04 | text

[deadtective]

[alright, maybe this isn't entirely a text post. it starts out with a video, which is surprising considering who it's coming from - but there's no need to be excited, as the camera is filming nothing but sky. when an unseen person suddenly slaps a piece of paper down on top of the lens, even the hand is obscured by what's being shown. Hazel knows what she's on about.

the paper in question is a freshly minted detective's license bearing the name of one Hazel Lockwood. it sits there for several moments, like she wants everyone to drink it in, before Hazel cuts the feed and switches over to text.]

Well everyone, here it is: proof that they will let you do literally anything regardless of how well qualified you are so long as you're an imPort.

Which is to say, I'm now licensed as a detective in two worlds. If I get arrested after today, it'll be for something amazingly dramatic in the line of duty instead of bureaucratic bullshit. I think that's a fair trade.

If anyone needs any investigative work done, I'm ready to take on what I'm sure will be the total deluge of offers. I have no business cards and no way to verify any of my skills, but what I do have are flexible morals and a full twenty-four hours available to me thanks to insomnia. I only take cash.

Any complaints can be shunted off to Kaneki for enabling me to pass that goddamn test in the first place. Speaking of, Kaneki!!! I do actually have a thank you gift!! But you need to fill out a survey first.

Also obligatory hello to the new people, if only because you're clogging up the network again. I'm not someone anyone wants to know, but it feels a little silly to ignore you guys. So, hey! :D

Comments

text;

[grimreaping]

Congratulations on your licensing, Detective.

text;

[deadtective]

Hey, thanks. Although I don't think they actually let me start practicing until I buy the fedora and trenchcoat.

Re: text;

[grimreaping]

If they're going to require it, I hope you can write off the cost.

[ there's a death and taxes joke here somewhere....... ]

[deadtective]

I'm going to need to hire someone and immediately promote them to boss to recoup that sort of expense.

[cartesianspidertank]

Is it very difficult to get a detective's license?

[deadtective]

It is when you're a lazy piece of shit.

[cartesianspidertank]

Are you self-identifying as a lazy piece of shit??

[deadtective]

Every day of my life.

[hypnotherapy]

All you need to do now is set up some kind of black and white filter in your office and get a smoke machine. Perfect noir setting.

[ He's...not that familiar with noir but he's pretty sure that's how it works? Black and white, smoke, maybe someone in a cocktail dress involved. ]

[deadtective]

And a couple dozen packs of really cheap cigarettes to burn through as I monologue cynically to myself. Nothing can go wrong here.

[hypnotherapy]

I'd say I'm concerned for your health, but your choices are your own, I suppose. I can't do much about that.

So what kind of first case are you expecting, licensed detective?

[deadtective]

If I'm not following some wealthy middle-aged woman's husband so I can tell her just how hard he's cheating, I will be really surprised.

[rockpun]

nice work cutting off the only joke i was going to make in the first line of your post. ;)

congratulations though, seriously. now you can keep the streets safe slightly more legally than how you usually do it!

[deadtective]

One of the first sections on that test was sarcasm preparedness. You had no chance.

Thanks, although it's totally not going to change anything. I have a method and I'm sticking to it; you or anyone else can pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

[rockpun]

yeah, maybe take better care of yourself? otherwise thats going to become literal and let me tell you im not a fan of people i like dying. throw as much garbage at me as you want, thats not gonna make me happy about you getting stabbed in an alleyway.

hold on, did all that actually happen? it sounds like i had a really messed up dream.

[deadtective]

Maybe you want to check and see how much sleep you've been getting lately? Because I'm preeeetty sure we've never met before.

[ text ]

[enucleation]

Congratulations. I would invite you for a drink, but we both know how that would end.

Should I be worried about the gift?

[ text ]

[deadtective]

Hey, I left my barroom brawl days far behind me. It's all knife fights in alleyways now, like a respectable lady.

If you're worried about my gift, it's because you don't have confidence in your answers. Not my fault!

[ text ]

[enucleation]

That's good to know. Myself, I'd rather just watch from the sidelines than to be involved.

That must be it, of course. What is the gift?

[text]; ID reads Kaitou KID

[tuxedo_magician]

I feel as if I should schedule a heist and send you an engraved invitation as a congratulations.

[deadtective]

Only if you're intending on stealing items as priceless and classy as myself.

[tuxedo_magician]

My dear, the only things that Kaitou KID steals are priceless and classy~

[rathercommon]

You don't sleep at all?

[deadtective]

Nope! I've had insomnia since before I got pulled here. It's not so bad once you learn to deal with it.

[rathercommon]

Huh. Have you been to a doctor about that?