I get arrested after today, it'll be for something amazingly dramatic in the line of duty instead of bureaucratic bullshit. I think that's a fair trade.

If anyone needs any investigative work done, I'm ready to take on what I'm sure will be the total deluge of offers. I have no business cards and no way to verify any of my skills, but what I do have are flexible morals and a full twenty-four hours available to me thanks to insomnia. I only take cash.

Any complaints can be shunted off to Kaneki for enabling me to pass that goddamn test in the first place. Speaking of, Kaneki!!! I do actually have a thank you gift!! But you need to fill out a survey first.

Also obligatory hello to the new people, if only because you're clogging up the network again. I'm not someone anyone wants to know, but it feels a little silly to ignore you guys. So, hey! :D

Comments

[deadtective]

I'm not lying and I'm worked up because YOU'RE ALL IGNORING WHAT I'M ACTUALLY SAYING

[rockpun]

people dont organize regular game nights with people who arent their friends, hazel.

[deadtective]

It's not a game night, it's murder row.

[rockpun]

so he kicks your ass a lot is what im hearing.

[deadtective]

You shouldn't project so hard, I can actually play video games.

[rockpun]

uh wow excuse me i have only gotten obliterated in video games ONE TIME since i came here.

[rockpun]

i mean granted it was against a space alien who had never played a video game before in her life and had just spent the afternoon clearing the arcade of all comers, but that is not remotely the point.

[deadtective]

Sounds an awful lot like the point to me.

[rockpun]

she didnt even go easy on me because we were friends! but i guess thats not something you ever have to worry about, huh.

[deadtective]

Nope. Of my three REAL ACTUAL LEGITIMATE friends, the only one I game with a lot sucks ass.

[rockpun]

dude, come on, hes sitting right there reading this thread.

[deadtective]

IT'S NOT MAGICMAN

IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN I WILL FIND YOU AND STUFF YOUR ENTIRE MATTRESS WITH ROTTING FRUIT

[rockpun]

jokes on you, i sleep on the floor.

[deadtective]

Then you're going to be sleeping with a lot of fruit flies pretty soon.

[rockpun]

sweet, always wanted to be the lord of the flies. that turned out well for everyone in that book, right?

[deadtective]

I wouldn't know, but I do know Beelzebub's sure a bundle of laughs.

[rockpun]

holy crap, youve dealt with beelzebub? i didnt know how deep this supernatural thing ran. thats really cool in a messed up way.

[deadtective]

Ok, uh, no, that was a metaphor. The closest I've gotten were formless horrors from another dimension, and that is not a recommended experience.

[she's actually dealt with something a little closer to Beelzebub in the form of Simbi Loa, but that is something that is so intensely personal that she hasn't even really told Josuke about it beyond a passing (and distancing) comment.]

[rockpun]

formless horrors... like ia ia, cthulhu fhtagn? that kind of thing? in the words of famous actor benjamin edward stiller, mama pajama.

[deadtective]

Yes, exactly like that. Except I ran into them in the context of their being summoned and bound to mages' wills, so that was a real party!!

[rockpun]

holy crap. all right, ill check "has fought eldritch horrors back from the brink of destroying the world" off the list of reasons not to mess with you. right next to your incredibly good aim.

[deadtective]

I can also hotwire cars and slog through swamps in the middle of the night with minimal complaining.

[rockpun]

i mean those are just basic life skills though. i learned how to hotwire a car when i was--wait, youre a p.i. now, maybe i shouldnt say that out loud.

[deadtective]

Too late, I already know the answer along with all traffic violations you've committed within the last five years.

[rockpun]

i mean i cant drive and i was pretty incapacitated for the last two so that one wasnt too hard. besides, ive committed approximately zero crimes since i came here that im aware of. i have no problems making you work for your jokes.